Gassy Gurl...

My friend recently blogged about her fear of urinating in a public restroom and having conversations with her aged boss while urinating. She seems to have a disorder called "pee fright." Well, I myself suffer from a little thing called gassy gurl disorder. In gassy gurl disorder, one cannot help but repeatedly and consistently pass gas in public. With each offending toot, the stench gets ranker and ranker. I am not proud of this. For example, today I volunteered some of my time to a nearby high school. I was working on organizing grades for report cards which are due at the end of the week. After working solidly for half the morning, I realized that GGD (Gassy Gurl Disorder) was upon me. Fortunately, I had been working in a soft bottom chair which is GGD's best friend since it absorbs all noise and conveniently covers up the stench with its overpowering scent of some odorous disinfectant. Anyway, I thought I was safe as the chair was my ally this morning. Unfortunately, I left to get lunch which required me to walk through the foyer which at the lunch hour is populated by 10th grade girls. Wanting to rush through the crowd to avoid a spontaneous GGD but not wanting to trip in my kitten heels, I half ran/walked through the foyer which gave me the appearance of a retarded rhinoceros thereby rendering me completely vulnerable to society's most judgmental group of adolescents. Surprisingly, this performance only earned me a smattering of finger pointings. Then just as I thought I had it made in the shade, as I did not slip or make a complete fool of myself, I turned to give the girls a lingering smile and GGD struck. My smile turned into a face contorting clench (the kind you make when you are trying to hold in gas) and I summoned three short but high pitched toots to signal my exit. Not only were they high pitched, they sounded like train blasts and I'm pretty sure the receptionist behind glass heard them too.

Luckily, I get to go back tomorrow and try to save face. Try being the key word.