On Location...

So there is a movie being filmed in my neighborhood today. Actually, its just a few short blocks from my apartment. After a calculated trip to the nearby market, one of the security guards told me it was Jennifer Aniston and some other starts filming for a new HBO series. At first I was excited but then realized he might be lying kinda like when they were filming the Batman movie downtown and when people asked what they were filming, PAs and security personnel were instructed to say it was a film called Chris Nolans Great Adventure. (FYI: Chris Nolan is actually the director of the film). So I didnt get my hopes up but did manage to send an email to my roommates stating that Jennifer Aniston was in our neighborhood. To it's truth I cannot attest but it sounded cool in an email. However because of the film, 1 side of all the surrounding streets have been blocked off and labeled no parking zones at the behest of the Chicago PD. Now this is annoying on many levels because a.) I couldnt drive to the market because it was so crowded and I had to walk. Damn those bastards for making me exercise. and b.) there is no place to park in a 2 block radius of my apartment which makes for a very uncomfortable hike in 20 degree weather.

On the other hand, its pretty exciting to see the movie trailers lining the streets and signs on your familiar stomping grounds that say: This way to set. The starstruck schoolgirl in me is loving it.

2 Things

Thing #1: Another one of my blogging friends has made her blog an "invite-only" blog. Now, I think its shenanigans. Make it public already. Or if you are worried about weird predators on the Internet, then I can protect you. Either way, this is all about me and my ego so just let me view it already. I don't want to miss out anymore on your witty repertoire.

Thing #2: My downstairs neighbors are pretty cool. They invite us to do stuff occasionally and they comiserate with us regarding our Norman Bates-like landlord. But they do weird stuff. Like playing their music so loud that my butt vibrates as I'm trying to eat my lunch. Seriously. Around 2oclock this afternoon, I'm sitting down to a ham and cheese sandwich and going to catch up on the latest episode of Chuck when all of sudden my chair and my butt are bouncing around uncomfortably. I thought at first I was having some fated flatulence but no, it was just good vibrations. It would be ironic if that was the song, but alas, its some indecipherable banging and wailing.

And I lied...there's three things. Thing #3: I went to a yoga class today. My friend had suggested it was a good idea, you know, something to try out. Let me just say it was awesome. It energized me for the entire day so I think I'm going to go back on Saturday, contort my body and "squeeze out all the remaining negative toxins". Direct quote from my instructor.

One of those moments...

So, here am I in my bathrobe contemplating whether or not I should go food shopping. I haven't been to the grocery store in about 3 or 4 weeks, which is kinda criminal because it means I've been eating my roommates food but also kinda understandable since we just had a holiday that involves major leftovers and I spent 1 of those weeks at home eating all the good foodstuffs I want at no cost.
But the thing is...the decision to go shopping (and bear with me because I'm about to be overly analytical) is not just about getting food because I'm starving, its about having the gumption to get up and get something accomplished. Now, I'm not starting at a real good place because I know that shopping is something that people do everyday, heck, maybe even twice a day and its not something that one usually labels an "accomplishment." But since I am not working full time and am lacking for motivation in life at this point, going shopping will be an accomplishment. Which leads me to think about accomplishment in general. I dont feel that, at this point in my life, I've accomplished much. Sure, I've had a good job here and there and yes I graduated college but all these things seem like the norm to me. Recently, a whole slew of friends made big decisions in their lives which will, no doubt, foster a sense of accomplishment. One is working out in the wilderness with at risk teens--he up and made a big move knowing no one out there. Another just got a job and is working on her nursing certification. Another is an amazing mom with a baby on the way. Another moved to Spain to au pair and do something she's talked about doing for the past 4 years. Another is getting married in a few months and couldnt be happier. And still others are working hard and giving their best in whatever job they have even if its not their desired position. These are accomplishments. And they will serve to make these people better people in the long run.
So, will I go shopping? Probably. My stomach is growling way to much to ignore. And maybe, just maybe, this small victory will serve as the first in a long line of accomplishments.

The F.C.P.E

Family. Christmas. Present. Exchange. This year, all the cousins are doing our 2nd Annual FCPE. Its more like Yankee Swap or as my friend Dwight calls it, Machiavelli meets Christmas. The problem is I have absolutely no idea what to get. Last year, I bought the Die Hard trilogy set-quality holiday flicks. I'd like to think it was a hot item. I think I want to go in the movie direction again but I'm not sure which ones to get. I was thinking of getting a variety of movies from several different genres you know...like a movie starter kit...or something. My creativitiy is at an all-time low and I have no idea why. I'll blame the weather. This is a lame post so I'll spice it up a bit by including my new favorite video, starring Linda and Howie.

One of those hilarious videos that makes you pee your pants...

So, my roommate showed me this video. I was laughing non-stop for about 20 minutes during and after. She also shared this wonderful story:

Her younger sister used to participate in track and field relays. For those not familiar with relays, runners pass a baton between each other while completing different sections of the track. During a hand-off, the one handing off the baton will yell, "Stick" while the other runner will take off and throw their hand behind their back to receive the stick without breaking stride. In this particular case, my roommate's sister was receiving the baton. Her teammate yelled "Stick" so she took off running positioning her hand behind her back to receive the baton. However, the baton never came. Her teammate, in a misconstrued effort to hand off the baton, proceeded to jam the baton as hard as she could into the girls ass. Or rather right between the two cheeks. In the heat of the moment, she had missed the hand and hit where the sun don't shine. Ouch.

The funny part is, that after hearing that story, we proceeded to re-enact the entire scene all the way home from the bar (3 or 4 blocks) which consisted of each of us sneaking up on the other and yelling STICK and then punching the offending parties' buttocks. Good times, good times. I sometimes feel as though I've become handicapped with a natural immaturity.

How the Writer's Strike Will Affect Your Favorite TV Shows

After watching the Packers suffer a crushing defeat at the hands of the 'Boys, I was perusing the net and found this link. Helpful if you want to check out which of your favorite shows are going to be delegated to re-run city.

Also, TO is overrated and I just dont like the guy.

Procrastination et al.

I should be working on various cover letters and updating my resume. Actually I did that the better part of the morning so I'm allowed some leeway. I also managed to catch up on the new Pushing Daisies episode and create a new JibJab video (not for kids). What a productive morning.

Last night I attended a storytelling night that involved a good friend, 7n7's and cigarettes. A few good stories, one hilarious one. The last story told quelled all my fears of creating some thought-provoking, deep, introspective non-fiction piece. The story was a simple, yet highly humorous account of feeling out of place among the upper crust, elite society of Chanel and couture-wearing witches. It made me realize that I didnt have to have some out of body experiences to be able to write compelling non-fiction prose. Perhaps most of you already knew this but the realization to me finally sunk in last night. So thank you, storyteller, you changed my perspective.

I have decided that I'm going to do my Pilates video every day. Maybe if I get really ambitious, I"ll do two workouts in the morning and one at night. (Note: really ambitious should read: really really really ambitious and there is nothing else to do and I'm bored out of my mind.) I've heard people say its all about discipline and that working out does make you feel good and releases endorphins and endorphins make you happy, etc. but there are tons of other things that make me happy so I'll pick from those until I'm out of options.

I have not heard back yet about my interview. I'm 75% disappointed and 25% apathetic. I wanted the job but do not think I put forth a solid effort in relaying that message. So, part of me is angry with myself for putting forth less than 100% but the other part of me is thinking: WTF? Its not a complicated job and I've had tons of related experience. Why the hell not pick me? But then again, if you told someone you had good verbal and oral communications skills, then corrected yourself and then made an awkward joke about how verbal and oral are the same thing...well, would you want to work with a person like that?

And why is it that Chinese food is so satisfying in the moment but then later you feel the gurgle in your belly and high tail it to the restroom as quick as humanely possible?

Narcissism at it's best

Like, I said: Narcissism at it's best.

You will also enjoy this little video of Mags. I love you, cousin.

Interview Schminterview

So, today I had an interview and I was super nervous because I'm not THAT good at dancing. I mean, I knew I had to have a routine prepared but I only had the music on a mix tape and apparently no one owns a boombox with a cassette player. Come to think of it, I'm not sure many people own a boombox anymore. Anyway, since my music wasnt functioning properly, I offered to interpretative dance if they had a beach ball handy. Sadly, they didnt. They decided we would sit in the lotus position and they would ask me questions. After the usual rigmarole of questions such as What is your favorite word? and Why did the chicken cross the road?, we moved on the tough stuff like, Do you think Superman killed his parents or who makes a better Superman: Brandon Routh or Christopher Reeve? After some serious sweating, they then decided to have a taste test. I would alternately try different brands of soda pop and try to guess which was which. I accurately identified the RC Cola from the Coca-Cola and even succeeded in naming a foreign Coca-Cola product from Singapore. Then came the physicals. I had to shave an extremely hairy dog in less than 2 minutes. I didnt finish shaving the dog but did manage to construct the perfect Beckham updo on an unfortunate French poodle. They liked it so much, they all posed with my creation. After that, they took me out for lobster and steak.
I think I'm shoe-in for the position.

It wasnt what I expected but at least it was better than spending all morning stressing and preparing answers and then taking two buses to the location only to have them spend less than 10 minutes with you to find out you suck at life.

Stay tuned for those photos.

This or That

Sometimes, I want to know what other people are thinking. Since I dont have ESP or any fun superpower, the best way to find out is be inquisitive. So, in honor of being proactive, I want to know what you like better. It's also possible that you will have no opinions on these topics whatsoever. But humor me.

Coke or Pepsi?
Jessica Alba or Jessica Biel?
Fleece or Cotton?
Fajitas or Burritos?
Bruce Willis or Nicholas Cage?
Die Hard or Terminator?
Paperback or Hardcover?
ABC or NBC?
The Office or Arrested Development?
Tom Cruise or Cindy Sheehnan?
Rain or Snow?
Sweet or Salty?
Cold or Hot?
Rome or Paris?

I need to shave.

That would be the caption to go with the picture to my right.

It's all about the salad bowl

I've been reading numerous posts regarding Thanksgiving traditions and how everyone has their own trepidations of the holiday or other families have the perfect holiday and everyone gets along splendidly like the Brady Bunch and how the family that prays together stays together. Yes, yes, this is all very true but in my family, when it comes to holidays, its all about the salad bowl.

I'm not talking about pretty Aunt Mamie's giant salad bowl that holds your favorite spinach and strawberry salad but rather the cutthroat competition that involves charades, word association and, as my brother and I call it, word vomit. See salad bowl is a game and not just any game but a true test of knowledge, acting ability and familial connection. I could explain the game here but that would take too long and well, you just wouldnt get it. You have to experience it.

Now, my family is not perfect. We have issues. We tend to be loud, we tend to be on the overly competitive side and we tend to get somewhat sensitive over comments made during the heat of the battle. But in the end, when all is said and done, we crack a few beers and laugh about how my uncle tried to get us to guess "Yoga for Kids" by rolling around on the floor in the fetal position. Or how my cousin chose the word virgin and we watched with delight as my father awkwardly tried to demonstrate the word. Before you start to think, what an immature, honky, disgusting family, I will also mention how Homer, magic realism, binary fission and gerund managed to make it into the bowl.

You see, salad bowl connects our family. The young and the old. And we dont just play it on holidays, we play it every time there are at least 5 family members present. And since we live in close proximity and insist on getting together every time an opportunity presents itself, we play a lot of salad bowl.

We learn more about eachother in those 2 hours than we could sitting around the dinner table. There is no better way to get to know your cousin than when the game is tied and he has to make you guess the phrase: Meningitis is really getting me down by only using one word. There is no better feeling that high fiving your brother after he scores 15 points in one round in the hardest stage of the game. Or laughing hysterically when your uncle picks the names of three people he knew in high school and then forgetting what he wrote down leaving you and the rest of your teammates in a huge bind as you try to make them guess the name Ezra Chupp.

There are moments of weakness but they also bring about glimpses of character. Like when your 10 year old cousin is trying to make his team guess the term 12th Man and your dad gets up and prances around like an idiot just to help him out.

Our salad bowl game is a tradition. And I believe it makes us stronger as a family. Sure there are moments of frustration, words being said, names being thrown around but in the end, what family doesnt have those brief moments? Fortunately, we have a little friendly competition to use as an outlet and even if tempers flare in the living room, they are extinguished outside as two opposing players instantly bond over Uncle Howie's hilarious interpretation of Julia Childs in the kitchen or your own over the top impression of Cyndi Lauper.

We love the game. We love eachother and thats what its all about in the end. A family is nothing but a group of people who have deep unconditional love for one another. In the end, the family that plays together, stays together. And we plan on playing together for a long, long time.

Nannies vs Babysitters

What is the difference really? In my mind, there is no difference. However, if you want me to come up with a difference, I could arguably say that a nanny is during the day and babysitters come at night. However, I didnt think there was a huge distinction between the two...until today.
I was bannying (my portmanteau for nanny + babysitting) today and my young charge and I decided to go outside and race up and down the sidewalk. As we were reveling in our little game, a neighboring mom approached with her little girl. My young charge and the young girl were quite familiar with eachother so they set off to play some spritely game of their own. As this typical-mom-who-lives-in-Old Town-but-would-probably-be-better-suited-living-in-Lincoln Park and I watched the young girls, she asked the usual how are you, whats your name type questions. I responded with all the right answers. She then asked, "Now, are you the regular nanny?" I didnt know how to respond because a.) it was really early b.) I hadnt had anything to eat c.) The woman was carrying a grocery bag with feminine products and other "items" that were broadcasting her sex life in plain sight so I was distracted and d.) the woman I babysit for is super cool and I dont necessarily nanny or babysit, I just hang out with the kids while she works in her home office for a few hours.

I said, "Naw, Im just the..." and before I could finish this mom looked down her nose and finished the sentence for me with an air of disdain, "...babysitter." As if the very word made her feel all dirty inside and out.

I smiled politely and then grabbed her bag of groceries and made like a hammer thrower and flung her belongings as far as I could into oncoming traffic.

Eggs and Bacon

I'm starving right now. S-T-A-R-V-I-N-G. There are bacon and eggs in the fridge and if I was the least bit proactive, I would get up and make them. But I'd rather sit on my ass and talk about the bacon and eggs and how hungry I am until someone gets the hint and says, well asiankp would you like me to make you some. And then I can hem and haw for a while, all the while they are insisting they can make it and finally I'll relent with some big sigh and say I'll do the dishes to show that I am grateful and helpful. In the end, I'll get what I want because when it comes to bacon and eggs, there is no better motivator. In getting what you want.

A Little Over a Year...

Today I had some extra time so I decided to look over some old posts from the beginning of the year. I wanted to see if my blogging style had changed and in what capacity. It was weird reading what I wrote so many months ago and it occurred to me how many different things I've done. It may not be all that impressive to you but to me, its pretty interesting to see where I've come and where I've gone even though I may not, currently, be happy with the result. So, its been a little over a year since I started this blog. In that time, the following significant events have occurred (not in order):

-Interned/freelanced with the casting company
-Bears went to the Super Bowl
-Worked in a new age spa as housekeeping
-Observed one co-worker perform Native American rituals in the closet
-Learned there is such thing as a feng shui haircut
-Failed to enter World Series of Pop Culture again
-Got married
-Appeared in the Red Eye paper
-Drank so much that I stripped naked in the middle of a play
-Went to New York to visit a friend
-Taught 7/8th grade girls about virtues
-Had triplets
-Worked for a PR/Marketing/Communications company
-Attended 3 weddings
-Developed bunions on my ass from so much sitting and not enough moving
-Almost went to Asia
-Got divorced
-Produced a one-man musical comedy
-Did the Muddy Buddy
-Joined the circus as the bearded lady
-Fell off the Ferris Wheel
-Got fired
-Learned to fly planes and then crashed one killing 8 people
-Went to Colombia
-Got arrested for smuggling drugs back into the states

So, thats where I'm at now. Its amazing how much does or doesnt happen in a little over a year.

Won't You Be My Neighbors

Since I missed a total of 3 days so far in NaBloPoMo, does that mean I'm inadequate for this type of exercise or is it some greater sign that I'm consistently inconsistent in things that require everyday committment? I dont really know and I guess I dont really care. Its not part of my "perspective" at the moment.

In other news, while I've been slumming at home, my car has taken another beating. Nothing to equal the caliber of the rear end incident but still a beating. My parents neighbors backed into my car the other day smashing the drivers side tail light. Now, usually such a thing would send me off in a verbal litany of insults but since I'm the idiot who smashed my mothers side mirror while backing out of the garage a couple months ago, I've decided I am not one to pass judgement on poor driving.

Anyway, my neighbors being the friendly ones that they are, left me a kind note saying they will pay for all the damages, etc. They even taped the broken pieces of the light to my window in a sign of good faith.

So, I got the car fixed (the only productive thing I've done all week besides applying for random online jobs) and I have the bill waiting for them. Nothing too steep. $100 or so. I call my neighbors asking if when a good time to bring over the bill would be and she responds, tomorrow sometime. She then asks if I have roommates in Chicago. I reply positively. She then asks if we like wine. Again, I insist that we do, even though, I dont drink wine nearly as much as I should. She then says, oh honey, thats just great...we'll throw in a couple extra bottles of wine for your trouble.

I seriously live in Mr. Roger's neighborhood. Its awesome. So my roomies, wine is on the way.

The Phone Voice

I want my own personal talkie. Not a walkie talkie, but a talkie. Allow me to elaborate. For the past couple of days, I've had to make phone calls to various people who are strangers to me. They do not know me but they know someone who knows me. I want something from them. Something they can give pretty easily if they like you. Isnt networking fun? However, a majority of this getting to know you biz is done over the phone and it sucks and its awkward and hey thats life. I hate the sound of my own voice. In fact, I hate the sound of my own voice so much that I feel the need to blog about it every 2 months or so. ANYWAY, production companies usually hire voice actors to do voice overs for various things so I figure, why cant I hire a 'talkie.' You know...I could just go to the "voice store" and customize my very own talkie and then I would feed it/her/him (havent figured out the gender thing yet) the words I'd like and it would come out pitch perfect and friendly without being fake, cheery but not ditzy, serious but not monotone, sharp but not caustic, etc. In essence, it would be the perfect voice saying the perfect things. Granted, it would not be prepared to think on its own so I would have to continually feed it lines but it would be great if it could factor in the other person's tone and then adjust accordingly. Like if the person on the other end was getting impatient in tone, then the 'talkie' would speak slightly faster than normal. It would just be great to not have to think that someone who I've never met is judging me based on the sound quality of my voice which, I believe, sounds like scratchy pre-pubescent girl.

Frustration Station

I am SO incredibly frustrated right now, I dont know what to do. This is probably the entirely wrong medium upon which to vent but I'm not a big YouTuber and I dont believe in Myspace. Facebook would have too many people asking questions so my semi-private blog will have to do.

I am currently unemployed. Funemployment is the term I give it so people do not think that I'm depressed or upset that I'm out of work. Here's the thing. I'm not depressed. But I am upset. But its more than upset with not having a job and it goes beyond the "what will people think of me" feeling. I'm upset that I cant figure out what I'm supposed to do in life. I'm upset that it seems so gosh darn easy for other people to figure out what they want to do in life and then they do it. I'm upset that some people have their dream job fall right into their lap. Maybe its unfair for me to assume that no one else has issues when it comes to finding a purpose and a path in life and I'm sure that everyone goes through their own trials and their own inner turmoil but I'm not writing about them. I suffer from a lack of confidence and I'm not really sure how to get over it. I also cannot understand my lack of motivation at this point. Where's my motivation? I feel like most of my days are spent searching for jobs online and applying but it just so happens that only 2% of people get hired via internet job search. So my chances of being that 2% are pretty damn slim.

Sometimes, I want to just throw it all out the window. Literally, package up all this stress and seal with duct tape and throw it out the window. I would love to watch that thing hit the ground and shatter into 3489239487 billion pieces and then get swept up by some street cleaner taken somewhere to never be seen again.

But, then again, I feel like all this stress is a part of growing and as cliche as it sounds, all this will turn out to be some magnificent experience in the end. All this networking bullshit, as stupid as it sounds, will be the thing that saved my life and my sanity. Currently though, my mood is not this light and I'm grasping for perspective here. And I can't seem to find it.

Also, Spiderman 3 is about the worst movie I've ever seen and it is 2.5 hours of my life wasted that I will never get back.

Have you Ever Reached that point in your life where you just want to go to sleep forever not because you are tired physically...but because you

Are just mentally tired out with life? Thats where I'm at. Call me Rip Van Winkle.

In lieu of the writers strike...

Last night as I settled down to watch The Office, I decided to flip flop back and forth between commercials and Greys Anatomy. I was bored. While on ABC, I noticed several advertisements on for shows that were "making a comeback." Both of these shows, Notes from the Underbelly and October Road, are awful. Simply awful. Both were cancelled after several weeks due to low ratings. I think October Road finished out the season but only online (?). Anyway, it was rumored that both shows were written to be ABC's next big hits and I imagine that full seasons of episodes were written. However due to high quality suckage, the shows were cancelled. However, due to a writers strike, I suspect that good material is being hard to come by and networks are being forced to drudge up less than mediocre material to fill time slots and not completely piss off viewers. Hence, two completely asinine shows will air in the coming weeks. Dont miss it. Or miss it. Run the other way, actually.

In other news, tonight I'm playing with several other faculty members in a basketball game versus the varsity girls team. To prepare, I had an extra cup of coffee this morning and not one, but two cigarettes. Best shape of my life.

My Apologies

I feel like NaBloPoMo brings out the long posts in me. Ehh...what can you do?

"It's not racist, it's ethnic."

For the past couple weeks, off and on, I've been working at this school. Just helping out, doing administrative randomness for my friend who also happens to be the assistant head of school. It's nice to have friends in high places. Anyway, today she told me that a certain department required extra help as the school is having a huge open house this weekend. Not knowing whats in store and against my better judgment, I agree. Ridiculousness then ensued.

This woman, who shall remain nameless, is disgustingly blunt and caustic. She is one of those people who says really harsh things under the guise of humor but the kind of humor that only people who have known you for 20 years will get. She is also incredibly nosy. But thats another story for another time. Anyway, somehow we get on the topic of ethnic people...can't really remember how it happened because thats how random this woman is. One minute we are discussing how admission standards have decreased and the next minute, we are discussing how her husband and her sons are so "ethnic." Ethnic. I'm thinking maybe she married some Indian or some Middle Easterner, but no, I've seen her son and he's as white as sour cream and as short as a mushroom. I digress. So back to ethnicity. Knowing full well that she is not married to a foreigner, I ask what she means. "Oh you know, my husband and son are SO ethnic. Like my daughter-in-law is Jewish and my sons always call her the Jew...like right to her face. They love to give her a hard time. They say that stuff to her all the time, right to her face and its so funny." Asiankp figures she is joking. She continues, "Like my husband and I love Mexicans...we have even had 2 or 3 of them stay with us like every year and we always go there but my husband will always say, 'I love Mexico but the problem is there are too many damn Mexicans here. And then all the Mexicans will laugh and say, Oh mister b. you is sooo funny.'" Again, silence on my end. But she is not done. "Oh geez and my sons, they are so ethnic too, I mean, my sister in law is Italian and they always say to her face, 'I'd tell you but then I'd have to kill you. Hohoho...you know its so funny." Again, decidedly not funny.

Finally, after silence for a while she says, "Well, my husband will probably get beat up or shot someday with the way he talks, I mean he's just so ethnic he cant help it sometimes. One day, I'm gonna like find him in the alley and say, 'Who did this to you, was it the spics or the mexs'? I mean, he really has it coming. But he's just so ethnic you know. Like for example, my other sister-in-law is Asian and so we always say to her, 'Hey Sandy, who brought the rice? Or Sandy, did you forget the rice? I mean, my family is so crazy. We are just so crazy and ethnic, we love to give people a hard time. But they find it so funny, you know. They do."

Hmm...I understand a little ethnic joke every now and again, but really, dont pretend that your husband is so "ethnic" when he's so not. Maybe me and my Asian mafia will come by your house and chop off his head with our samurai swords. Now, that would be funny.

Random Thoughts

What would it be like to be a mail person? In my current state of funemployment, I've been thinking about all kinds of work and recently have been perusing the Chicago state department website for job opportunities. Now, one of the links on the site is for the US Postal Service and they are in need of carriers. I can just imagine sorting through mail and seeing that Joe Blow over here receives Men's Health and Sports Illustrated and Susie Q on Elm Street likes to recieve Women's Wear Daily and the Eddie Bauer catalogue. Susie's daughter has a yearly subscription to Tiger Beat or Sweet Sixteen Popstars Hunky Guys magazine. Then later, when I'm at a bar and I meet this same Joe Blow, I can freak the living daylights out of him by spouting off his name and address and what magazines he recieves and ask him how he liked the feature in Men's Health about how to avoid itch in your jockstrap. What fun I would have...

Another random thing, winter makes me feel bloated and tired all the time. Its disgusting, really. So in an attempt to fight off these feelings, I have agreed to play ultimate frisbee this evening in the frigid night air. The problem is I can't find my lucky hat or my long johns so the feelings of bloating and fatigue are washing over me like a warm bath.

And yet another, my roommates and I watched a random movie last night. Reign Over Me with Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle. The movie was, like I said, random and I dont think I'll ever watch it again but my roommate noted that Don Cheadle's nose was so incredibly large that the thought overshadowed the entire evening and I couldnt concentrate on the plot or the acting because I was so distracted by Don's incredibly large schnozz. Dont you hate that when that happens?

And still another, if two members of the opposite sex meet on a certain day every week, would that not in fact be called dating?

The Art of the Insult

Today I was working at this school when the assistant director of admissions came up to say her usual "welcome, thanks for filling in, you are a really big help" speech. Admissions directors always rub me the wrong way because they have that permanent goofy smile on their face even at 7:30am. Anyway, as I grab the free bagels and schmear, she taps me on the shoulder. I've prepared a little speech, something that explains why I'm there, why I dont have a real job, my credentials, what I'm looking for, etc. I'm fully prepared for the cheerful patrol. Instead, she taps me on the shoulder and says, "How old are you dear? Because you look like you are 12 years old. I mean, 12 years old. Gosh, how do you like that?" I pause. How do I like that? How do I like that you think I'm effin 12 years old? Part of me wants to whip out a cigarette and a 7 and 7 and blow smoke in her face and say, Listen lady, would a 12 year old do this and then grab the nearest man and start fornicating right there in the teachers lounge. Unfortunately, this is an all girls school.
I'm not really sure what to say so I curtly smile and say, "No Grandma, I'm 24 years old."

Another thing: Hollywood writers on strike. I guess you can only spin the Iraq war so many ways.

Another thing: Katie Holmes ran the NYC marathon. What a beast! But the best thing I heard was TMZ's dubbing of little Suri the "Scientolotot."

Failure to Launch

So...I've already failed in the great blogging experiment by missing a day. Yesterday, Sunday, I did not blog. But come on, even God needed one day of rest when creating the world so I should be excused. Because I am a god as well. A blogging god. Not the God, but a god. With that in mind, I'll be sure to post later from my lofty perch.

Raviolis for Grandma...

In college, I took a Children's Literature course. It was awesome. The teacher was a lovable old curmudgeon with more opinions than Dear Abby but she knew her stuff. Anyway, for our final project, we had to write and illustrate a children's book of our own. I decided to write mine for my late grandmother who loved pigs and loved to cook. It was called: Irene, A Pig's Tail. It was, in my opinion, the best book ever. I'm not going to reiterate the story here but it was a fine homage to my late grandmother who was probably the closest relative I have that will achieve sainthood.

Anyway, all the women of the family are meeting this afternoon to take part in the ravioli-making tradition. We eat raviolis for Christmas dinner so we make all the raviolis by hand which is a fun yet grueling process that involves more than one brusied ego and ruined raviolis. Then we watch the men take turns admiring their new guns and gambling and talking about their next hit. After all, we are an Italian family.

Lewd, Crude and a Battitude.

I realize that my previous post contained possible "bathroom humor" commonly found hilarious by preteen boys and immature college students. However as a college graduate with a seemingly sophisticated palate of interests and activities, I too, find it hilarious. So for those of you who found it out of taste and gross, I say, get over yourself. I could have talked about the uterus or something if you wanted to get real nasty and I dont think you do. Uterus...thats fun to say.

Speaking of fun words, today's urban dictionary world of the day was: cinematard. This is probably the best word I've heard all week. Since I live with a bunch of cinematards, I thought, great, here is a word I can throw around and have it catch on faster than my FUBAR kick. Spread it, use it, love it. Cinematard. The best thing is that the word can easily be changed into cinematurd. Why is it that all the fun words usually revolve around the buttocks? Is there something inherently funny about the buttocks or maybe its what the buttocks is known for producing...I"ll never know.

I hope to someday move away from this shit and on to some more sophisticated humor. Oh crap. That will never happen. Some caca crazy person will find their way into my life and I'll be forever surrounded by the poo. I guess thats life.

Gassy Gurl...

My friend recently blogged about her fear of urinating in a public restroom and having conversations with her aged boss while urinating. She seems to have a disorder called "pee fright." Well, I myself suffer from a little thing called gassy gurl disorder. In gassy gurl disorder, one cannot help but repeatedly and consistently pass gas in public. With each offending toot, the stench gets ranker and ranker. I am not proud of this. For example, today I volunteered some of my time to a nearby high school. I was working on organizing grades for report cards which are due at the end of the week. After working solidly for half the morning, I realized that GGD (Gassy Gurl Disorder) was upon me. Fortunately, I had been working in a soft bottom chair which is GGD's best friend since it absorbs all noise and conveniently covers up the stench with its overpowering scent of some odorous disinfectant. Anyway, I thought I was safe as the chair was my ally this morning. Unfortunately, I left to get lunch which required me to walk through the foyer which at the lunch hour is populated by 10th grade girls. Wanting to rush through the crowd to avoid a spontaneous GGD but not wanting to trip in my kitten heels, I half ran/walked through the foyer which gave me the appearance of a retarded rhinoceros thereby rendering me completely vulnerable to society's most judgmental group of adolescents. Surprisingly, this performance only earned me a smattering of finger pointings. Then just as I thought I had it made in the shade, as I did not slip or make a complete fool of myself, I turned to give the girls a lingering smile and GGD struck. My smile turned into a face contorting clench (the kind you make when you are trying to hold in gas) and I summoned three short but high pitched toots to signal my exit. Not only were they high pitched, they sounded like train blasts and I'm pretty sure the receptionist behind glass heard them too.

Luckily, I get to go back tomorrow and try to save face. Try being the key word.

A Blog a Day Keeps the Mind...

What? Fresh. Inventive. I dont know. BUT, November is apparently National Blog Month which means that bloggers are required by blogger law to write a post a day. Part of me really wants to try and abide by blogger law. With internet now in mi casa (thanks crystal) I have the resources to do so. However, what the heck would I blog about every singe day? Somedays I barely have enough to write a paragraph...and sometimes a whole week passes by without even the remotest tidbit of interest. Whats a blogger to do? Well, I've decided that I will take on the challenge of November but only half of posts will be real and half will be left to my creative devices. Yes...I like the sound of this plan. So take it or leave it world.

I met Frederick Douglass this weekend...

We talked about how he was a mulatto and that I was Asian. We discussed how we never knew that cats and cartoon characters could be so slutty. We mutually agreed that there was a shocking lack of creativity filtering in and out of the apartment. We mused over jello shots and how America was not the melting pot it claimed to be. He told me he wrote a book as his alter ego, a graduate student teaching at the University of Chicago. We discussed how we were the only ethnic folks in the room until one of the Crazy 88s showed up with swords and everything. We joked around with the Crazy until he left in search of Black Mambo. Frederick then asked me why I didnt dress as Harriet Tubman. As he said this, Britney Spears walked by hand in hand with Victoria Beckham and Angelina Jolie. Angie was suprisingly without Brad and seemed to be carrying a Mexican baby, a black baby, and some mix of Indian/Caucasian. Suddenly David Beckham came ambling by holding up a very tipsy Peter Pan. As Peter tried to navigate the stairs, Ricky Bobby came by to yell, If you're not first, you're last. Then Buddy the Elf grabbed Peter and yelled, Why dont you just fly you fuckin fairy?

It was a very strange weekend.

How Fitting...

The word of the day is:

impecunious \im-pih-KYOO-nee-uhs\, adjective:
Not having money; habitually without money; poor.

Like I said, how fitting.

Hip and With It

My friend got me a subscription to this magazine for my birthday. The tagline reads: Signs of life in Music, Film & Culture. Now, they definitely have the music angle covered by including a free CD in each issue of the magazine highlighting some up and coming, popular indie rock groups. The kind of bands that would find themselves on the next O.C. mix or playing at Pitchfork Music Festival or any of those other music festivals that claim to have the greatest emo bands in one setting. I enjoy it though. Thats a brilliant angle...include a free CD of the bands you are interviewing and then some...great marketing move. However...I'm not a huge fan of the all the music...in fact, some of it downright disgusts me. How come the popular music, the next great bands always sound to me like they are screaming nonsensical lyrics to some choppy beat. Is that "emo" music? I dont get it. Bands like Beruit, The Weakerthans, Son Volt...I dont get you. You can argue that I dont have an appreciation for music and that might be true but does it even qualify as music? I understand I am way out of my league for writing about music...but then again writing about music is like dancing about architecture. Exactly. Sounds like a lyric from one of the aforementioned bands.

However, I do enjoy these folks so if you have a chance, you should check them out or feel free to come by...I'll give you the free CD.

Iron and Wine-Boy with a Coin
Big Bear- Nashville
Manu Chao-Mala Fama

Cover Letters

Do employers even read these? Do they really "make the difference?" I'm currently in the process of crafting a cover letter for a job that I am not entirely qualified for but I'm trying to sell them on the other positive things I have to offer while expressing my desire to learn and learn quickly. But honestly, when the shit hits the fan, do cover letters even make a hootenany difference. And yes, I just used the word hootenany.

Dream Jobs

In my current search for employment, I often think, oh it would be SO cool to have such and such as your job. Sometimes I wish I was independently wealthy so I could do all sorts of different but enjoyable labor and as soon as it became tedious, I could just switch to something else without having to update my resume. I have spent a good deal of time on craigslist which is awesome but yet not entirely reliable since a majority of the opportunities on craigslist are for employers who are too cheap to actually spend money on posting jobs. Or maybe they know they will find those diamonds in the rough, like me, who constantly peruse the sight and apply as soon as they see something remotely appealing. But back to my dream jobs...

1.) Casting director--this dream job was almost a reality until a "friend" got the job I'd been coveting for a month.

2.) Equipment manager for a new women's soccer team--now, I know what you are thinking, equipment manager and women's soccer...but seriously, equipment managers get to travel with the team, occasionally be on TV and are part of the team and yes, it is women's soccer but it would still be a professional sports. Like I said, these are my dream jobs, not yours.

3.) Food critic--let's see...get paid to eat and be judgmental. Where do I sign up?

4.) Entertainment marketing--doing publicity for a film studio or production company. Save the world from some of the drivel that Hollywood puts out these days.

Mission Accomplished

Upon reading Mags' post regarding the movie Breach and human lie detector skills, I thought that would be a fun way to share my wedding experience this weekend.
So, at this wedding I: (and note, only one of these is true)

a.) Did not trip at all..at all.
b.) Hooked up with a gorgeous guy but then realized he was not so pretty in the morning and when I say hook up, I mean by UD standards "hook up."
c.) Dropped a baby on accident and didnt tell the parents...it was hardly long fall and there was carpet.
d.)Spilled some strawberry sloe gin fizz on the bride's beatiful dress...not noticeable to anyone else but me and didnt tell her.

Fine. All are true. Or are they?

Wedding Bound...

Tonight I'm leaving for yet another wedding. This will be wedding #4 for the year and probably the last wedding for the 07 season. Am I excited? Yes, there will be a few faces there that I havent seen in a while. Super excited? No, I am not super excited because a.) I actually have to do something, meaning a reading, which requires me to walk down an aisle, stand up in front of people and read some Scripture and with my track record, there is a 95% chance that I'll slip or falll or trip and b.) I'm not sure how many stories I can listen to about the 100 things your baby can do now. Cynical and bitter? Definitely. Why can't you just say no to weddings? Thats a great question and as soon as I'm able to say no to weddings then I can say no to smoking and no to free food and no to cream in my cofffee and no to extra free dessert and no to car rides instead of public transportation and no to free internet and no to veggie cream cheeze on my everything bagel. But then again, why would I want to do that?

ABC (WB), NBC, CBS or Fox?

Yesterday, a few friends and I were mulling over cocktails discussing which network we liked the best. We boiled it down to 3 choices originally and I added the WB with ABC because face it, the WB is like ABC for adolescents. Same ridiculous plotlines, sub par acting, and gratuitous eye candy. I also added Fox because it was responsible for one of the singular most hilarious shows ever called Arrested Development.

NBC may take the cake with The Office, 30 Rock (which I hear is really well done), Scrubs, Law & Order, and Heroes. Fox is a close second to since they rule the world in the cartoon realm with Family Guy and Simpsons. CBS...who? I'm not sure I've watched a single show on CBS on purpose. Which brings us to ABC. Greys Anatomy, Ugly Betty, Dirty Sexy Money, Desperate Housewives. When did ABC become ABC sex network?

I'm going to go with NBC. But I do want to know what you think so please, enlighten me.

5 Things About Me that Are Lame...but I dont care

Every once in a while, I feel its important to call myself out on things. Its a purging of sorts...kind of like confession only I dont leave with grace and penance nor does it have the same significant effects on my soul. But I digress and share a few things about me that are totally lame but despite the possible stigma, I hold my head high. At least for a while.

1.) I own Seasons 1 and 2 of The O.C. You know, that whole Marissa-Ryan drama, will Seth and Summer get together, etc. It was gripping stuff with witty dialogue that no self respecting person would ever say in real life. The eye candy doesnt hurt either. It brings me back to what I call the "Paul Walker Syndrome." Greek god looks. Excruciatingly painful acting. Notice how I only own Seasons 1 and 2. Before it got really really shitty. One can argue that it was shitty from the beginning but I dont want to argue, I've already admitted these things are lame, but come on, you thought Seth was pretty funny too.

2.) If my checkbook is messy or there are cross outs, I will, literally, rip out the entire ledger and start over. Even if that means I have to re-enter figures and amounts from 3 months ago. Call it anal, call it ridiculous...either way, neatness counts.

3.) I cannot stand people who misspell things. I love to correct them. Its some sick thing I hold near and dear to my heart but I see misspelling as a major sign of weakness. And I cant stand it. It bothers me. A. whole. lot. So much so that I have to physically get up from the computer and walk away if someone sends me a document with spelling errors.

4.) I love the Thesaurus. All those delicious words floating around just waiting to be used. The 25 cent words that make you seem a bit smarter and more educated. Rather than dwell in the ordinary, the thesaurus allows you to become extraordinary or exceptional, rare, primo, uncommon, remarkable, even singular.

5.) I love liturgical music. All those songs that we sing in Mass, like, One Bread, One Body and Gather Us In, Eagles Wings, Here I Am...those kinds of songs. I love them. Sometimes when I'm supposed to be paying attention in Mass, I will flip to the song section of the missal and pick out my favorite ones and quietly hum them to myself. The song How Great Thou Art brings tears to my eyes. I'm crying now just thinking about it.

Yeah for babies!

I'm going to take a break from Colombia to share exciting news that my cousin is now expecting!!! I love it and I love their little family so I'm uber excited that there is going to be an addition. More babies are such a cute, good thing in this world. Truly great.

My mom left me a message today regarding this cousin's news and shared a conversation she had with my cousins' oldest daughter who is five.

Mom: Hi!! I hear you have big news in the family.

Adorable 5 yr. old cousin: We are having a baby!!!

Mom: I know! So exciting. Do you think its going to be a boy or a girl?

Adorable 5 yr. old: Well...I'm pretty sure its going to be one of those.

Catedral de Sal Zipaquirá

Location: Bogota, Colombia.

One of the very first sites I saw while in this fabulous city. This is famous salt mine in Bogota which was reputed to date back to 3 BC. The mines have been extensively worked over the centuries, but vast reserves of salt still remain. Deep inside the mountain there is an underground "Salt Cathedral" which has been dug out of solid salt and is absolutely breathtaking. Along the path to the Cathedral, miners had dug the stations of the cross to accompany you in your journey. Each of the stations has a large cross carved out of salt and the size of the cross pertains to the specific station. For example, when Jesus falls to the ground, the cross is short and stout depicting his fall.

And this was just day one.

How about that...

So, its been a week and a half since I "moved on" from my previous job and there is this nagging feeling in the back of my mind saying I need to find something fast, something quick, hurry hurry, time's a wastin, how are you going to make money, etc. But you know, sometimes I want to say, "Shut the heck up, little voice." I've only not been working for a week and a half and I did get a part time job helping out a former employer and I've taken some babysitting jobs so damn it, leave me alone.

I am also going through Colombia withdrawal. In Colombia, there is no rush rush. There is "hurry up and get a job" but rather, "relax, its a beautiful day and there is no government overthrow today." In Colombia, in my beautiful hacienda, I would kick off my shoes, play with the dogs, ride my horse in the mountains, drink chocolate and eat crossaints, and take several naps and possibly read my book or take a carriage ride through my extensive grounds. I would eagerly call to Maria to bring me some more limoncello or aguascailente. The funny thing is...all this happened and I was doing this about 3 days ago. No wonder I'm having Colombian withdrawals. The grass is always greener in Colombia.

I went to Colombia and all I got was this dog bite...

Seriously. A dog bit me. We were playing, of course, but he still bit me and I think they shot him. Seriously.

In other news, Colombia was amazing. I cant really blog about it yet because the events of the past week are still sinking in. I can only tell you that I was blow away by the generosity of the people, not to mention the beauty of the country. Yes, parts of Colombia are dangerous but the majority of the people are warm hearted, kind, and hilarious. They are a hard partying bunch too which explains why I'm exhausted. That being said, I'll get back to you tomorrow.

Colombia Bound

Sooo...tomorrow I leave for Colombia. Yes, Colombia the country. Its amazing to me how many people spell it wrong...they keep spelling Columbia like the city in Missouri but its really ColOmbia, the country. Geez.

I'm excited, nervous and wishing that I owned more cute shirts. But alas, I cant go out and buy more cute shirts although I did try today for 2 hours and then I got sick to my stomach because I couldnt believe how many people were at the freakin mall in the middle of the day on a Tuesday. So, I'm heading home to pack and figure out how to hide my numchukas in my bag because if any drug dealer tries ANYTHING, I'm going to whip out my numchkuas and pepper spray and display my skillz. pray for me.

Day 1 in Life of Unemployment

9:00: Wake up and turn off alarm
9:30ish: Wake up for real

10:30: Check email and facebook and blogs and the state departments travel warning about Colombia which happens to be the country to where I'm headed on Wed.

11:00: Watch an episode of Private Practice on abc.com (not too bad--although I dont think I'll bother to watch on primetime)

Noon: Bring lunch to Mom at school

1:30: Chat with Mom and look at all the cute school kids

2:00: Return home and watch the US vs. Norway Bronze medal match from last Sunday. Antagonize about the US's low finish and curse the reporters for perpetuating the Hope Solo scandal.

4:30: Check craigslist for possible career opportunities, think about job search...really think hard.

4:35ish: Check email and blogs again...start thinking about dinner.

Thats where I'm at so far.

Last Day in the Office?

Well, given the FUBAR work situation, this is potentially my last day in the office. I have many thoughts running through my head at this point but the biggest thought right now is how to get accustomed to a new way of living. That may seem a bit drastic but think about, for the last 7 or so months, I've been accustomed to a high quality of life...I've had a steady job, a steady paycheck, a schedule and a career (or so I thought.) Now, I'm faced with uncertainty, finding a source of income, possibly endless days of unproductivity and the arduous task of searching for a new career. Granted, days of unproductivity rest solely on my decision whether or not to attack the world with vigor and agressiveness, but still, there are bound to be at least one or 2 days of blah. I'm not defeated, per se because it is a bit of an exciting time in terms of finding a new job but part of me also wants to curl up in a ball and lick my wounds. No more shrugging off grocery shopping because I can always buy lunch, no more random trips to Payless to buy cute shoes, and most importantly, no more spur of the moment trips to visit friends because hey, I can afford it, I have a job. I'm going to have to hunker down to conserve my hard earned bucks considering I have car payments, loan payments and rent, not to mention those annoying little fees for every damn thing you can think of.

It should be an interesting time. I do appreciate everyone's comiseration and/or advice regarding my next move. Yes, I know networking will be a priority...yes, I know I have a lot of options...yes, I'm glad your friend of a friend's boyfriend's daughter has a butcher shop...you get the idea. But really, its Fridays like this while I'm finishing up projects and passing things on to my soon to be swamped co-workers that I get a little sad and think: Dear God, what have I done wrong?

Glad Handing Dictators

On a different note, what is the deal with Hollywood stars befriending ruthless dictators? I just read an article that said that Kevin Spacey recently had dinner and a 3 hour conversation with Hugo Chavez of Venezuela. Hugo effin Chavez, the dictator, Castro's protege, all around anti-American asshole. Yes, that Hugo Chavez. They had dinner??! It was probably a Hannibal Lector-type dinner where they were eating body parts of freedom fighting Venezualan citizens. Kevin Spacey, I'd check your poo for fingers and toes this evening. Mr. Spacey now joins Sean Penn on the include Chavez on the Christmas card list. This type of behavior is, as Jay Nordlinger points out, "a sickness in our culture — a sickness that causes our glitterati to bend the knee to the worst dictators and tyrants, as long as they’re left-wing...a grotesque and frustrating phenomena." Hear, hear.

The Art of Choking

So early this AM, the US Women's Soccer team lost to Brazil, 4-0. I was/am in shock. Granted the team played down a man the entire second half because the ref made a horrible call...while we are on the subject...what is the deal with the referees making shitty calls. It's like its in their job description, must make 3 shitty, totally unwarranted calls a year. As if to fulfill some sort of quota while the only real quota their filling is getting people pissed. I digress...anyway in wake of the controversial goalkeeper switch...which by the by...the benched goalkeeper is none to happy about in the event of the U.S.'s loss, totally jacked the team in a disheartening way. (view all clips on ESPN.com) They have played uninspired soccer throughout this entire tournament and I am so disappointed in them. Good luck trying to revitalize that women's professional league.

On another note, the mysterious author of the Women's World Cup blog wont publish my comments because they are a.) negative b.) i call the coach an idiot and c.) i disagree with everyone else posts of: "Good luck girlz, you are still the best in my book" or the "hold your heads high ladies, you are champions of the heart." Sick. Sometimes, you just fail and sometimes you are just not the better team and sometimes you just dont come prepared to play. There is some stupid cheer about wanting "it" more to win "it" and its clear the US did not have what IT takes. I think the blog and the team needs a kick in the pants and sometimes negativity will do that...I've already submitted about 4 comments that have not been posted and I'm thinking of submitting this final one: "Your reluctance to publish my previous posts brings me to this final conclusion. You cannot handle adversity just like the US Women's Team." Is that too harsh? Not harsh enough? Maybe I should get my girl Crystal on the case...

Yes, we did end up bowling

For those of you who wanted to know...yes, we did end up going out. We left 3 hours later but seeing as the event was 3 months late...what's 3 more hours? It was enjoyable though even though I bowled the worst game of my life. What can you do when you are surrounded by leather couches, girls with unnaturally short skirts (think strippers), and some kind of creepy, dark red lighting that gives off a vibe of hell and makes you feel like its perpetually night time? Of course you are going to be distracted. I hate those upscale bowling lounges--give me the hole in the wall, smoke while you bowl, pitchers of beer bowling lounge over cheap sex-fueled cosmopolitan hellish thrills any day. Yuck.

It's now 1:30pm and I'm still at work...

WTF? I'm starting to think this midday bowling trip is going to turn into an after work special or worse, a pipe dream. Damn the man...plus I'm starvacious. If it is going to be an after work special well then I'd just as soon go home, ya know?
Yes, yes, I complain a lot....so sue me.

HOWEVER...I may have the answer to both of my problems

My lovable lump of a roommate has walked the walk and talked the talk and we will soon be connected to the world wide interweb from the comfort and privacy of our own home. Now, I will not have to waste company dime by blogging during the day, I can waste away precious hours of sleep trying to satiate you dear readers who crave my words of wit. or not. I can also have the pleasure and advantage to "work" from home making my job search much easier and I wont even have to shower. Benefits all around.

I'll be sure to make our internet a secure connection...can't have those little bastard college kids who moved in behind us mooching off our hard earned broadband.

Wednesday is Fun Day

Today is the day of our summer outing. Now this is funny on two levels: 1.) its not summer anymore and 2.) this was supposed to happen months ago. Okay, I guess its not that funny. What began as a fun Friday family picnic day in August morphed into a Friday afternoon at Great America which fizzled into what is now a mid-week afternoon bowling trip. So, as happy as I am to be getting out of the office at midday, part of me grieves that I will still have 2 more full days of work before the weekend and that I wasted the company dime blogging all morning. No wonder my work sitch is FUBAR.

Dating in the Digital World: Getting Your Mac on Via Mac

The title of my next book chronically the lives of 2 lovestruck Mac adolescents who find love through their webcams and a series of inappropriate emails and emoticons. A pageturner indeed or should I say, "a scroll down for more" hit.

The art of switching your opinion-a democrats way of life

So, I dont mean to go all politico on your reading eyes but I wanted to address the war at some point this year. Now, I am not the #1 Bush supporter but I am well aware that I could do no better in his situation and I believe the leader of our country deserves our respect and support. Plus, I dont like to condemn someone unless I have a better plan or a viable alternative. This being said, those people who criticize Bush and criticize the war need to step back and take a look at the history behind our involvement in the so-called "Bush's War."

I have compiled a list of quotes from several high profile Democrats regarding Saddam and the presence of WMDs. These are the same Democrats leading the charge against Bush and his war in the present day.

1998:
"...are we taking some ambigious route which gives him (Saddam) more opportunities to develop this program of weapons of mass destruction..."
-Bill Clinton

"There are such as thing as international outlaws, I'm not sure China is one of them but I'm quite sure Iran and Iraq are."
-Howard Dean
2002:

"Saddam Hussein certainly has chemical and biological weapons, there's no question about that..."
-Nancy Pelosi

"We know he continues to attempt to gain access to additional capabilities, including nuclear capabilities..."
-Joe Biden

"Saddam Hussein in effect has snubbed his nose at the world community and I think the President is approaching this in the right fashion."
-Harry Reid

"Do you think we could have disarmament without regime change" -Interviewer
"I doubt it...I can support the President, I can support an action against Saddam Hussein because I think its in the long term interest of our national security."
-Hilary Clinton

2003:
"Serving on the intelligence committee and seeing day after day, week after week, briefings on Saddam's weapons of mass destruction and his plans on using those weapons, he may not be allowed to have those..it's just that simple."
-John Edwards

Now all these quotes may have been pulled and edited nicely to create a consumate GOP propaganda tool but hey, I'll take my chances and, as the Democrats have so eloquently exemplified, I can always change my mind.

To Keep with the common theme...

The Word of the Day was panacea. A remedy for all diseases, problems, or evils; a universal medicine; a cure-all.

How apropos seeing as I am in desperate need for the panacea of life. Whatever that may be. To some, its a mani/pedi or a trip to the Hair Cuttery. To some its ending their life. To some its simply taking some time to reflect or improve their relationship with the Higher Power. Some people I used to work with believed a panacea was achieved through vanilla incense and Native American drums.

Eh...to each his own.

In other news, Asiankp has reached an all-time low by, in a moment of weakness, signing up for Urban Dictionary's Word of the Day. For those of you urbanites out there, todays word is daggy, meaning to have no style. Do with it what you will. Insult those you see fitting the description.

Dear MAGS, its called a portmanteau...

A challenge has been laid at the feet of Asiankp. A certain blogger has called her out. Read her nonsense here. To this nonsense, I say again, its called a portmanteau.

My friends at Merriam-Webster define portmanteau as a word or morpheme whose form and meaning are derived from a blending of two or more distinct forms (as smog from smoke and fog). The word in question is verocious which is Asiankp's blending of two or more distinct forms (ferocious and vicious) to make a new word whose meaning is defined by the two distinct forms.

Some other portmanteaus: brunch (breakfast+ lunch), motel (motor+ hotel), chortle (chuckle+snort), bodacious (bold+ audacious), fugly (you know+ugly), dramedy (drama+comedy), fantabulous (fantastic+ fabulous), spork (spoon+ fork), Jazzercise (jazz+ exercise), liger (lion+ tiger), metrosexual (metropolitan + heterosexual), Spanglish (Spanish+ English), and of course, Brangelina (Brad+ Angelina).

Granted, my portmanteau is not widely accepted by the English speaking world nor has it found its way into everyday jargon, but give it time. Heck, Louis Carroll did it and Shakespeare made up words all the time. Get with the program.

Pretty Good Friday...

As far as Fridays go, this one would be one for the books. This morning I had enough car change to get a coffee and a blueberry bagel from Panera. My boss bought lunch. I wrote a damn good pitch that my boss only made a couple edits on as opposed to the usual editing process which involves him scratching out the entire thing and telling me to re-write it. My bosses left early and I'm now drinking beers in the office with my co-workers watching "10 Top World Cup Goals" on You Tube. I'm about to leave and go to Milwaukee to hang out with my cousins and watch some long anticipated soccer games that my dad taped on the DVR. On Sunday, I'll return to Chi-town to attend an MLS game with my beer league soccer team. Oh man...I live for Fridays, nay, I live for weekends. The only thing I'm missing is a little birthday bar hopping for a friend. A small price to pay for a fabulous weekend ahead...

I Do Not Like You Eric Zorn...

http://blogs.chicagotribune.com/news_columnists_ezorn/2007/09/clinic.html

Holy Heckfire...I missed the Emmys!

In all the years of Asiankp's life (24 now), she has never missed an awards show. Some people find these sort of things incredibly boring and trivial and a lot of rich people patting the backs of other rich people. Well, you are right on two counts. It is a bunch of wealthy, well dressed people patting eachother on the back and a little trivial but boring...never. Take this years Emmy's which I, regrettably, missed completely. Thank God for Google News who gave me 343 related articles on the Emmys. I missed the ever hilarious Stephen Colbert and John Stewart riff with special guest Steve Carrell, I missed the potty mouthed Katherine Heigl (say her last name wrong and her head will explode) and the numero uno regret, I missed the ridiculous rant of Sally Field. Sally Field. I didnt know the woman was still kicking let alone on a Emmy nominated show on ABC. I guess in Hollywood you can get 50th chances.

Sally Field's show, Brothers and Sisters, is about a dysfunctional family (surprise! so original!) and she plays the family matriarch. She won the Emmy for the best actress in a dramatic series and in her thank you speech, she goes on a diatribe about mothers. Aww...yes, mothers are the best and they deserve our highest praise and love. But, here's the kicker, at the end of her speech, Sally says, "Lets face it...if mothers ruled, ruled the world, there would be no god damn wars."

Hmm...lets pause to let that sink in. Many of the Hollywood cronies couldnt wait to jump out of their seats and give her a standing ovation. Now, I'm not sure about you, but I know my mother and yes she is sweet and loving but if something happened to me, she would turn into a verocious tiger doing everything she could to protect the one she loved. I feel you be hard pressed to find a mother who said that avoiding conflict is the key to good mothering. Such a statement is a slap in the face to the mothers whose sons have gone off to protect and fight for our country. In a Sally Field world, mothers would be submissive and succumb to immediate surrender. What kind of world would that leave us?? Would young girls be taught to cave in at the first sign of struggle? Would they throw their hands in the air at the first sign of adversity? Sally Field seems to think this would be best. And Hollywood seems to agree. Like sheep, they all follow, bleating incoherent statements about things they have not thought through.

A writer from the NRO put it best:

"On the playground of life, Sally Field is the mom who looks the other way when the brat on the elementary-school slide pushes your son to the ground or throws dirt in your daughter’s face.She’s the mom who holds her tongue at the mall when thugs spew profanities and make crude gestures in front of her brood. She’s the mom who tells her child never to point out when a teacher gets her facts wrong.She’s the mom who buys her teenager beer, condoms, and a hotel room on prom night, because she’d rather give in than assert her parental authority and do battle.She’s the mom whose minivan sports insipid bumper stickers preaching non-intervention at all costs: “Peace is patriotic.” “War is not the answer.” “It Will Be a Great Day When Our Schools Get All the Money They Need and the Air Force Has to Hold a Bake Sale to Buy a Bomber.”

I probably shouldnt even let this drivel get to me. After all these are the same people who gave Al Gore an Oscar.

Just Do It!

With the work day ending and my creative blog posting slowly slipping from my mind, I figured this would be a good time to just do it. There have been several big changes in the last week. For instance, I will soon find myself without the constant Internet access and the comfy chair from IKEA. Thats right. The job situation. FUBAR. I'm not upset or disgruntled or defeated. We had a good run and not even the best PR person in the world could handle a meltdown like Britney's. I'm sorry America. I did what I could. Britney is no longer the nubile, young co-ed who waltzed around on your TV sets singing innocent love songs while wearing a Catholic schoolgirl outfit. No, she is now a Toxic commodity and no longer Lucky. Oops, I did it again, I screwed up and now she's so Lonely and Not a girl, but Yet not a Woman. Oh, well, I'm a slave for you, America.

So that is that. Totally FUBAR'd in the jobby. Which brings me to my next point. Military Acronyms. I LOVE them. I'm totally fascinated by this other language and though, at times, it can be rough, I would love to just talk in acronyms all day. A few favorites include the obvious FUBAR, FIDO, FUNDY (channeling John Cleese here), and DILLIGAF. I recently found it quite entertaining to start saying the word constantly around my apartment and now my roommates have all picked it up and it has become part of our general, late night jargon.

Speaking of words, a friend of mine came up with a word for an internal fart. Genius. It inspired me to do the same. Frustration seems to be my mood of the month and a majority of this frustration is self-inflicted. I thought I wish there was a word that embodied the feeling of frustration brought upon yourself in such large doses that it causes you to feel sick. Thats when it hit me: Frustrabation.

Hmmm...maybe I should steer clear of the Army acronyms and Britney Spears lyrics for a while. They are giving me a dirty mind.

Gosh...

There are so many things I want to blog about and so little time...at work. I may have to sneak away at lunch under the guise of "mailing a letter."

Another reason to have a big family...

Well, there are a number of reasons to have a large family. I simply add another...you can form a band and deliver a truly entertaining and amazing performance.

But seriously, I have been around large families all my life. I do not have a large family, it was not in His plan, but I love hanging out with them. I babysit for them. I have a hard time babysitting for a family with less than three. I can't believe there are people in this world who dont like large families. Maybe I'm just naive.

You Can Thank Me Later...

Check out this site. It should be illegal, probably is...but I really enjoy it.

I should probably add, in case you are confused, you can watch movies here for free...movies just released and old movies as well.

USA 2 Sweden 0

Because I know that you are dying to know...the US women's soccer team won early this morning beating Sweden 2 to nil. Its good because they are now sitting pretty to advance to the quarterfinals depending on how North Korea fares. If they end up on top of the Group, they won't have to face Germany right away. Now, I didnt watch the game but I heard that the team has been struggling and not playing well. They seemed so confident in their send-off series matches...what will it take for them to replicate the confidence they so ably showed on their home turf in China? Maybe a thrashing. Maybe a nice pep talk. Maybe this guy. Either way, I hope they didnt unveil those flashy gold uniforms for no reason. Although, I thought that was pretty snooty, even if they are the "best team we've never heard of."

Entourage

No, I dont watch the show. One of my friends loves it and reminds me everytime I see him to "watch tha show...its off the hizzle...its so freakin guuud man, you dont even know." I see he's picked up the lingo of the show as well. I decided to read up on the show so I turned to Wikipedia because as Michael Scott put it, "Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information."

Wikipedia did not disappoint...they included full plot and character descriptions of everyone including the people that make up Vince's "entourage." It got me thinking...who would I want in my entourage? I came up with a list of 5 fo sho's.

1.) B-whizzle: roommate, confidante and friend to keep you grounded.
2.) C-Dubs: philosophical advisor and speechwriter, aka. publicist, also keep you grounded
3.) Girl from Supercuts: I probably would need a hair stylist and she would be cheap and fast.
4.) Secret Agent Man: I need an agent and if he was secret...no one else would be able to take him from me.
5.) JC-the Big Man. Who wouldnt want him in an entourage? That way you can say things like, "I roll with JC. No one can touch me."

Who would you choose?

If I played on the US WNT soccer team and we were playing North Korea...

I would get a ginormous South Korean flag tattooed on my butt and when I scored the winning goal to beat them 3-2...I would turn and face them and show them that democracy is truly the sunny side up. Does that make any sense? Probably not but it sounds good in my head. I would just want to throw something in their faces for all the grief they have caused the motherland.

14% Chance...

It was a slow day at work so I decided to peruse a website that was recently brought to my attention...I proceeded to have some fun with it. The results are as follows:

My preppy name is Marsden Larkin Oakleigh V aka. Missy
My love life is like the movie Casablanca (hmm...)
If I were crayon, I would be the red crayon.
My Summer Anthem is "Holiday" by Green Day
If I were an X-men, I would be Storm.
My Biblical name is Bethesda Lemuela (I should also note that underneath this name was the phrase-"you will not live to see the end of time")
My punk band name would be the Relaxed Banana Hammocks
My Star Wars name is Katpr Gesco and my Title is the Royras of Nhoj
My Irish name is Avril Doyle
My All-American name is Amy Ann Young (which is funny because my middle name just happens to be Young for reals.)
My Hippie Chick name is Starlight
My Drag Queen name is Mamma Mammeries (ugh)
My Celebrity Baby Name is Leelee Takoma

And last but not least my favorite-"How Sinful Are You":
Sloth: 40%
Envy: 20%
Gluttony: 20%
Pride: 20%
No Greed or Lust or Wrath
There is a 14% chance I'll go to hell.

Awesome.

A Conversation

I'm in DC right now and I run out with my friend to get a pack of smokes.
The conversation I had with Felix, the clerk at the CVS is as follows:

Me: Hi, a pack of camel lights and this pack of gum.

Felix: Hmm....you got ID?

Me: Yep, right here.

Felix: (takes ID and turn it sideways and then back to see if its fake, he then turns it over again and holds it up to the light) Hmm...I'm having some trouble.

Me: Can I help you with something?

Felix: I just...I just dont see a date. I cant sell to you if there is no date.

Me: Well, there is date listed under birthdate.

Felix: I dont see any birthdate on this thing.

Me: (take the ID and point to the first thing below my name): See, right here...B-I-R-T-H-D-A-T-E...birthdate.
(at this point, you might be thinking, wow asiankp is such a little biotch and i was being one but honestly...)

Felix: Oh. Ohhhh.....wow. Wow.

Me: I'm sorry, is there something wrong?

Felix: Oh no...its just you look way younger than that. (there was a bit of an overexaggerated way younger in that statement)

Me: Well, its me. 24. Thanks.

Felix: Yeah. Sure. Okay. Bye.

Please, please please dont tell me that I look younger than 16...because apparently Felix thinks so.

the far east

So, i'm on a vaca. no, not a cow. a vacation. its AWESOME. DC...particularly the Chevy Chase area has some wonderful scenery...although to be honest those circles kind of freak me out. it looks like a major accident just waiting to happen. anyway, its been a phenomenal 3 days so far...chillaxin with old friends and eating some good food. Did I ever tell you about my friends baby...well let me tell you she is the cutest little fatty fat in the world. And, she loves me. Well, I dont know if its love or the fact that i give her food whenever i see her but still...food, love, its all the same thing. i dont want to work again ever. E.V.E.R.

Born Again

Today I was born...24 years ago. Its pretty crazy...I'm almost half a century old. Ick. In 7th grade, we were told to write a paper as if we were 25 and reuniting with old classmates for the anniversary of the Queen Mary sailing trip. It’s funny (maybe sad) but almost everything I wrote in that paper is the exact opposite of my life right now. For example, in my paper, “future” Katie attended the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill and played soccer for their Division I team. She won 3 National Championships. She then got married to an actor and they had 3 children named Leonardo, Franklin and Lucy. She currently lives in North Carolina where she is a successful casting director for Steven Spielberg. She also is the founder of the annual NC Sand Soccer tournament that draws an average of 12,000 people every year. She is happy and she is currently pregnant and hopes she doesn’t have her baby on the boat.

Hm. Well, I did play soccer but for a Division III team but never won a National Championship. I did however manage to eke out a USCAA Championship that involves 6 other independent schools. I am not married and I have no children…to my knowledge. All I know of Steven Spielberg is what I read on imdb.com.
I do live in Chicago (great city) and work in PR (great area). Currently, work is stressing me out more than ever and I never thought I would be that person who stresses about their job. I am happy…but that word now annoys me more than anything. Is anyone really truly happy? You can be happy with this and that in your life but as a permanent state of being…I am nowhere close to that. There are things that make me happy everyday and I will share 24 of those things in honor of my 24 years of living. (not in order of importance)

1.) Amazing apartment
2.) Best roommates a girl could ask for
3.) True and loyal friends
4.) My health
5.) My family
6.) Water
7.) Cheezits
8) Muenster cheese
9.) Bacon
10.) Sharpie markers
11.) Sour Patch Kids
12.) Arrested Development
13.) Netflix
14.) World Cup Soccer
15.) Chinese food
16.) Constant internet access
17.) Sarcasm
18.) Eating really good steak
19.) Cranberry and vodka
20.) SUMMER SHANDY
21.) Sweet potato fries
22.) My casting alerts
23.) My sanity
24.) A future

Patience is a virtue....I do not possess.

It appears now that not one but TWO of my esteemed family members have joined the blogging world. I am so very titillated that I can hardly contain myself. That brings the grand total of blogs I read to number 9. 9 you say..yes, 9! I cant help it. Everytime I come across a new blog, I immediately tag it and mark it in my favorites section. I then proceed to check the blog 2 or 3x a day. Somedays I'll check them more than that...I'll read the other comments and then click on those blogs to get linked to other blogs so I can then mark and favorite those and pretty soon, my entire day hinges on whether or not Toocrazytoeatorsleep has updated their blog. I'll be the first to admit that I've gone overboard. I have a major case of blogitis. Blog. itis. It's a very crippling and debilitating disease that can affect your home life and your work environment. It amazes me how desperately I crave for people to update their blogs or post new pictures or whatnot. Some of these people I dont even know. But I have fallen in love with their wit and writing that I feel as though they are some of my closest friends.

I may have a serious problem.

Wish List

In anticipation of my birthing anniversary, I have compiled the following wish list of things I would like to do/have:

1.) Go to China in September for the Women's World Cup
2.) Shooting range with real guns
3.) Swimming in a giant vat of peach salsa
4.) My very own Police Trainer arcade game
5.) A soft pretzel cart with the good cheese
6.) A lifetime supply of Breyer's All Natural Fruit Bars
7.) Not work
8.) Write the next great american novel
9) Dance Party in the rain

If you think you can make any of those happen...contact me immediately.

Me in Another Life

Worlds Worst Job?

So, in regards to my accident, see below, I spoke to the insurance claims adjustor from the other driver's comany this afternoon. She was a little short with me and rightly so because her company is going to have to pay some massive moola for the repairs to my car. She recorded my "account" of the accident and all that so hopefully this issue will be resolved soon. It got me thinking...could this be the world's worst job? An insurance claims adjustor...dealing with unruly people and egos and a lot of "he said, she said" bullshit. Kinda of like divorce attorneys. I dont know that for a fact but I imagine that is the penultimate of "he said, she said" bullshit.
I certainly did not find her warm and fuzzy which is sign she is probably really good at her job.

It was an accident...

Bull honkey. This morning was a perfectly good morning. There was fresh coffee. We had tons of half and half. I had a granola bar and had gotten a decent nights sleep. I've been having a series of weird dreams lately and last night was no exception. I dreamt that my roommate was Jennifer Aniston BUT the weird thing was my roommate, lets call her Bcaec, was still Bcaec but Jennifer Aniston. Anyway, "Jennifer" kept yelling at me to get up because she wanted to use the bathroom even though she was already showered but she just kept yelling at me saying something about being late for the photo shoot and how she has suffered living with me....yada, yada, yada. Anyway, I finally yelled at her and got up. Then I woke up. Bcaec was showered and dressed but she wasnt yelling at me just simply eating cereal. Weird.
Then, I'm on my way to work and some girl rear ends me. Yep. As in car accident and now I have to deal with insurance, collision, agents, estimates, money and all that other annoying stuff that comes with getting in an accident. I take some comfort in the fact that I am completely blameless but knowing my track record with car accidents, the girl will probably spin this into something ri-cock-ulous like I was the one who rammed my own bumper. Yeah. Makes no sense to me either. Plus, my neck hurts. I cannot wait for this day to be OVER.

!, @, #, $, %, ^, &, *

Oh, don't mind me...I'm just listing off the names of my future children. Little ^ will be such a cutie.

And elsewhere...

I read on Friday that a Chinese couple is attempting to name their new baby, "@". At first, I thought this was some sort of joke. Because, seriously, who names their baby "@". When you say it, "At", it may not be that bad...but then keep thinking about it...soon enough the weirdness of the name will hit you. At. @. At. @. My little @. Baby At. At. @

As GOB would say, "COME ON."

Inbox (8)

This is what I saw when I opened my Outlook this morning. 8 unread messages. 8!!!! So exciting, I thought, wow, something great must have happened. Either another person got engaged, so and so had a baby, so and so is pregnant again, etc. etc.
However, when I opened it...it was 1 junk mail and then 7 Words of the Day that, for some reason, hadnt been sent during the week.

I share them with you now: temporize, masticate, plenitpoteniary, agitprop, celerity, sapid and tattoo. Hmm...it must have been a long week for the folks at Dr. Dictionary.

Who is Kia Vaughn?

Well, you dont know now...but you will soon.

Kia is a member of the Rutgers women's basketball team and a model student and athlete. In the wake of Don Imus' comments, the team has remained fairly level headed and handled this unfortunate situation with dignity and grace...until now. Yesterday, Ms. Vaughn decided to sue Mr. Imus for his comments. She accuses him of libel and slander and causing personal emotional distress.
I dont know about you but it sounds like someone found out they couldnt make a living in the WNBA or perhaps realized they just arent that good. What do you do? I know, sue that one guy who made some racist remarks for tons of money and get your name in the papers.

Sounds fishy to me...read a great op-ed about it here.

Retractions from below

Several corrections to my below post:

-Eustace does not appear until The Voyage of the Dawn Treader...I guess I will have to wait until 2009.
-Balls of Fire-on second thought, I'll not go see that movie...tis a silly movie.
-I am 100% sure that I like all of Cate Blanchett's movies.

But For Reals...

I have read some blogs lately that include a lot of lists...now I always been a huge fan of lists. I feel like its a really nice way to compile a lot of info in a ordered manner. that being said, I'd like to make a list of all the upcoming fall movies that I'm pretty jazzed about seeing:

1.) The Darjeeling Limited-the new Wes Anderson movie. He never disappoints.

2.) August Rush-a fluff movie about an adopted boy trying to find his parents (what can I say...it hits home)

3.) The Curious Case of Benjamin Button-based on the short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald and starring Brad Pitt. It doesnt get any better than that.

4.) American Gangster-2 names. Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe.

5.)Balls of Fury-Christopher Walken as a ping pong ace. Now this i want to see just for a good laugh.

And...looking ahead:

1.) Beowulf-oh come on UD grads...you know you are interested in this one...at the very least, you will all go see it to criticize it and point out its inconsistencies.

2.) National Treasure: Book of Secrets-the sequel to that original adventure romp. probably fluff but really fun fluff.

3.) Prince Caspian-I so enjoyed the first adaptation and am eager to see Eustace again.

4.) Indiana Jones IV-its a classic. plus Cate Blanchett is going to be in it and i am 99.9% sure that she never makes a bad movie.

5.) The Dark Knight-I have loved Christian Bale since Newsies. Plus, it was filmed in Chicago. Represent.

Thoughts

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. thats whats going on in my head now.

arent you glad I shared...

Something to Look Forward To...

ON AUGUST 17th: SPECIAL GUEST-MAGS from thereisnorightanswer.blogspot.com

Dont miss it. Here is a recent picture of Mags:

Thats right...she's that smart.

The Muddy Buddy

Over the weekend, I did this race with my friend. The. Muddy. Buddy. It was, without a doubt, the coolest race ever. A little bit of biking, a little bit of running, a little bit of mud crawling. It made me wish I never smoked. But of course, after finishing the race, what did I do? Grabbed my cigarettes and smoked a victory butt.

Guest Bloggers

Well, I had this brilliant idea...guest bloggers. I was trying to format my blog and make it look all fancy and professional and fun and I found a section that invites other to write on your blog. So, I thought why not have fun guest bloggers. Then I thought, only 4 or 5 people read my blog. But then I thought, well its a good thing those 4 or 5 people are freakin hilarious. So, if you want to guest blog...let me know.

This could be the beginning of a beautiful blogship.

potbellies

Potbellys sandwhiches
not the pigs
george clooney's pet
he is a cutie
george-not the pig

a wreck puts me at a wreck
delicious juicy
stop spending money on lunch
sit on a tuffet
curds and whey.
hey, hey.