"You Moved Your Head..."

I've been seriously slacking on this blog and that is not awesome. I resolve to be more awesome about this blog, that is. And maybe in life too, but baby steps...baby steps.
I've had some time to process my little run-in with the PD. Once my legs stopped shaking and my eye stopped twitching, it was actually a funny story. Or at least one to tell the grand kids.

So my companion, KD and I met up with some friends at a restaurant/bar. It was more a restaurant than a bar. It's not like it was some bourgeois watering hole for the upperly mobile but rather a "cool" restaurant/bar that caters to families and middle-America. So we weren't pounding the drinks. A bit of background for you. I had a beer with dinner around 7pm, another beer after dinner around 8 and then another immediately following around 8:30pm. So lets just say that 3 pints of the Lumpy Dog does not whip me into a verbal frenzy of Bacchanalian splendor. We left the restabar (restaurant + bar=restabar) around 1am. KD and I had parked in a garage that was so narrow, I thought that one wrong turn would certainly land me in the front window of the nearest establishment. Needless to say, I successfully winded my way through the garage levels and was about to pull out when a police cruiser approached from my blind side. I saw him sure and took note but I had the right of way so I paused a little and then continued to pull out ahead of him. Another cruiser was pulled to a stop in front of me exchanging verbal assaults with some intoxicated girl on the sidewalk. I tried to pull around and he pulled forward, I tried to pass and he cut me off. Finally the guy pulls forward and then proceeds to whip a U-turn in the middle of the intersection. Cops.

At this point, I figured I probably looked a bit like a maniac since I had been pulling forward and stopping and moving left and right trying to figure out what exactly the cruiser was going to do. This idiotic maneuvering distracted me enough to not notice that the cruiser from the parking garage was following me the whole time. We pulled up a to a stop sign and I stopped. Now at this point, KD was giving me directions and we were a bit turned around at this point so my stop at this stop sign was not the full 3 second stop and it may have been a bit far into the crosswalk. However, I wouldn't have endangered anyone and it was hardly a punishable offense. Next thing I know, I turn right and I see the bright red and blue lights flashing. My stomach sinks. KD stops lighting her cigarette. We both silently scream, "WTF."

Cop gets out and comes to the window. Usual rigmarole. "License and registration. Blah. Blah." I ask him what exactly I'm getting pulled over for. "You didn't come to a complete stop at that stop sign." I tell him that I'm sorry, I'm from out of town and my friend was giving me directions and we were trying to figure out where we were supposed to go. "You don't know what to do at stop sign?" Silence. This guy is obviously a comedian. "How much have you had to drink this evening?" I tell him one beer. I panicked, okay? But let me reiterate, I was fine. FINE. "I'm going to ask you to step out of car, ma'am." I don't ask why. He makes me stand on the curb and wait while he radios some mumbo jumbo. My license and registration are shoved into his breast pocket and I make a mental note to admonish him if my registration papers get all crinkly. Meanwhile, hordes of fellow co-eds are making their way down the very sidewalk I stand on, staring and pointing but sympathetic, I imagine, for they know this old song and dance. Cop returns. "I'm going to give you a serious of tests and I want you to pay attention and I'm also going to have someone come by and give you a breathalyzer. Its voluntary and cannot be used against you in a court of law. Are you ready?" I nod. In my head, I'm thinking this is all b.s. but I may or may not be about to get arrested. "Follow my pen with just your eyes. Do not move your head. Ready." I follow the pen but move my head. "You moved your head. Do not move your head. Just your eyes. Eyes only. Ready?" He proceeds to wave the pen back and forth, slowly at first and then holding it waaay out in my periphery vision. I follow with just my eyes. He then starts whipping it back and forth like he's erasing a blackboard. I follow with my eyes but I'm getting dizzy. This guy is a maniac with this pen. He slows down and then starts up again, faster and faster. Then he stops.

"Okay. Now I want you to take nine steps heel to toe, like this." He demonstrates. "Count out loud to nine and then take a series of slow steps and come back and do the same thing. Be sure to count out loud. And don't start until I tell you." I wait. His "and don't start until I tell you" was so direct, I imagine he was the sandbox playground Nazi back in his youth. He nods. I walk heel to toe but start wobbling all over the place. I turn to him and tell him I'm wearing heels. "Well, take them off if you think that will help you." I do. I'm now standing barefoot in the freezing cold on the pavement desperately wishing I had not quit ballet. I walk heel to toe, count to nine and then stop. He had mentioned something about a serious of small steps. I panicked again. How many steps is a series? Like two? Maybe a shuffle? A couple? I ask with a slight sarcastic tone. "As many as you need to turn around." Now, at this point, I'm getting angry. I'm fine. KD is sitting in the front seat mouthing "I'm sorry." Its almost 2am. I'm tired and cold and my feet are freezing. I pivot on my now steady but freezing feet and with a bit of flair, I turn around and walk heel to toe, nine more steps. "Okay. Now I want you to stand on one foot, I don't care which foot, and look at your toe and count 1 one thousand...until I tell you to stop. It will probably last about 3o seconds. Don't start until I tell you." Again with that 'don't start until I give the word'. Someone likes being in uniform. I make the very conscious decision to stand on my right foot since my right side is dominant and raise my left foot and begin counting. However, when I get to 20 one thousand, it gets awkward. Have you ever counted past 20 one thousand? Try it. It's hard and you feel silly. Seriously try it.

Now that you've tried it, imagine doing that while standing on one leg and beginning to feel like you will get arrested and have your life ruined because you can't pass a simple counting test. If I hadn't been so cold and shaky, I may have just laughed at the ridiculousness of it all. I could see KD still staring out at me from the passenger window. She was texting furiously and looking up at me with some serious sympathy.

I lasted until 27 one thousand. I then began to waver and had to step down to adjust my balance. He stopped me. "Okay ma'am, I'm going to call another unit over here to give you a breathalyzer, but based on what I've seen, I think you've had too much to drink tonight." Seriously?!!? Seriously??! At this point, I was done. I'd had enough. I was also way too nervous to really get angry because I thought that now would be an incredibly inopportune time to be a smartass. I could only nod angrily. I hoped that my eyes conveyed how futile his interrogation was. Another cop pulled up and came out with the breathalyzer. He gave me the same speech as earlier. Voluntary. Cannot be used against you in a court of law. Blah. Blah. I was so nervous and angry that I didn't even care. They were probably telling me something important and it was probably useful information should I actually get arrested but at this point it was way past 2am and I was in no mood. He inserted the white tube and I blew. I blew and blew and even when he told me to stop, I gave it an extra blow. Small acts of civil disobedience. He and first cop went into a little huddle and I came over to KD's window. We didn't say anything just sort of looked at each other in silence. I think we were both thinking the same thing, 'I could really use a cigarette and a beer right now.'

After a few minutes, cop one sauntered back over. He looked like a man who knows he's defeated but he's still pissed. "You are free to go." And that was it. Just like that. He didn't even look me in the eyes when he said it. I could almost feel the tension and hesitation in his voice as he handed me my license and registration. He had wanted to bust me. And I had won. I got back in the car and breathed an enormous sigh of relief. Almost every fiber of my being was pumping with wild adrenaline. I couldn't stop shaking. KD handed me a cigarette and we drove away as carefully as possible. I had escaped a significant blemish on my, thus far, pure personal record. And it felt good.

We all know that drinking and driving is horrible and should be avoided at all costs. Always have a DD. However, when even your DD is getting pulled over, perhaps its time to throw in the towel and quit drinking all together. But where is the story in that?

Living the Life

T.I. wrote this song called Live Your Life before he went to jail. Isnt it ironic? Or not.

Either way, D.C. living is fabuloso right now. I think part of the reason I'm enjoying myself so much is the fact that I'm here for such an elongated period of time yet I know I'm going home eventually so it feels like an extended vacation with work sprinkled in here and there. Weekdays, I am nanny extrordinaire and weeknights and weekends, I'm a party animal. Well not animal, maybe mammal, or probably small woodland creature. You get the idea.
My accomodations are quite comfy and the beds I've stayed in so far are a thousand times larger than my bed in Chicago. However, nothing beats the water pressure from my shower at home, so until DC can match it, I'm glad I'm not moving. Water pressure?? Who have I become?

I have a very funny anecdote for you all...I will tell it tomorrow. It involves the Bethesda police, high heels and a breathalyzer. Discuss.

MIAMI

So I'm in Miami. It's nice. Very nice. The folks I'm staying with have a house right along the Biscayne Bay. I'm sipping iced tea on the veranda while boats float by blasting Jay-Z. I recently purchased a new solid gold bikini for the occasion so I'm sporting that right now. My porter is out fetching stone water crabs for dinner. I'm going to dip them in a large vat of butter. Oh wait, Will Smith is here...he says, "Holla" and "Isn't this scenery just like that one hit song I wrote several years ago?? Am I the man or what?" I told him he was and that he, Jada, and the rest of the family should join me for crab legs this evening. After that, I hired some local youths to set off firecrackers from a raft in the middle of the bay. Then we are hitting up South Beach to dance our pants off. Good times. Can't believe this is all "work-related."

Halloweenie

I'm not usually a big fan of Halloween...I like wearing clothes and this seems to be a holiday where people relish in the fact that they have to wear little to no clothing. There is a word for it that is not printable for this blog. Anyway, this year, I decided to get "creative." Without further ado, I present my costume...Stick Figure.