Oscar Night-A Winner's Speech

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh. Wow! I never thought I would ever make it up here. Especially with all the uneccessary surgeries I've had on my face, lips, eyes, nose and boobs. My knees are intact which is why I made it up here. Thank God no one ever looks at knees. Oh my gosh...you are all looking at my knees. Karen. KAREN. Make an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon. Now. YES NOW! Oh, excuse me. Karen is my assistant. She's a mindless bimbo from that one school in New Hampshire...oh yeah, Harvard.
Anyway, thank you so much. I'd like to thank the Academy. You really like me. Or maybe you like the money I gave you for letting me act after I skipped rehab. Either way, I thank you. This role was so close to my heart. So so so very close. The drugged out, cross dressing transsexual serial killer who finds a heart on the side of the road was simply a joy to play. Each day on set was like a breath of fresh air. I'd like to thank my director. You beat me, literally, but you made me a better actress. This movie really speaks volumes about the kind of things that we in Hollywood care about. We care about our serial killers and giving them a voice. People arent really that bad...especially serial killers because they care about the earth. They are committed to fighting the global warming crisis our country faces. They use the earth to do their work. Dirt is a very precious precious commodity. It also happens to be my favorite new show. You go Courtney Cox!
Anyway, thank you so much. My time is running out but I want to thank God, my family, my dogs who take the place of my children, my stylist, my hairdresser, my 1st pet I had when I was 4...Muffy you really believed in me, I know you are looking down on me from doggy heaven, I want to thank my eco-friendly car, my manicurist, my orthodontist, and all my plastic surgeons. You have restored my natural beauty and allowed me to become the best actress I can be and it shows today with this little gold man. Thank you...my gosh...this thing is heavy...maybe its because I havent eaten in 10 years...oh my gosh...I can barely lift this damn thing. KAREN. KAREN. What the hell...KAREN...you &%%$ and I'm going to *%#^ you....(censored by ABC).