Inspiration

I'm currently in the process of writing two reviews for a friend and also working on short, non-fiction piece about the summers I spent working 3rd shift at a baseball stadium, driving a zamboni-esque cleaning machine and fighting off horny Mexicans.

The problem is, the time I set aside for writing seems to stunt my creativity and then, while I'm at work all these good ideas come to me so I have to jot them down on an office pad that I used to categorize all my bosses' ridiculous requests. And when I have stirring thoughts that I'm about to write down, the damn phone rings, I answer and forget all about that one perfect sentence.

I'm going to have to start looking for inspiration in random places. Or turn my apartment into an office and have my roommates call me 24/7 from the other room asking me to fill the fax machine with paper or check the weather website for the next 5 hours updating them on the winter storm progress or alphabetize their entire tape demo collection. Yeah.

But things are looking up...LOST starts again tonight and I couldn't be more excited to get frustrated.

There Will Be Blah...

So I just went to see Daniel Day Lewis' movie, There Will Be Blood. Intense, with a capital i. I'm not sure I followed all the themes and I have yet to read Upton Sinclair's novel, Oil, which supposedly served as inspiration for the film. The movie is intense from the start. The first 10 minutes are absolutely silent and it merely shows D.D. Lewis digging, sleeping, digging, grunting, falling, moaning, breathing, crying, smoking, staring and digging again. However boring these mindless activities may seem, watching him do it onscreen is still captivating. The movie makes some interesting points about faith, family and greed. And on the whole, the character of Daniel Plainview is something of a demagogue. He is a man slowly building a portfolio of wealth only to have it consume and ruin him as a human being. It is fascinating to watch his demise.

The ending left me feeling blah. And like I wanted to punch someone. The whole movie borders on this psychotic behavior waiting to bust open and when you are finally released from your seat and from the theater, all you want to do is vent your energy somehow, preferably in the form of violence. But not to worry, all I did was smoke a cigarette much to the chagrin of my fellow movie-going buddy.

Anyway, this movie is not for the faint of heart. It does have moments of humor though and watching Paul Dano as an evangelical preacher after his near mute performance in Little Miss Sunshine is certainly a treat. But the real story is Daniel Day Lewis. I dont know how the man does it but he pours his heart and soul and body into this role so much so that you wonder what the real Daniel is like due to his intense Method acting. Overall, you should check it out. Beware it moves slowly but the slow pace has a purpose since you are witnessing the rise and fall of a singular man over 30 years.

And, to TV Girl, I started writing that post on October Road. I call it, "October Road or henceforth to be known as the Show That Made Me Want to Cut off My Legs (0)." More to come later...

A Bunch of HillBillary

I have no intention of turning this into some sort of political blog and inudate you with my theories or opinions. Thats Fort Knock's job. However, this picture made me giggle uncontrollably for at least five minutes.



Inappropriate, maybe. HI-larious, definitely.

Facing the Stench

There is a deserted lobby on the 2nd floor of my building. The door is never locked and the offices down there seem to be perpetually "under construction." Personally, I think the offices are closed due to a malpractice suit by the cosmetic "doctor" who used to operate down there. I've heard rumors about him and his "magic hands."

Anyway, due to the recent bout of freezing weather, a majority of Chicago's homeless have taken to sleeping in whatever warmth they can possibly muster. With the lack of security and our open door policy, the lobby has come to resemble a St. Vincent DePaul shelter. It has also become a teeming cesspool of unfathomable rankness. Now, I dont want to sound like an aristocratic bitch but in all honesty, the stench is unbearable. So unbearable that my thick down coat collar, my hand, a hat and a glove could do nothing to mitigate the stench. The mixture of piss, rotted food, grease and many other untraceable scents were causing me to literally heave up my stomach and the rest of my innards for that matter. I dont know if it was God punishing me for thinking that these people should bathe, but the elevator decided to take extra long to get there, almost as if it knew what awaited below. As I stood there trying to hold back three weeks worth of meals from spilling out of my mouth, I caught the eye of one of the ladies. She was wearing an old, green sweater with holes the size of saucers. She had on several pairs of tube socks, all different colors and she had wrapped her head in newspaper to serve as makeshift earmuffs. Her 6 teeth were a rotted yellow and her skin was weather worn and red. She smiled at me, an odd smile. It was a combination of "How did I get here wearing newspaper on my head" to "That's right...I smell and I smell bad and you have to sit here and drink it in." She made an indecipherable motion with her hand and then fell over on top of another man. Like when a heavy object falls on a mattress and feathers fly, this women's experience with gravity caused her to release another horrendous strain of the stench. I could also feel myself sinking into their giant pool of pollution. Just as face began to contort into inhuman shapes, my nose starting to burn, the elevator took pity on me and arrived. I practically pried the doors open with my fingernail and breathed in fresh elevator air.

As the doors were closing, I noticed that earmuff woman had woken up. Her 6 yellow teeth smiled at me again as the doors shut and the odorous beast was beaten back by stainless steel doors and my stomach finally returned to its normal position.

Tomorrow, I'm taking the stairs.

A Moment of Retardation

As I was leaving work, I grabbed my headphones out of my bag and stuck them in my ears. Usually the volume on my ipod is super low just because I get paranoid about other people hearing my music AND the fact that its super annoying when you can hear other people's music when they are wearing headphones. Anyway, I dont know if it was my hearing loss or the fact that I'd been awake for 12 hours but it took me the entire walk to the train (about 5 city blocks) to realize that the headphones were plugged into nothing and that my ipod was sitting right where I had left it this morning, in the charger.

Worst of the worst of the worst

So a while back, I made a list of actresses that made me want to throw up in my mouth. Now, I'd like to the same with the men. Since my dear friend TV Girl has dedicated a blog to TV, she has made me think more in depthly (is that word?) regarding actors and the craft in general.

Asiankp's BlackList of No Talent Ass Clowns (list is subject to debate):

1.) Paul Walker-if you look past the beautiful blue eyes and a jaw chiseled by Michelangelo himself, the man cannot act. He just cant. Anyone who disagrees with me on this should watch "Into the Blue."

2.) Josh Hartnett-Again, he has a beautiful jawline but since when did squinting become an acting technique?

3.) Chad Michael Murray-a well placed sigh here and there and a look of pained anguish to convey every emotion. It's like he knows he's awful and he apologizing to the audience already.

4.) Ashton Kutcher-like a kid on a sugar high. A perpetual sugar high. He did the comedy thing (Dude Where's My Car) and then the serious thing (Butterfly Effect) but lets be honest, do you ever see him as anything else but Kelso?

5.) Dane Cook-enough already. I'm sick of you and your tourgasm. You make me want to pluck out my eyes.

6.) Hayden Christensen-Who can forget his anguished Darth Vader screaming, "Padme, nooooo"?

7.) Orlando Bloom-again the squinting...although I do enjoy him in Lord of the Rings but what man in his right mind gets overshadowed by a hobbit? And Viggo Mortensen pretty much eclipsed any other man in that series.

8.) Arnold--please never come back. stay in california.

RIP HEATH

I cant believe this is the third RIP I've written on this blog. I'm not sure why I'm so shocked at his death...I figure a majority of the Hollywood stars dabble in drugs and have issues and demons that I'll never have, except for Dakota Fanning and even she is questionable given her almost unnatural cheeriness and energy. But then again, the guy was so young and was poised to become a memorable actor for our generation. It's different when you hear about the old timers like Jimmy Stewart passing and I wouldnt even be surprised to hear of Jack Nicholson's passing (note: he is NOT dead) but this is different because I feel like I sort of aged with Heath. In a weird way. I mean, I was a fan of 10 Things I Hate About You..that movie came out when I was in high school and it was sort of staple movie to quote. Then there was A Knights Tale and subsequent other fluff pictures. Then there was his edgy, first grown up role as a gay cowboy in Brokeback Mountain and the papers screamed "Teen Star Grows Up and Gets Gay." Well, they didnt say that directly but you know what I mean. So, in a way, I feel like I've grown up with him and watch his career blossom and take off. And now he has passed away.

I'd like to know what your favorite Heath movie is...mine is definitely 10 Things and maybe you never liked the guy at all and thought he was shite actor but still, if you had to pick one, what would be your fav (I'll even include the upcoming Batman which he stars as the Joker, which could be everyone's new favorite.)

Heath Ledger Filmography:
10 Things I Hate About You
Two Hands
The Patriot
Monster's Ball
A Knights Tale
The Four Feathers
The Order
Ned Kelly
Casanova
Brokeback Mountain
The Brothers Grimm
Lords of Dogtown
Candy
I'm Not There
The Dark Knight

Conspiracy Theories

A guy I work with insists that the Iraq war, Bay of Pigs invasion, 9/11, and a score of other historical events were all conspiracies concocted by our government to scare the living shit out of us citizens. In addition, all these conspiracies are a plot to make the rich even richer. And the rich people of the world like the Bush's, Vanderbilt's and Rockefellers are all in on an even eviler plot to take over the world. I'm sure tomorrow he will tell me that global warming is the poor persons way of thwarting the rich people's evil ploy to freeze their assets. (haha...asiankp takes a small delight in her little pun.)

Anyway, I'm not sure I follow and honestly, I didnt think Rockefeller's even existed anymore. I have a vague memory of a Rockefeller being mentioned in the same breath as the Titanic but thats about it. And that was over 97 years ago.

I'm not sure I'm fitting in at work.

However, I downloaded this interesting expose on Scientology. Should be some quality entertainment.

The 4 Things Meme

I'm about to do my first meme. Well, at least a meme that I initiate. My cousin sent me this forward about 4 things and since it was only 4 things, I decided to fill it out and send it back. Easy enough. I thought it would make good blog fodder. So here it is.

4 Things Meme

4 Jobs I've had in my life: 1. Night shift custodial cleaner/heavy machines operator>> 2. Housekeeping for Spa>> 3. Receptionist/Office Manager>> 4. Casting Associate

4 movies I've watched more than once: 1. The Power of One>>2. The Shawshank Redemption>>3. Waiting for Guffman>>4. 7 Brides for 7 Brothers

4 places where I have lived:1. Irving, TX>> 2. Brookfield, WI>> 3 .Chicago, IL>> 4. Rome, Italy

4 TV Shows that I watch: 1. Chuck> > 2. Pushing Daisies> > 3. Without a Trace> > 4. American Idol

4 places I have been:> > 1. Colombia> > 2. Poland> > 3. Greece> > 4. Korea> >

4 things you might not know about me:> > 1. I've been cliff jumping in Switzerland> > 2. I geek out over the new iPhone and Moleskine daily planners.> > 3. I blog.> > 4. I hate answering my phone.

4 places I would rather be right now:> > 1. South America> > 2. Heaven> > 3. In bed> > 4. On a beach

4 things I am looking forward to this year:> > 1. Becca's wedding> > 2. Ellen's wedding> > 3. Susan's wedding> > 4. Not attending weddings for another 3 months after that

So theres the meme. So now I tag Crystal, Fort Knocks, Mags, Phil and TV Girl and Laughing Salmon. I pretty much just tagged everyone I know.

In Honor of the King***

And I mean, Martin Luther King, the "I have a dream" guy, my roommates and I are going to have fried chicken and watch Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Well, at least I'm going to watch the Terminator because a.) there is nothing else on and the damn writers strike is ruining my life and b.) lena headey kicks ass.


***as it turns out, I did not watch the Sarah Connor Chronicles but instead watched a horrible movie called "The Contractor" with Wesley Snipes. There was one part that was good and it contained 2 minor characters and they were both crying and the age difference was about 30 years. Am I making no sense? Thats how I felt after this film.

Heartbroken

My dear Packers have lost. To the Giants. The effin Giants. Favre throws an interception on the second play in overtime and the Giants drive down the field to kick a 47 yard field goal. Mind you, their kicker has missed the last two attempts at 34 yards and 40 yards. In 5 short minutes, our Super Bowl dreams have ended. I am a mix of anger and disappointment and just flat out knocked out. Like someone took the wind out of me. The sad thing is...this was supposed to be Favre's golden ride into the sunset. He was supposed to connect with Driver for another 40+ yard run for a touchdown and the win in OT. We were going to crack the bottle of champagne left over from a brunch and smoke victory cigarettes talking about how this was one of the most exciting games we've watched and how Brett Favre might be the greatest quarterback ever to play the game.

Instead, the room deflated and everyone left in silence. A mournful silence. And now I have to cheer for the Giants.

I just read John Mayers blog where he defends Jessica Simpson

And I dont really know what to think. Part of me applauds the guy for sticking up for his ex and honestly, you really think that Jessica Simpson, of all people, had something to do with the Cowboys loss. Please. The Cowboys are a flashy team with a hot quarterback and no heart. And a T.O. Frankly, I believe they are just a team with no soul.

But then again, it makes me laugh. Jessica must have done a number on John for him to write what he did. Perhaps he'll write a song about it someday. And to be sure, it will bring tears to the eyes of pre-pubescent girls and make me throw up in my mouth.

Bobby Fischer, where is he? I dont know, I dont know...

Unfortunately, Asiankp does know. Mr. Fischer has died. This makes three. Asiankp hates being right about death.

In honor of Mr. Fischer, everyone should check out Searching for Bobby Fischer with Joe Mantegna and Laurence Fishburne.

I'm Always Cold

So, now that I have a 9-5 job, it requires me to wear a somewhat professional wardrobe. Well, me being me, I dont have a ton of professional garb that is a.) comfortable b.) correctly falls into the category of professional and c.) fits. I know there are ways to fix problem c. but in order to do that, one must have proper funds and since I have been "funemployed" for the last 3 months or so, the funds are not there or they are being spent on other necessitites such as rent and electricity.

As a result, I usually end up wearing the same pair of pants twice, maybe even 3 times during the week. I change it up with different tops of course but in the end, I end up just wearing my coat. In an effort to mix up the pants with different tops, I end up wearing tops that I'm not crazy about. To solve this problem and not look like Helen Keller dressed me in the morning, I wear my coat. All. day. My coat is kinda like my security blanket. I wear it all the time. I wear it in church. I wear in the car. I wear it to dinner parties. It really never leaves my body unless I'm sleeping or swimming. Part of it is insecurity but really, I just like wearing my coat.

However, its tough to explain this to co-workers who continually pass my desk asking why I'm wearing my coat. I usually tell them that I'm just cold. This works well in the morning because they assume that I've just come in from the chilly Chicago winter but when 3:00 rolls around and I'm still wearing my coat, I'm sure they are wondering what my problem is. Some of them pass by the desk and grab their shoulders and say, "ooo...brrrr. you must be chilly still." I tell them I'm just cold all the time. Like its a problem I have. Sometimes they agree with me but sometimes, I get a look from the guy in the short sleeves and I feel like he can see right through my coat. And my act. And I know deep down he wants to steal my coat.

RIP Brad

I just heard that Brad Renfro died. RIP. For those of you who dont know who Brad Renfro is, you should check out The Client, Sleepers and if you are in happy, go-lucky mood, try Tom and Huck. And since people die in threes and dear Rosa has died, Asiankp can only wonder who is next?

Baby-Cam and Married Peoples

Tonight I babysat for a family that has a baby monitor with a video screen. It was the weirdest thing ever. It was just like all the other regular baby monitors but it had a video screen attached that was connected to a camera hidden in the baby's room and positioned on the crib so if the baby cries, you can look and see whats going on before you run into the room. Which is weird on several levels.

Also, I have an issue with married people. I'm sure this is going to be taken out of context but I know ALOT of married people. Some of them are great friends of mine and will always be great friends but some of them, upon getting married, become detached in a way and somewhat haughty about their remaining single friends. Do I think they do this out of spite? Absolutely not. I do however feel that there is a sort of mindset that they enter, and rightfully so, they are now part of another, 2 becoming 1, etc. , but I have found that some of them adopt a wholly indifferent mindset towards the singletons of the world. It is a mindset that they, perhaps adopt subconsciously, but it is still annoying and, in certain cases, rude. For example, the couple that I was babysitting for was hosting a couples with children workshop. Upon entering the room, a couple that I know eyed me, took me aside and said, "Asiankp, what in the world are you doing here?" I resisted saying that I got married Vegas and was pregnant and just smiled and said something about being there to babysit. With (and I swear I saw it) a sigh of relief, they said, "Oh that makes sense. We didnt think you were here for the workshop."

Damn right. I was not there for the effin workshop. You see, marriage is great. It is a wonderful and beautiful thing. However, you are not part of some cool club now and there is no reason for you to act better than me just because you are married. I'm not a cynic and I hope to get married someday but somebody shoot me before I act like that. Granted, I know several couples who have not changed one iota since marriage. And they are awesome. And I would like to thank each and every one of those folks for their stellar example.

Sometimes my job makes me feel 5 years old

I mean, the work is definitely not the work of the five year old. For example, today I spent the entire morning, afternoon and late afternoon on the phone setting up auditions. I even got chewed out by a dyslexic man. It was not my fault and for the record, I sympathized with him.

However, when my boss calls me Pumpkin, Sweetie Pie, Hunny Bunny and other "pet names," I often feel as though I'm back in kindergarten and Mrs. Loomis is telling me not to turn the class plants upside down and to finish my math facts so I can outside for recess.

But then again, its kinda funny and endearing. I mean, how often in the workplace do you hear the term Hunny Bunny multiple times and what are the odds that its directed at you?

My Love Affair with YouTube

Yes. YouTube and I have now entered a relationship. Its is consensual and it is pure, pure love. Seriously, I was a big fan of YouTube since it began but now, I'm head over heels in love. Where else can you re-live one of the greatest upsets in college football, or watch a fabulous tribute video to your favorite TV show or even watch horrible movies because you are too cheap to rent them but you still want some eye candy. Nowhere else but YouTube.
I've even begun to contribute to the relationship but due to the nature of the video content, I will not link them here. I feel the general public is not ready for their weirdness.

That's all I have really. I just wanted to share the joy with the rest of you.

Boring Boring Boring

One of my favorite movies contains a scene with a musical number where the characters dress up like small town folk and dance with an alien. They sing a song called "Nothing Ever Happens on Mars." Can you name the movie?

As you can tell from my last 3 posts, I'm now boring. I have some semblance of a normal life back which means go to bed at a decent hour, work a 9 to 5er, home, dinner, maybe a few minutes of the boob tube, bed and then it all starts again. A vicious cycle. No more staying up until 3am watching clips on YouTube. No more movies at night. No more movies during the day. Its like normal life dries up my well of creativity. Not that it was a thriving spring before but I did have a few good days. I'm not sure what this says about me. Can I only thrive in a state of unemployment and find joy in being unproductive and lazy? Am I doomed to become just another non-ghetto, yuppie, pod person?

Why is Missouri Called the "Show-Me" State?

Since Fort Knocks has graciously offered a humorous and enlightening post on the recent campaigns, I thought I would attempt to return the favor and answer a query of his regarding Missouri's questionable state nickname:

There are a number of stories and legends behind Missouri's sobriquet "Show-Me" state. The slogan is not official, but is common throughout the state and is used on Missouri license plates.
The most widely known legend attributes the phrase to Missouri's U.S. Congressman Willard Duncan Vandiver. In a speech there, he declared, "I come from a state that raises corn and cotton and cockleburs. However the slogan originated, it has since passed into a different meaning entirely, and is now used to indicate the stalwart, conservative, noncredulous character of Missourians.

Yes I cut out a majority of the quote because between you and me, it doesnt really matter. Kinda like the campaigns.

A Moment of Dumas

Do you remember that scene in the Shawshank Redemption when Red and his fellow prisoners are sorting through books to put into the newly furnished library? Well, its a great movie so shame on you if you havent seen it. Anyway, Heywood, a fellow prisoner, picks up the Count of Monte Cristo written by Alexandre Dumas and says, "Whose this fellow? This Alexandry Dum-Ass..." Anyway, it always makes me chuckle because a.) It happens to be one of my favorite books and b.) I have definitely heard people with way more education than old Heywood prounounce it the exact same way.

Well, I had a moment of Dumas last night when I burned myself on the eye with my cigarette. Here's the thing, I hadn't had anything to drink, I wasnt driving and there was absolutely no reason in the world that I needed to raise my hand at that moment. It was, purely and simply, a moment of Dumas.


If you look closely right above the iris, you can see a burn shaped like the tip of the finger. Or something like that. Also, please ignore my unplucked eyebrow. Sick.

Hydration is Key

So all of my creative juices and energies are being focused into getting this job I'm currently vying for, so I've decided to turn to other mediums on this blog. For my first test:



I think I'm going to have to fire my cameraman, or in is this case, camera woman.

A good question

So, Mags was recently watching the news and heard an ad for a $25 million bounty from the U.S. for Osama Bin Laden-dead or alive. She then posted this question: What would be easier for a person like me: assassinating Bin Laden or winning the lottery?

I think thats a great question and deserves some real thought. I mean, what are the chances? Seriously. Ponder that.

BUT...this just made me giggle.

Congratualtions! You are 6% ghetto

It looks like you keep yourself out of the ghetto and are living ghetto free. Also, you may be white.

How Ghetto Are You
Create Your Own Quiz

If you are a family member of mine and happened to witness my salad bowl performance of "albino", this should make you chuckle.

It May Be Time for a Life Change

So, Mags has sucked me in again with her little quizzy quiz quizzoids. I think this will be my last one seeing as I'm not sure that attracting yuppies is a good thing. And, I'm pretty sure that its not true because I only seem to attract men over 50 with no necks. Long story but it involves a bodybuilder named Leo, a bar in my neighborhood that I hate and far too much alcohol.

What type of person do you attract? Your Result: You attract Yuppies! You attract the very well-dressed, job oriented type of people. They usually have their finances together, are 'middle of the road' on most topics, generally happy with the 'main-stream' of things. If it is stability you are after, these are good people to attract, if you seek adventure, it may be time for an overhaul.
You attract geeks!
You attract models!
You attract artsy people!
You attract rednecks!
You attract unstable people!
What type of person do you attract? Quizzes for MySpace

Freedom just another word for nothing left to lose...

I had an interview this morning. It went well. I'm going to fill in temporarily until they decide if they want me there full-time. Which means, the rest of the week, I'm on trial and I just have to show them how indispensible and brilliant I am. If anyone has any ideas on how to do that without being a total kiss-ass, please let me know.

The interview lasted about 20 minutes or so. Pretty good considering the last one was only a short 9.4 minutes. It was downtown right off of Michigan Ave and since I never go downtown, I thought I would hang out for a few. I ended up in a Starbucks doing the crossword and staring at all the little girls and flustered moms walking by with their giant American Girl bags. I could only take so much of that so I left and continued to traverse down Michigan toward my El stop. I ran into tons of shoppers eagerly running into the Gap to redeem their gift cards. I saw similar behavior outside the Apple store too. On a sidenote, during the holidays, I had the opportunity to play with the iPhone and let me just say, the thing is REALLY quite cool. I would never have the money to purchase one of these and even if I did, it would go towards food and maybe a new pair of shoes, but gosh darn, they are fun, fun little gadgets.

Anyway, as I was thinking about the new year and how I might have a job for a while, I mourned the fact that now that I was beginning to have some stability and a set schedule, I would no longer have the freedom to travel whenever I wanted. Which stinks because I had some pretty great ideas:

-Road trip with my brother out East to visit relatives and friends
-Cali to visit my cousin and my roommate who may no longer be there now that I've waited so long
-Utah for some kick ass camping/climbing with cousin
-Portland to visit a friend
-NYC because its NYC
-Michigan to visit friends and see friend's new baby
-Visits to the movie theater in the middle of the day to see matinees

Do not ask me why I used a Janis Joplin lyric for the title of this post. It has no relevance whatsoever.

What Book Are You?

Taking a cue from Lagartija and Mags, I took the What Book Are You Quiz. Results as follows:

You're The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe!
by C.S. Lewis

You were just looking for some decent clothes when everything changed
quite dramatically. For the better or for the worse, it is still hard to tell. Now it
seems like winter will never end and you feel cursed. Soon there will be an epic
struggle between two forces in your life and you are very concerned about a betrayal
that could turn the balance. If this makes it sound like you're re-enacting Christian
theological events, that may or may not be coincidence. When in doubt, put your trust
in zoo animals.

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

The second time around I was The Giver which comes with this description: While you grew up with a sheltered childhood, you're pretty sure everyone around you is even more sheltered. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, you were tapped on the shoulder and transported to the real world. This made you horrified by your prior upbringing and now you're tormented by how to reconcile these two lives. Ultimately, the struggle comes down to that old free will issue. Choose wisely.

Choose wisely. The new motto for Asiankp's 08 Year.

Sleep Apnea*

* thanks to Mags for the correct spelling

I have no idea what the word really means but I thought it would be a nice title for this post. Its almost 1 am and I'm still wide awake. Lately, I've been going to bed around 3 or 4am and then waking up around 11am the next day. I do not recommend this lifestyle but I've adopted it lately since I havent had a full time job since September. Therefore, I do it because I can. Here are some other things I do because I can:

-make Asian jokes
-drink vodka with V8 Berry Splash
-blog at 1am in the morning
-watch 3 movies in one day
-dance around my apartment naked

I'm not saying these are necessarily good things and I'm pretty sure the only one that really applies to what I'm getting at is the first one.

Katulia Pryiles (hint: Its a portmanteau)

So, I had to copy my cousin, Lagartija and do this. The result is hilarious seeing as the My Heritage site doesnt take into account skin color or nationality.



Ahh...its a little scary when my face starts to eat itself.

Worst of the Worst

So the holidays give me lots of time to think. And while I'm on the subject of thinking, I'd like to share with you thoughts that have been permeating my brain lately. Bad actresses.

Without further ado:

Asiankp's List of Actresses who Make Her Throw up in Her Mouth:

1.) Kirsten Dunst--with the exception of Bring it On where I feel she was just being herself, the girl is flat out awful. Just awful. I can't watch any movie with her without cringing. The proof: Spiderman 1,2,3,; Marie Antoniette; Elizabethtown; Beatiful; pretty much any movie she's done.

2.) Cameron Diaz--I know she's pretty but seriously, did anyone else see her "crying" scene in The Holiday?

3.) Kate Bosworth--another pretty face but sadly, a no-talent ass clown. The thing is, I think she has it in her, the right project just hasnt come along. Unfortunately, Superman, Blue Crush and Win a Date with Tad Hamilton did.

4.) Halle Berry--I know she won an Oscar but apparently the Academy tends to overlook stuff like Gothika and Catwoman.

5.) Katie Holmes--even pre-Tom Cruise brainwash, she was only mediocre. If you have a soft spot in your heart for her character Joey of Dawson's Creek fame, just watch Batman Begins.

6.) Jessica Simpson--enough said. Dont quit your dayjob.

7.) Hillary Duff--ditto on Jessica.

On the fence: Jennifer Aniston, Romola Garai, Lindsay Lohan, Heather Graham

Feel free to add your own to this list. I know I'm forgetting someone.

Post Christmas Post

Christmas has come and gone but my bellyache still lingers. It must have been the 4 gingerbread men I ate last night. Dont judge. If you saw those gingerbread men, I'm sure you would have eaten 4 too. They were practically begging me to eat them. Groveling, in fact. I'm sure I can think of a million ways to justify eating them but the real honest reason is that I have no willpower and I love frosting with sprinkles and the smell of gingerbread.

Baby Jesus' birthday was a pretty rockin party. We had a rousing game of salad bowl and decided to mix it up a little bit by playing the singles vs. married couples. Pretty close game and I'm pretty loathe to admit that the married folk beat us by 4 points. I dont want to point fingers but a certain cousin who will remain nameless could have easily won us the game had she not had a brain freeze. But, no hard feelings Mags. Really. I loved watching my parents victory "dance" and the subsequent gloating that followed. Food was good as always. Nothing can beat an Italian Christmas.

In terms of gifts, I ended up with a nice haul. My folks got me a mini video recorder called the Small Wonder which I have affectionately dubbed, Little Buddy. Anyway, its similar to a video camera but smaller and equipped with software that makes it easy to email, post, etc. Perhaps I shall turn this blog into a video blog or vlog, but I'm on the fence about that because that would mean I would have to show my face.

My father is sitting behind me begging me to go see the new Nic Cage movie. you know, that National Treasure: Book of Secrets movie. He is relentless. He will not let me finish typing until I give him an answer.....umm...maybe? Okay, that seems to sedate him. Oh no wait, he's back....yes Dad....yes Dad....okay, I should run and explain to him how Nic Cage is not the new actor for the millenium.

OH yeah in OH

Its 60 degrees and gorgeous in Ohio today. I'm on hour 22 of this whirlwind trip but let me tell you, it's been amazing. I'd like to insert my favorite cliche here to describe the experience: Good food, good family and good fun. My little cousin is currently infatuated with all things Pirates so we just played Pirates of the Caribbean in the backyard and before he does anything he asks, "Do pirates eat sausage?" or "Do pirates take naps?" or my favorite, "Do pirates have Christmas?" He's so cool. He has also taken to reciting lines from the Pirate movies so he'll stand up on a chair and shout at the top of his lungs, "DO WE HAVE AN ACCORD MEN??" Its so refreshing and genuinely sweet to see kids be so excited about something. When was the last time we were so excited about something that we breathed, ate and slept it? I can only speak for myself when I say that time has come and gone. And I miss it.

Breaking up is hard to do...

I was winning the game. See, my roommate and I started a game to pass the time while smoking. We had a rather large pot at the bottom of our staircase so we would take turns trying to get the butts in the pot. (That sentence is so weird to write.) Anyway, if you got the cig butt in, you got two points. If it went in off the rim, you got one. Well, I was kicking butt until my roommate decided to quit smoking without asking me. So, I was regulated to either play the game by myself or be lulled into a false sense of victory. I took the latter which would explain why I posted this picture and took to the world wide interweb to brag about my dominance of our cig-in-the-pot game.

I'm also sitting here, while my roommates are snug in bed, waiting for my folks to pick me up for our impromptu 24 hour visit to Ohio which would explain the lame post because I feel like I should blog about waiting to go on this trip but I dont really have anything to say except it surprises me that my folks have decided to be so impromptu at this stage in their life. What will they think of next? Reading my blog? Heavens to Betsy, hell no.

2 Sticks and a Knife

So my cousin has been out in the mountains of Utah working at a wilderness therapy program for troubled teens. Its a pretty heavy deal but he's doing awesome and the work sounds challenging but fulfilling. Anyway, one of things they do with the kids is teach them to start a fire without matches or any lighter fluid. Nothing else but two sticks, tree bark, and a knife. I was doubtful about the process but then he demonstrated for me right there on the porch in the middle of a Chicago neighborhood. And let me tell you, it was the COOLEST thing I've ever seen. I want to explain it but wont be able to do it justice. However, watching him make this primitive fire was like being transported in time and I was a caveman smacking my head against the wall while a smarter homosapien was rubbing two sticks together and creating magic. Okay, thats a stretch...but it was like that. It earned my utmost respect and admiration. So thats that. The quickest way to my heart is to make me a fire using two sticks and knife.

Elsewhere, our bathroom is going through some renovation. Basically we have water damage to our bathroom floor which is causing cracked tiles which is causing the ceiling below to slowly cave in which is causing our creeping landlord to come over more than usual. So anyway, the bathroom is being renovated (FINALLY) because my landlord finally got the point that when I'm sitting on the toilet, I feel like I'm going to fall right through the floor. So in one sense I'm happy about the problem finally being fixed but another part of me worries that a 3-day job is going to turn into a 3-week job and I'm going to end up with some sick ill-matching tile on the floor.

Although this made me laugh when I came home:

Awesome. Now we can do our laundry and do our business at the same time. Two birds, one stone.

Got Rice?

One of my favorite videos that I recently re-discovered. Not for kids. Rated PG13 for language and disturbing cartoon images.

Its beginning to look alot like Christmas

Now, I dont mean to brag or nothing but I am quite fond of wrapping packages in brown paper...you know...like the song: Brown paper packages tied up with string...these are a few of my favorite things. And I think I'm darn good at it.

And another with color:

And finally, the snow has fallen and it is B-E-A-UTIFUL.

Online Shopping

Saturdays are usually useless. I sleep in late and the only thing that separates Saturdays from the rest of the week for me is that my roommates are home. Such is the life of the unemployed citizen. However, this morning was entirely productive. I woke up at a decent hour and spent the morning cleaning and Christmas shopping online. I resisted the urge to shop in my underwear and showered and put on clothing. Crazy, I know. Here's the thing, online shopping is awesome. With 2 clicks of a button, you are safe from long lines, annoying holiday help and clusterfucks. Also, prices seem to be more reasonable. For example a book that I wanted to buy from Barnes and Noble cost $25.00 in store but $15.00 at Amazon and with shipping costs, its still cheaper than going to B&N. So here is my holiday advice: Shop online.

Another random thingy- Pushing Daisies was nominated for 3 Golden Globes, including Best New Comedy/Musical Series on TV. Hoo-rah. Its about time the Hollywood Foreign Press acknowledges something other than the Sopranos, Greys Anatomy and 24.

Apologies in Advance

So, Fort Knocks has thrown out a meme and I cannot refuse. It goes as follows:

1. Find a poem (or two, if you're ambitious) that you wrote in high school. If you can't find a poem, find a piece of prose. If you can't find a piece of prose, find a history paper or something.

2. Post it!

3. Tag three people to do the same.

So, here begins the humiliation. In my high school English class, we had two options for the final. Write a paper or write 2 poems on one theme we had discussed. This is the result:

A flower with a perfect bud
Nipped and developed
Planted deep within the sod
Growing and flourishing
Never wilts and never faulters
It's growing all the time
Soon it will be fine as wine
Try to grasp reality,
We are not perfect, it and me.

A work of art
With such flourish
Making like a whirling dervish
Colors smart and shine like the sun
As a childs face while having fun
The frame is cold, the artist old
But still the painting leaves me cold
Try to grasp reality,
We are not perfect, it and me.

Perfect face and hands and feet
Always trimmed, always neat
Never a hair out of place
Powdered white and pretty face
Groomed for style and pampered too
Frosty like the morning dew
Try to grasp reality,
We are not perfect, you and me.

Totally cringe-worthy. So now, I tag Mags, LaGartija, and Laughing Salmon.

There IS such a thing as trying too hard

I don't mean to be Captain Obvious here but I have noticed that a majority of people I know are trying too hard. Plain and simple. Just trying too hard. It is noticeable in the way they talk, write, act and many other actions that humans do. I myself have been guilty of trying too hard but what I've seen lately is just making me sick to my stomach. I want to call them out but I fear the repercussions so I think I'll just sit back and laugh to myself at all the silly people who are trying just too damn hard.

Winter Wonderland

Yesterday, I went to visit my friend who is teaching at LFA, a private prep boarding school in one of the richest neighborhoods in the country. Several of the students who attend live in castles and their fathers own fighter jets just for fun. The school however does NOT disappoint. I was thoroughly impressed with the architecture of the school, it was rather Victorian, I think...and a majority of the classes are held in a giant mansion affectionately called The Mansion. The grounds are impressive as well. There is a section that reminded me of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon touched with icicles and fresh powdery snow. The students seemed pretty normal although I did manage to identify the Plastic girls right away. If you dont know what I mean when I refer to the Plastics then we have no business being friends. All in all, it was a good day.

But back to reality, I was perusing the Chicago craigslist ads today and saw a posting for a FEMALE personal assistant for established Hollywood Producer. Naturally I was intruiged which occurs 97% of the time I'm on craigslist. They dont ask for much, just a resume and a picture. Part of me is dying to apply, just to see. However, jobs that often require a picture make me wary. It seems to me that by asking for a picture, this prospective employer desires someone fairly attractive. This was also evident by the specific capitalization of the word FEMALE in the title. Which annoys me. Why ask for a picture? Just put in your description: Seeking someone highly attractive with low body mass index and nice skin and big boobs. By asking for a picture, it implies that looks are incredibly important because a.) you are going places and want to get noticed by having some hot arm candy or b.) you are incredibly shallow and materialistic or c.) you are going to use this female personal assistant for something other than errands. Why else would you ask for a picture?
So should I apply? And should I send a picture? Maybe I'll go on the internet and send a picture of some famous movie star instead. Like Lucy Lui. Then I'll show up at the interview being entirely NOT Lucy Lui. Yeah, that'll show 'em. Common Citizen--2 points. Big Bad Hollywood--0.

My Cookies bring all the boys to the yard...

Damn right...it's better than yours. My cookies (see below for full story) turned out awesome. Deliciously awesome and I did end up using the mint cocoa powder and it tastes just fine. Better than fine. The mix of mint, butterscotch, and white chocolate is actually a party in your mouth.

I'm off to Lake Forest this morning to visit a friend who is teaching up there at the local, elitist boarding school. I'm going to take a tour of the vast grounds which will be touched with a tinge of wintry goodness. Some stops on the tour include the Mansion and Some Distinguished Person's Name Library Hall. I used to always imagine what it would be like to attend boarding school and I always wanted to be one of those girls that sort of ruled the roost as the rebel--you know--who busts the rich girl for cheating or sneaks in refugees. But then I think of all the movies centered around boarding schools and how the kids have a tough life with tough stuff going on at home and parents who dont love them and I figured that my Protestant-bent, autonomous, regimented high school experience was good enough.

And a P.S.

I like this blue for the blog. Do you? Or is it too blue?

Fascination with Pies

So lately, I've been having a fascination with all things pie. For example, my new favorite show is called Pushing Daisies which is all about a pie-maker. And today, I saw a movie called Waitress which is about a young woman in an unhappy marriage who finds her release in pie-making. Perhaps its more a credit to the directors and artistic directors because what is so fascinating is the process of the pie making. And the way they film it and the details they take in creating that effect for viewers. It makes my mouth water just thinking about it.

It has even inspired me to start baking more. So today, I'm going to make white chocolate and butterscotch cookies. Could these two ingredients be gross together? Probably, but I dont care. I'm reckless like that. But then again chocolate and butterscotch are pretty divine things so it can't be that bad. The thing is, the receipe calls for 1 tsp of Nestle Toll House cocoa baking powder. I'm not sure we have it...in fact, I positive we dont...so do you think I can just use mint cocoa powder instead?

So remember my previous post about that woman whose husband liked to make racial slurs because he thought minorities would find them funny...

Well, if you dont you can read it here. But anyway, I finally met this man on Saturday night. And he was just as vile, thoughtless and ignorant as I imagined.

Mission Accomplished Part Deux

Thats funny. When I started to type in the title of this post, it reminded me that I've already used this title. Hence, the part deux. What did I accomplish? Well for starters, I finally got a gift for the FCPE, which, I think, is pretty awesome. Even if no one else likes it, I'll steal if for myself.
I have two parties to attend this evening. Should be a good weekend.

Novena just ended. I hope all my praying pays off.

On Location...

So there is a movie being filmed in my neighborhood today. Actually, its just a few short blocks from my apartment. After a calculated trip to the nearby market, one of the security guards told me it was Jennifer Aniston and some other starts filming for a new HBO series. At first I was excited but then realized he might be lying kinda like when they were filming the Batman movie downtown and when people asked what they were filming, PAs and security personnel were instructed to say it was a film called Chris Nolans Great Adventure. (FYI: Chris Nolan is actually the director of the film). So I didnt get my hopes up but did manage to send an email to my roommates stating that Jennifer Aniston was in our neighborhood. To it's truth I cannot attest but it sounded cool in an email. However because of the film, 1 side of all the surrounding streets have been blocked off and labeled no parking zones at the behest of the Chicago PD. Now this is annoying on many levels because a.) I couldnt drive to the market because it was so crowded and I had to walk. Damn those bastards for making me exercise. and b.) there is no place to park in a 2 block radius of my apartment which makes for a very uncomfortable hike in 20 degree weather.

On the other hand, its pretty exciting to see the movie trailers lining the streets and signs on your familiar stomping grounds that say: This way to set. The starstruck schoolgirl in me is loving it.

2 Things

Thing #1: Another one of my blogging friends has made her blog an "invite-only" blog. Now, I think its shenanigans. Make it public already. Or if you are worried about weird predators on the Internet, then I can protect you. Either way, this is all about me and my ego so just let me view it already. I don't want to miss out anymore on your witty repertoire.

Thing #2: My downstairs neighbors are pretty cool. They invite us to do stuff occasionally and they comiserate with us regarding our Norman Bates-like landlord. But they do weird stuff. Like playing their music so loud that my butt vibrates as I'm trying to eat my lunch. Seriously. Around 2oclock this afternoon, I'm sitting down to a ham and cheese sandwich and going to catch up on the latest episode of Chuck when all of sudden my chair and my butt are bouncing around uncomfortably. I thought at first I was having some fated flatulence but no, it was just good vibrations. It would be ironic if that was the song, but alas, its some indecipherable banging and wailing.

And I lied...there's three things. Thing #3: I went to a yoga class today. My friend had suggested it was a good idea, you know, something to try out. Let me just say it was awesome. It energized me for the entire day so I think I'm going to go back on Saturday, contort my body and "squeeze out all the remaining negative toxins". Direct quote from my instructor.

One of those moments...

So, here am I in my bathrobe contemplating whether or not I should go food shopping. I haven't been to the grocery store in about 3 or 4 weeks, which is kinda criminal because it means I've been eating my roommates food but also kinda understandable since we just had a holiday that involves major leftovers and I spent 1 of those weeks at home eating all the good foodstuffs I want at no cost.
But the thing is...the decision to go shopping (and bear with me because I'm about to be overly analytical) is not just about getting food because I'm starving, its about having the gumption to get up and get something accomplished. Now, I'm not starting at a real good place because I know that shopping is something that people do everyday, heck, maybe even twice a day and its not something that one usually labels an "accomplishment." But since I am not working full time and am lacking for motivation in life at this point, going shopping will be an accomplishment. Which leads me to think about accomplishment in general. I dont feel that, at this point in my life, I've accomplished much. Sure, I've had a good job here and there and yes I graduated college but all these things seem like the norm to me. Recently, a whole slew of friends made big decisions in their lives which will, no doubt, foster a sense of accomplishment. One is working out in the wilderness with at risk teens--he up and made a big move knowing no one out there. Another just got a job and is working on her nursing certification. Another is an amazing mom with a baby on the way. Another moved to Spain to au pair and do something she's talked about doing for the past 4 years. Another is getting married in a few months and couldnt be happier. And still others are working hard and giving their best in whatever job they have even if its not their desired position. These are accomplishments. And they will serve to make these people better people in the long run.
So, will I go shopping? Probably. My stomach is growling way to much to ignore. And maybe, just maybe, this small victory will serve as the first in a long line of accomplishments.

The F.C.P.E

Family. Christmas. Present. Exchange. This year, all the cousins are doing our 2nd Annual FCPE. Its more like Yankee Swap or as my friend Dwight calls it, Machiavelli meets Christmas. The problem is I have absolutely no idea what to get. Last year, I bought the Die Hard trilogy set-quality holiday flicks. I'd like to think it was a hot item. I think I want to go in the movie direction again but I'm not sure which ones to get. I was thinking of getting a variety of movies from several different genres you know...like a movie starter kit...or something. My creativitiy is at an all-time low and I have no idea why. I'll blame the weather. This is a lame post so I'll spice it up a bit by including my new favorite video, starring Linda and Howie.

One of those hilarious videos that makes you pee your pants...

So, my roommate showed me this video. I was laughing non-stop for about 20 minutes during and after. She also shared this wonderful story:

Her younger sister used to participate in track and field relays. For those not familiar with relays, runners pass a baton between each other while completing different sections of the track. During a hand-off, the one handing off the baton will yell, "Stick" while the other runner will take off and throw their hand behind their back to receive the stick without breaking stride. In this particular case, my roommate's sister was receiving the baton. Her teammate yelled "Stick" so she took off running positioning her hand behind her back to receive the baton. However, the baton never came. Her teammate, in a misconstrued effort to hand off the baton, proceeded to jam the baton as hard as she could into the girls ass. Or rather right between the two cheeks. In the heat of the moment, she had missed the hand and hit where the sun don't shine. Ouch.

The funny part is, that after hearing that story, we proceeded to re-enact the entire scene all the way home from the bar (3 or 4 blocks) which consisted of each of us sneaking up on the other and yelling STICK and then punching the offending parties' buttocks. Good times, good times. I sometimes feel as though I've become handicapped with a natural immaturity.

How the Writer's Strike Will Affect Your Favorite TV Shows

After watching the Packers suffer a crushing defeat at the hands of the 'Boys, I was perusing the net and found this link. Helpful if you want to check out which of your favorite shows are going to be delegated to re-run city.

Also, TO is overrated and I just dont like the guy.

Procrastination et al.

I should be working on various cover letters and updating my resume. Actually I did that the better part of the morning so I'm allowed some leeway. I also managed to catch up on the new Pushing Daisies episode and create a new JibJab video (not for kids). What a productive morning.

Last night I attended a storytelling night that involved a good friend, 7n7's and cigarettes. A few good stories, one hilarious one. The last story told quelled all my fears of creating some thought-provoking, deep, introspective non-fiction piece. The story was a simple, yet highly humorous account of feeling out of place among the upper crust, elite society of Chanel and couture-wearing witches. It made me realize that I didnt have to have some out of body experiences to be able to write compelling non-fiction prose. Perhaps most of you already knew this but the realization to me finally sunk in last night. So thank you, storyteller, you changed my perspective.

I have decided that I'm going to do my Pilates video every day. Maybe if I get really ambitious, I"ll do two workouts in the morning and one at night. (Note: really ambitious should read: really really really ambitious and there is nothing else to do and I'm bored out of my mind.) I've heard people say its all about discipline and that working out does make you feel good and releases endorphins and endorphins make you happy, etc. but there are tons of other things that make me happy so I'll pick from those until I'm out of options.

I have not heard back yet about my interview. I'm 75% disappointed and 25% apathetic. I wanted the job but do not think I put forth a solid effort in relaying that message. So, part of me is angry with myself for putting forth less than 100% but the other part of me is thinking: WTF? Its not a complicated job and I've had tons of related experience. Why the hell not pick me? But then again, if you told someone you had good verbal and oral communications skills, then corrected yourself and then made an awkward joke about how verbal and oral are the same thing...well, would you want to work with a person like that?

And why is it that Chinese food is so satisfying in the moment but then later you feel the gurgle in your belly and high tail it to the restroom as quick as humanely possible?

Narcissism at it's best

Like, I said: Narcissism at it's best.

You will also enjoy this little video of Mags. I love you, cousin.

Interview Schminterview

So, today I had an interview and I was super nervous because I'm not THAT good at dancing. I mean, I knew I had to have a routine prepared but I only had the music on a mix tape and apparently no one owns a boombox with a cassette player. Come to think of it, I'm not sure many people own a boombox anymore. Anyway, since my music wasnt functioning properly, I offered to interpretative dance if they had a beach ball handy. Sadly, they didnt. They decided we would sit in the lotus position and they would ask me questions. After the usual rigmarole of questions such as What is your favorite word? and Why did the chicken cross the road?, we moved on the tough stuff like, Do you think Superman killed his parents or who makes a better Superman: Brandon Routh or Christopher Reeve? After some serious sweating, they then decided to have a taste test. I would alternately try different brands of soda pop and try to guess which was which. I accurately identified the RC Cola from the Coca-Cola and even succeeded in naming a foreign Coca-Cola product from Singapore. Then came the physicals. I had to shave an extremely hairy dog in less than 2 minutes. I didnt finish shaving the dog but did manage to construct the perfect Beckham updo on an unfortunate French poodle. They liked it so much, they all posed with my creation. After that, they took me out for lobster and steak.
I think I'm shoe-in for the position.

It wasnt what I expected but at least it was better than spending all morning stressing and preparing answers and then taking two buses to the location only to have them spend less than 10 minutes with you to find out you suck at life.

Stay tuned for those photos.

This or That

Sometimes, I want to know what other people are thinking. Since I dont have ESP or any fun superpower, the best way to find out is be inquisitive. So, in honor of being proactive, I want to know what you like better. It's also possible that you will have no opinions on these topics whatsoever. But humor me.

Coke or Pepsi?
Jessica Alba or Jessica Biel?
Fleece or Cotton?
Fajitas or Burritos?
Bruce Willis or Nicholas Cage?
Die Hard or Terminator?
Paperback or Hardcover?
ABC or NBC?
The Office or Arrested Development?
Tom Cruise or Cindy Sheehnan?
Rain or Snow?
Sweet or Salty?
Cold or Hot?
Rome or Paris?

I need to shave.

That would be the caption to go with the picture to my right.

It's all about the salad bowl

I've been reading numerous posts regarding Thanksgiving traditions and how everyone has their own trepidations of the holiday or other families have the perfect holiday and everyone gets along splendidly like the Brady Bunch and how the family that prays together stays together. Yes, yes, this is all very true but in my family, when it comes to holidays, its all about the salad bowl.

I'm not talking about pretty Aunt Mamie's giant salad bowl that holds your favorite spinach and strawberry salad but rather the cutthroat competition that involves charades, word association and, as my brother and I call it, word vomit. See salad bowl is a game and not just any game but a true test of knowledge, acting ability and familial connection. I could explain the game here but that would take too long and well, you just wouldnt get it. You have to experience it.

Now, my family is not perfect. We have issues. We tend to be loud, we tend to be on the overly competitive side and we tend to get somewhat sensitive over comments made during the heat of the battle. But in the end, when all is said and done, we crack a few beers and laugh about how my uncle tried to get us to guess "Yoga for Kids" by rolling around on the floor in the fetal position. Or how my cousin chose the word virgin and we watched with delight as my father awkwardly tried to demonstrate the word. Before you start to think, what an immature, honky, disgusting family, I will also mention how Homer, magic realism, binary fission and gerund managed to make it into the bowl.

You see, salad bowl connects our family. The young and the old. And we dont just play it on holidays, we play it every time there are at least 5 family members present. And since we live in close proximity and insist on getting together every time an opportunity presents itself, we play a lot of salad bowl.

We learn more about eachother in those 2 hours than we could sitting around the dinner table. There is no better way to get to know your cousin than when the game is tied and he has to make you guess the phrase: Meningitis is really getting me down by only using one word. There is no better feeling that high fiving your brother after he scores 15 points in one round in the hardest stage of the game. Or laughing hysterically when your uncle picks the names of three people he knew in high school and then forgetting what he wrote down leaving you and the rest of your teammates in a huge bind as you try to make them guess the name Ezra Chupp.

There are moments of weakness but they also bring about glimpses of character. Like when your 10 year old cousin is trying to make his team guess the term 12th Man and your dad gets up and prances around like an idiot just to help him out.

Our salad bowl game is a tradition. And I believe it makes us stronger as a family. Sure there are moments of frustration, words being said, names being thrown around but in the end, what family doesnt have those brief moments? Fortunately, we have a little friendly competition to use as an outlet and even if tempers flare in the living room, they are extinguished outside as two opposing players instantly bond over Uncle Howie's hilarious interpretation of Julia Childs in the kitchen or your own over the top impression of Cyndi Lauper.

We love the game. We love eachother and thats what its all about in the end. A family is nothing but a group of people who have deep unconditional love for one another. In the end, the family that plays together, stays together. And we plan on playing together for a long, long time.

Nannies vs Babysitters

What is the difference really? In my mind, there is no difference. However, if you want me to come up with a difference, I could arguably say that a nanny is during the day and babysitters come at night. However, I didnt think there was a huge distinction between the two...until today.
I was bannying (my portmanteau for nanny + babysitting) today and my young charge and I decided to go outside and race up and down the sidewalk. As we were reveling in our little game, a neighboring mom approached with her little girl. My young charge and the young girl were quite familiar with eachother so they set off to play some spritely game of their own. As this typical-mom-who-lives-in-Old Town-but-would-probably-be-better-suited-living-in-Lincoln Park and I watched the young girls, she asked the usual how are you, whats your name type questions. I responded with all the right answers. She then asked, "Now, are you the regular nanny?" I didnt know how to respond because a.) it was really early b.) I hadnt had anything to eat c.) The woman was carrying a grocery bag with feminine products and other "items" that were broadcasting her sex life in plain sight so I was distracted and d.) the woman I babysit for is super cool and I dont necessarily nanny or babysit, I just hang out with the kids while she works in her home office for a few hours.

I said, "Naw, Im just the..." and before I could finish this mom looked down her nose and finished the sentence for me with an air of disdain, "...babysitter." As if the very word made her feel all dirty inside and out.

I smiled politely and then grabbed her bag of groceries and made like a hammer thrower and flung her belongings as far as I could into oncoming traffic.

Eggs and Bacon

I'm starving right now. S-T-A-R-V-I-N-G. There are bacon and eggs in the fridge and if I was the least bit proactive, I would get up and make them. But I'd rather sit on my ass and talk about the bacon and eggs and how hungry I am until someone gets the hint and says, well asiankp would you like me to make you some. And then I can hem and haw for a while, all the while they are insisting they can make it and finally I'll relent with some big sigh and say I'll do the dishes to show that I am grateful and helpful. In the end, I'll get what I want because when it comes to bacon and eggs, there is no better motivator. In getting what you want.

A Little Over a Year...

Today I had some extra time so I decided to look over some old posts from the beginning of the year. I wanted to see if my blogging style had changed and in what capacity. It was weird reading what I wrote so many months ago and it occurred to me how many different things I've done. It may not be all that impressive to you but to me, its pretty interesting to see where I've come and where I've gone even though I may not, currently, be happy with the result. So, its been a little over a year since I started this blog. In that time, the following significant events have occurred (not in order):

-Interned/freelanced with the casting company
-Bears went to the Super Bowl
-Worked in a new age spa as housekeeping
-Observed one co-worker perform Native American rituals in the closet
-Learned there is such thing as a feng shui haircut
-Failed to enter World Series of Pop Culture again
-Got married
-Appeared in the Red Eye paper
-Drank so much that I stripped naked in the middle of a play
-Went to New York to visit a friend
-Taught 7/8th grade girls about virtues
-Had triplets
-Worked for a PR/Marketing/Communications company
-Attended 3 weddings
-Developed bunions on my ass from so much sitting and not enough moving
-Almost went to Asia
-Got divorced
-Produced a one-man musical comedy
-Did the Muddy Buddy
-Joined the circus as the bearded lady
-Fell off the Ferris Wheel
-Got fired
-Learned to fly planes and then crashed one killing 8 people
-Went to Colombia
-Got arrested for smuggling drugs back into the states

So, thats where I'm at now. Its amazing how much does or doesnt happen in a little over a year.

Won't You Be My Neighbors

Since I missed a total of 3 days so far in NaBloPoMo, does that mean I'm inadequate for this type of exercise or is it some greater sign that I'm consistently inconsistent in things that require everyday committment? I dont really know and I guess I dont really care. Its not part of my "perspective" at the moment.

In other news, while I've been slumming at home, my car has taken another beating. Nothing to equal the caliber of the rear end incident but still a beating. My parents neighbors backed into my car the other day smashing the drivers side tail light. Now, usually such a thing would send me off in a verbal litany of insults but since I'm the idiot who smashed my mothers side mirror while backing out of the garage a couple months ago, I've decided I am not one to pass judgement on poor driving.

Anyway, my neighbors being the friendly ones that they are, left me a kind note saying they will pay for all the damages, etc. They even taped the broken pieces of the light to my window in a sign of good faith.

So, I got the car fixed (the only productive thing I've done all week besides applying for random online jobs) and I have the bill waiting for them. Nothing too steep. $100 or so. I call my neighbors asking if when a good time to bring over the bill would be and she responds, tomorrow sometime. She then asks if I have roommates in Chicago. I reply positively. She then asks if we like wine. Again, I insist that we do, even though, I dont drink wine nearly as much as I should. She then says, oh honey, thats just great...we'll throw in a couple extra bottles of wine for your trouble.

I seriously live in Mr. Roger's neighborhood. Its awesome. So my roomies, wine is on the way.

The Phone Voice

I want my own personal talkie. Not a walkie talkie, but a talkie. Allow me to elaborate. For the past couple of days, I've had to make phone calls to various people who are strangers to me. They do not know me but they know someone who knows me. I want something from them. Something they can give pretty easily if they like you. Isnt networking fun? However, a majority of this getting to know you biz is done over the phone and it sucks and its awkward and hey thats life. I hate the sound of my own voice. In fact, I hate the sound of my own voice so much that I feel the need to blog about it every 2 months or so. ANYWAY, production companies usually hire voice actors to do voice overs for various things so I figure, why cant I hire a 'talkie.' You know...I could just go to the "voice store" and customize my very own talkie and then I would feed it/her/him (havent figured out the gender thing yet) the words I'd like and it would come out pitch perfect and friendly without being fake, cheery but not ditzy, serious but not monotone, sharp but not caustic, etc. In essence, it would be the perfect voice saying the perfect things. Granted, it would not be prepared to think on its own so I would have to continually feed it lines but it would be great if it could factor in the other person's tone and then adjust accordingly. Like if the person on the other end was getting impatient in tone, then the 'talkie' would speak slightly faster than normal. It would just be great to not have to think that someone who I've never met is judging me based on the sound quality of my voice which, I believe, sounds like scratchy pre-pubescent girl.

Frustration Station

I am SO incredibly frustrated right now, I dont know what to do. This is probably the entirely wrong medium upon which to vent but I'm not a big YouTuber and I dont believe in Myspace. Facebook would have too many people asking questions so my semi-private blog will have to do.

I am currently unemployed. Funemployment is the term I give it so people do not think that I'm depressed or upset that I'm out of work. Here's the thing. I'm not depressed. But I am upset. But its more than upset with not having a job and it goes beyond the "what will people think of me" feeling. I'm upset that I cant figure out what I'm supposed to do in life. I'm upset that it seems so gosh darn easy for other people to figure out what they want to do in life and then they do it. I'm upset that some people have their dream job fall right into their lap. Maybe its unfair for me to assume that no one else has issues when it comes to finding a purpose and a path in life and I'm sure that everyone goes through their own trials and their own inner turmoil but I'm not writing about them. I suffer from a lack of confidence and I'm not really sure how to get over it. I also cannot understand my lack of motivation at this point. Where's my motivation? I feel like most of my days are spent searching for jobs online and applying but it just so happens that only 2% of people get hired via internet job search. So my chances of being that 2% are pretty damn slim.

Sometimes, I want to just throw it all out the window. Literally, package up all this stress and seal with duct tape and throw it out the window. I would love to watch that thing hit the ground and shatter into 3489239487 billion pieces and then get swept up by some street cleaner taken somewhere to never be seen again.

But, then again, I feel like all this stress is a part of growing and as cliche as it sounds, all this will turn out to be some magnificent experience in the end. All this networking bullshit, as stupid as it sounds, will be the thing that saved my life and my sanity. Currently though, my mood is not this light and I'm grasping for perspective here. And I can't seem to find it.

Also, Spiderman 3 is about the worst movie I've ever seen and it is 2.5 hours of my life wasted that I will never get back.

Have you Ever Reached that point in your life where you just want to go to sleep forever not because you are tired physically...but because you

Are just mentally tired out with life? Thats where I'm at. Call me Rip Van Winkle.

In lieu of the writers strike...

Last night as I settled down to watch The Office, I decided to flip flop back and forth between commercials and Greys Anatomy. I was bored. While on ABC, I noticed several advertisements on for shows that were "making a comeback." Both of these shows, Notes from the Underbelly and October Road, are awful. Simply awful. Both were cancelled after several weeks due to low ratings. I think October Road finished out the season but only online (?). Anyway, it was rumored that both shows were written to be ABC's next big hits and I imagine that full seasons of episodes were written. However due to high quality suckage, the shows were cancelled. However, due to a writers strike, I suspect that good material is being hard to come by and networks are being forced to drudge up less than mediocre material to fill time slots and not completely piss off viewers. Hence, two completely asinine shows will air in the coming weeks. Dont miss it. Or miss it. Run the other way, actually.

In other news, tonight I'm playing with several other faculty members in a basketball game versus the varsity girls team. To prepare, I had an extra cup of coffee this morning and not one, but two cigarettes. Best shape of my life.

My Apologies

I feel like NaBloPoMo brings out the long posts in me. Ehh...what can you do?

"It's not racist, it's ethnic."

For the past couple weeks, off and on, I've been working at this school. Just helping out, doing administrative randomness for my friend who also happens to be the assistant head of school. It's nice to have friends in high places. Anyway, today she told me that a certain department required extra help as the school is having a huge open house this weekend. Not knowing whats in store and against my better judgment, I agree. Ridiculousness then ensued.

This woman, who shall remain nameless, is disgustingly blunt and caustic. She is one of those people who says really harsh things under the guise of humor but the kind of humor that only people who have known you for 20 years will get. She is also incredibly nosy. But thats another story for another time. Anyway, somehow we get on the topic of ethnic people...can't really remember how it happened because thats how random this woman is. One minute we are discussing how admission standards have decreased and the next minute, we are discussing how her husband and her sons are so "ethnic." Ethnic. I'm thinking maybe she married some Indian or some Middle Easterner, but no, I've seen her son and he's as white as sour cream and as short as a mushroom. I digress. So back to ethnicity. Knowing full well that she is not married to a foreigner, I ask what she means. "Oh you know, my husband and son are SO ethnic. Like my daughter-in-law is Jewish and my sons always call her the Jew...like right to her face. They love to give her a hard time. They say that stuff to her all the time, right to her face and its so funny." Asiankp figures she is joking. She continues, "Like my husband and I love Mexicans...we have even had 2 or 3 of them stay with us like every year and we always go there but my husband will always say, 'I love Mexico but the problem is there are too many damn Mexicans here. And then all the Mexicans will laugh and say, Oh mister b. you is sooo funny.'" Again, silence on my end. But she is not done. "Oh geez and my sons, they are so ethnic too, I mean, my sister in law is Italian and they always say to her face, 'I'd tell you but then I'd have to kill you. Hohoho...you know its so funny." Again, decidedly not funny.

Finally, after silence for a while she says, "Well, my husband will probably get beat up or shot someday with the way he talks, I mean he's just so ethnic he cant help it sometimes. One day, I'm gonna like find him in the alley and say, 'Who did this to you, was it the spics or the mexs'? I mean, he really has it coming. But he's just so ethnic you know. Like for example, my other sister-in-law is Asian and so we always say to her, 'Hey Sandy, who brought the rice? Or Sandy, did you forget the rice? I mean, my family is so crazy. We are just so crazy and ethnic, we love to give people a hard time. But they find it so funny, you know. They do."

Hmm...I understand a little ethnic joke every now and again, but really, dont pretend that your husband is so "ethnic" when he's so not. Maybe me and my Asian mafia will come by your house and chop off his head with our samurai swords. Now, that would be funny.

Random Thoughts

What would it be like to be a mail person? In my current state of funemployment, I've been thinking about all kinds of work and recently have been perusing the Chicago state department website for job opportunities. Now, one of the links on the site is for the US Postal Service and they are in need of carriers. I can just imagine sorting through mail and seeing that Joe Blow over here receives Men's Health and Sports Illustrated and Susie Q on Elm Street likes to recieve Women's Wear Daily and the Eddie Bauer catalogue. Susie's daughter has a yearly subscription to Tiger Beat or Sweet Sixteen Popstars Hunky Guys magazine. Then later, when I'm at a bar and I meet this same Joe Blow, I can freak the living daylights out of him by spouting off his name and address and what magazines he recieves and ask him how he liked the feature in Men's Health about how to avoid itch in your jockstrap. What fun I would have...

Another random thing, winter makes me feel bloated and tired all the time. Its disgusting, really. So in an attempt to fight off these feelings, I have agreed to play ultimate frisbee this evening in the frigid night air. The problem is I can't find my lucky hat or my long johns so the feelings of bloating and fatigue are washing over me like a warm bath.

And yet another, my roommates and I watched a random movie last night. Reign Over Me with Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle. The movie was, like I said, random and I dont think I'll ever watch it again but my roommate noted that Don Cheadle's nose was so incredibly large that the thought overshadowed the entire evening and I couldnt concentrate on the plot or the acting because I was so distracted by Don's incredibly large schnozz. Dont you hate that when that happens?

And still another, if two members of the opposite sex meet on a certain day every week, would that not in fact be called dating?

The Art of the Insult

Today I was working at this school when the assistant director of admissions came up to say her usual "welcome, thanks for filling in, you are a really big help" speech. Admissions directors always rub me the wrong way because they have that permanent goofy smile on their face even at 7:30am. Anyway, as I grab the free bagels and schmear, she taps me on the shoulder. I've prepared a little speech, something that explains why I'm there, why I dont have a real job, my credentials, what I'm looking for, etc. I'm fully prepared for the cheerful patrol. Instead, she taps me on the shoulder and says, "How old are you dear? Because you look like you are 12 years old. I mean, 12 years old. Gosh, how do you like that?" I pause. How do I like that? How do I like that you think I'm effin 12 years old? Part of me wants to whip out a cigarette and a 7 and 7 and blow smoke in her face and say, Listen lady, would a 12 year old do this and then grab the nearest man and start fornicating right there in the teachers lounge. Unfortunately, this is an all girls school.
I'm not really sure what to say so I curtly smile and say, "No Grandma, I'm 24 years old."

Another thing: Hollywood writers on strike. I guess you can only spin the Iraq war so many ways.

Another thing: Katie Holmes ran the NYC marathon. What a beast! But the best thing I heard was TMZ's dubbing of little Suri the "Scientolotot."

Failure to Launch

So...I've already failed in the great blogging experiment by missing a day. Yesterday, Sunday, I did not blog. But come on, even God needed one day of rest when creating the world so I should be excused. Because I am a god as well. A blogging god. Not the God, but a god. With that in mind, I'll be sure to post later from my lofty perch.

Raviolis for Grandma...

In college, I took a Children's Literature course. It was awesome. The teacher was a lovable old curmudgeon with more opinions than Dear Abby but she knew her stuff. Anyway, for our final project, we had to write and illustrate a children's book of our own. I decided to write mine for my late grandmother who loved pigs and loved to cook. It was called: Irene, A Pig's Tail. It was, in my opinion, the best book ever. I'm not going to reiterate the story here but it was a fine homage to my late grandmother who was probably the closest relative I have that will achieve sainthood.

Anyway, all the women of the family are meeting this afternoon to take part in the ravioli-making tradition. We eat raviolis for Christmas dinner so we make all the raviolis by hand which is a fun yet grueling process that involves more than one brusied ego and ruined raviolis. Then we watch the men take turns admiring their new guns and gambling and talking about their next hit. After all, we are an Italian family.

Lewd, Crude and a Battitude.

I realize that my previous post contained possible "bathroom humor" commonly found hilarious by preteen boys and immature college students. However as a college graduate with a seemingly sophisticated palate of interests and activities, I too, find it hilarious. So for those of you who found it out of taste and gross, I say, get over yourself. I could have talked about the uterus or something if you wanted to get real nasty and I dont think you do. Uterus...thats fun to say.

Speaking of fun words, today's urban dictionary world of the day was: cinematard. This is probably the best word I've heard all week. Since I live with a bunch of cinematards, I thought, great, here is a word I can throw around and have it catch on faster than my FUBAR kick. Spread it, use it, love it. Cinematard. The best thing is that the word can easily be changed into cinematurd. Why is it that all the fun words usually revolve around the buttocks? Is there something inherently funny about the buttocks or maybe its what the buttocks is known for producing...I"ll never know.

I hope to someday move away from this shit and on to some more sophisticated humor. Oh crap. That will never happen. Some caca crazy person will find their way into my life and I'll be forever surrounded by the poo. I guess thats life.

Gassy Gurl...

My friend recently blogged about her fear of urinating in a public restroom and having conversations with her aged boss while urinating. She seems to have a disorder called "pee fright." Well, I myself suffer from a little thing called gassy gurl disorder. In gassy gurl disorder, one cannot help but repeatedly and consistently pass gas in public. With each offending toot, the stench gets ranker and ranker. I am not proud of this. For example, today I volunteered some of my time to a nearby high school. I was working on organizing grades for report cards which are due at the end of the week. After working solidly for half the morning, I realized that GGD (Gassy Gurl Disorder) was upon me. Fortunately, I had been working in a soft bottom chair which is GGD's best friend since it absorbs all noise and conveniently covers up the stench with its overpowering scent of some odorous disinfectant. Anyway, I thought I was safe as the chair was my ally this morning. Unfortunately, I left to get lunch which required me to walk through the foyer which at the lunch hour is populated by 10th grade girls. Wanting to rush through the crowd to avoid a spontaneous GGD but not wanting to trip in my kitten heels, I half ran/walked through the foyer which gave me the appearance of a retarded rhinoceros thereby rendering me completely vulnerable to society's most judgmental group of adolescents. Surprisingly, this performance only earned me a smattering of finger pointings. Then just as I thought I had it made in the shade, as I did not slip or make a complete fool of myself, I turned to give the girls a lingering smile and GGD struck. My smile turned into a face contorting clench (the kind you make when you are trying to hold in gas) and I summoned three short but high pitched toots to signal my exit. Not only were they high pitched, they sounded like train blasts and I'm pretty sure the receptionist behind glass heard them too.

Luckily, I get to go back tomorrow and try to save face. Try being the key word.