Dear Dr. Dictionary,
Thank you for providing me with the title for my next book. "The Sycophant Enjoins the Ambit of the Hardscrabble" will prove to be my best selling book ever. I am not one to brag but I feel as though you and I, Dr. Dictionary, are two souls enjoined in the same body. We think and we act as one.
Sincerely,
Verbose in Vermont
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Oscar Night-A Winner's Speech
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh. Wow! I never thought I would ever make it up here. Especially with all the uneccessary surgeries I've had on my face, lips, eyes, nose and boobs. My knees are intact which is why I made it up here. Thank God no one ever looks at knees. Oh my gosh...you are all looking at my knees. Karen. KAREN. Make an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon. Now. YES NOW! Oh, excuse me. Karen is my assistant. She's a mindless bimbo from that one school in New Hampshire...oh yeah, Harvard.
Anyway, thank you so much. I'd like to thank the Academy. You really like me. Or maybe you like the money I gave you for letting me act after I skipped rehab. Either way, I thank you. This role was so close to my heart. So so so very close. The drugged out, cross dressing transsexual serial killer who finds a heart on the side of the road was simply a joy to play. Each day on set was like a breath of fresh air. I'd like to thank my director. You beat me, literally, but you made me a better actress. This movie really speaks volumes about the kind of things that we in Hollywood care about. We care about our serial killers and giving them a voice. People arent really that bad...especially serial killers because they care about the earth. They are committed to fighting the global warming crisis our country faces. They use the earth to do their work. Dirt is a very precious precious commodity. It also happens to be my favorite new show. You go Courtney Cox!
Anyway, thank you so much. My time is running out but I want to thank God, my family, my dogs who take the place of my children, my stylist, my hairdresser, my 1st pet I had when I was 4...Muffy you really believed in me, I know you are looking down on me from doggy heaven, I want to thank my eco-friendly car, my manicurist, my orthodontist, and all my plastic surgeons. You have restored my natural beauty and allowed me to become the best actress I can be and it shows today with this little gold man. Thank you...my gosh...this thing is heavy...maybe its because I havent eaten in 10 years...oh my gosh...I can barely lift this damn thing. KAREN. KAREN. What the hell...KAREN...you &%%$ and I'm going to *%#^ you....(censored by ABC).
Anyway, thank you so much. I'd like to thank the Academy. You really like me. Or maybe you like the money I gave you for letting me act after I skipped rehab. Either way, I thank you. This role was so close to my heart. So so so very close. The drugged out, cross dressing transsexual serial killer who finds a heart on the side of the road was simply a joy to play. Each day on set was like a breath of fresh air. I'd like to thank my director. You beat me, literally, but you made me a better actress. This movie really speaks volumes about the kind of things that we in Hollywood care about. We care about our serial killers and giving them a voice. People arent really that bad...especially serial killers because they care about the earth. They are committed to fighting the global warming crisis our country faces. They use the earth to do their work. Dirt is a very precious precious commodity. It also happens to be my favorite new show. You go Courtney Cox!
Anyway, thank you so much. My time is running out but I want to thank God, my family, my dogs who take the place of my children, my stylist, my hairdresser, my 1st pet I had when I was 4...Muffy you really believed in me, I know you are looking down on me from doggy heaven, I want to thank my eco-friendly car, my manicurist, my orthodontist, and all my plastic surgeons. You have restored my natural beauty and allowed me to become the best actress I can be and it shows today with this little gold man. Thank you...my gosh...this thing is heavy...maybe its because I havent eaten in 10 years...oh my gosh...I can barely lift this damn thing. KAREN. KAREN. What the hell...KAREN...you &%%$ and I'm going to *%#^ you....(censored by ABC).
Friday, February 23, 2007
Words of the Week
Dear Doctor Dictionary,
Thank you so much for sending me the daily words of the day. You are truly a master of healing through the written word. You are the doyen of speech. Honestly. A pure doyen. Every morning, I am woken from turbid dreams by my roommates sonorous snores and I scurry out of bed. I grab the morning coffee and my horoscope and hit the on button on my PC. I wait as the welcoming Windows greeting sounds and then a ping telling me that I do indeed have the wireless connection courtesy of our downstairs neighbors. I hurridly type in my email server of choice and search my inbox. Then I see it. It is the apogee of my day. There in my inbox in that lovable, lapidary size 10 font is an email from Doctor Dictionary giving me my antidote to doldrums. Salvation does indeed lie within.
So thank you Dr. Dictionary for making the world a better place and for giving me a reason to rise and face the drab, unforgiving, ordinary planet we inhabit. There is a malodorus hint of burning toast so I must go.
-Wordless in Washington
Thank you so much for sending me the daily words of the day. You are truly a master of healing through the written word. You are the doyen of speech. Honestly. A pure doyen. Every morning, I am woken from turbid dreams by my roommates sonorous snores and I scurry out of bed. I grab the morning coffee and my horoscope and hit the on button on my PC. I wait as the welcoming Windows greeting sounds and then a ping telling me that I do indeed have the wireless connection courtesy of our downstairs neighbors. I hurridly type in my email server of choice and search my inbox. Then I see it. It is the apogee of my day. There in my inbox in that lovable, lapidary size 10 font is an email from Doctor Dictionary giving me my antidote to doldrums. Salvation does indeed lie within.
So thank you Dr. Dictionary for making the world a better place and for giving me a reason to rise and face the drab, unforgiving, ordinary planet we inhabit. There is a malodorus hint of burning toast so I must go.
-Wordless in Washington
Late Nights
I have spent the last couple nights staying up late doing something totally irrational and slightly immature. I cannot say what I have been doing because I do not wish to be judged by the blogger community. Only God can judge me...so remember that.
But, really, why is it that we are forced to stay up late, forgo sleepful nights and fanciful dreams for something we know is probably not a good idea? Answer me that. And then judge me.
But, really, why is it that we are forced to stay up late, forgo sleepful nights and fanciful dreams for something we know is probably not a good idea? Answer me that. And then judge me.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Ch-ch-changes...
David Bowie said it best: "Turn and face the strange ch-ch-ch-changes." Usually I love change. I relish change. Whether it be nickels and dimes instead of dollars or Bucktown neighborhood rather than River North, change is a good thing. That being said...I anxiously await the good change that will come of this "new blogger" deal? I even took the time to create a google account just to accomodate the new, improved blogger. I wait with baited breath for any and all new readers...
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Awkward!
Interviews. The very word strikes fear in the hearts of all young professionals. Personally, I'd rather have my wisdom teeth taken out again than attend an interview. My esteemed father provided me with several documents to read on interviewing. But who has time to read?! Seriously with all the fabulous TV...who wants to spend time reading documents about a skill that might be vital to our future.
Case in point: I'm sure the document would have a very detailed section on how to avoid extended periods of silence with a prospective boss during an interview.
Case in point: I'm sure the document would have a very detailed section on how to avoid extended periods of silence with a prospective boss during an interview.
Monday, February 12, 2007
For the Record
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about seeing a film that was originally a book now a sub-par movie. I decided to back up my claims with some real evidence. I finally finished P.D. James' The Children of Men. And it was far far superior to the film. I rest my case.
Invasion of Privacy
Yesterday at work, I was watched. Yes, watched...the entire day. I'd like to think that my employers had something better to do that watch me on their newly installed security cameras but no, I was watched. Often times, people relish the idea of being on camera. They crave it. There is an instant attraction to be seen and heard no matter how insignificant your musings may be. This was not the case. Video cameras and I have a bad history. My own video camera was violently damaged in a shuffle that involved my dog, some ice, and a myriad of stuffed animals. Video cameras do not give me the added 10 pounds, they give me an added 20 pounds plus 3 more folds in my neck.
So, imagine my horror as I stopped to take a break at work today near the front desk. I had been in the back folding laundry for the past hour and wanted to breathe in some expensive healing scents. I paused to talk to the front desk girls who are wildly funny and picked up a magazine for perusal. Not a minute later, the phone rang. It was for me. On the other end of the telephone was my boss, aka, all purpose asshole. "Katherine," he said, "Do you not have enough work to do? I do not want you standing at the front desk reading a magazine, I do not want you going behind the desk. There is no need for any of this. You should not be reading magazines. The place needs to be clean. I need you to stay focused on your job of making the place clean. Do you understand?" Simple statement, annoying of course, but simple. The thing is I cannot convey tone here and that is what did the trick. I hate it when people say simple things in such a condescending manner that you feel small. I'm not an idiot. I was taking a break. But his voice and his tone made me feel as if I were 5 years committing the world's worst sin. His voice reminds me of a carnie swindling old ladies out of their bingo money. That and his wife dresses him. I need to find new job.
So, imagine my horror as I stopped to take a break at work today near the front desk. I had been in the back folding laundry for the past hour and wanted to breathe in some expensive healing scents. I paused to talk to the front desk girls who are wildly funny and picked up a magazine for perusal. Not a minute later, the phone rang. It was for me. On the other end of the telephone was my boss, aka, all purpose asshole. "Katherine," he said, "Do you not have enough work to do? I do not want you standing at the front desk reading a magazine, I do not want you going behind the desk. There is no need for any of this. You should not be reading magazines. The place needs to be clean. I need you to stay focused on your job of making the place clean. Do you understand?" Simple statement, annoying of course, but simple. The thing is I cannot convey tone here and that is what did the trick. I hate it when people say simple things in such a condescending manner that you feel small. I'm not an idiot. I was taking a break. But his voice and his tone made me feel as if I were 5 years committing the world's worst sin. His voice reminds me of a carnie swindling old ladies out of their bingo money. That and his wife dresses him. I need to find new job.
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