Gassy Gurl...

My friend recently blogged about her fear of urinating in a public restroom and having conversations with her aged boss while urinating. She seems to have a disorder called "pee fright." Well, I myself suffer from a little thing called gassy gurl disorder. In gassy gurl disorder, one cannot help but repeatedly and consistently pass gas in public. With each offending toot, the stench gets ranker and ranker. I am not proud of this. For example, today I volunteered some of my time to a nearby high school. I was working on organizing grades for report cards which are due at the end of the week. After working solidly for half the morning, I realized that GGD (Gassy Gurl Disorder) was upon me. Fortunately, I had been working in a soft bottom chair which is GGD's best friend since it absorbs all noise and conveniently covers up the stench with its overpowering scent of some odorous disinfectant. Anyway, I thought I was safe as the chair was my ally this morning. Unfortunately, I left to get lunch which required me to walk through the foyer which at the lunch hour is populated by 10th grade girls. Wanting to rush through the crowd to avoid a spontaneous GGD but not wanting to trip in my kitten heels, I half ran/walked through the foyer which gave me the appearance of a retarded rhinoceros thereby rendering me completely vulnerable to society's most judgmental group of adolescents. Surprisingly, this performance only earned me a smattering of finger pointings. Then just as I thought I had it made in the shade, as I did not slip or make a complete fool of myself, I turned to give the girls a lingering smile and GGD struck. My smile turned into a face contorting clench (the kind you make when you are trying to hold in gas) and I summoned three short but high pitched toots to signal my exit. Not only were they high pitched, they sounded like train blasts and I'm pretty sure the receptionist behind glass heard them too.

Luckily, I get to go back tomorrow and try to save face. Try being the key word.

A Blog a Day Keeps the Mind...

What? Fresh. Inventive. I dont know. BUT, November is apparently National Blog Month which means that bloggers are required by blogger law to write a post a day. Part of me really wants to try and abide by blogger law. With internet now in mi casa (thanks crystal) I have the resources to do so. However, what the heck would I blog about every singe day? Somedays I barely have enough to write a paragraph...and sometimes a whole week passes by without even the remotest tidbit of interest. Whats a blogger to do? Well, I've decided that I will take on the challenge of November but only half of posts will be real and half will be left to my creative devices. Yes...I like the sound of this plan. So take it or leave it world.

I met Frederick Douglass this weekend...

We talked about how he was a mulatto and that I was Asian. We discussed how we never knew that cats and cartoon characters could be so slutty. We mutually agreed that there was a shocking lack of creativity filtering in and out of the apartment. We mused over jello shots and how America was not the melting pot it claimed to be. He told me he wrote a book as his alter ego, a graduate student teaching at the University of Chicago. We discussed how we were the only ethnic folks in the room until one of the Crazy 88s showed up with swords and everything. We joked around with the Crazy until he left in search of Black Mambo. Frederick then asked me why I didnt dress as Harriet Tubman. As he said this, Britney Spears walked by hand in hand with Victoria Beckham and Angelina Jolie. Angie was suprisingly without Brad and seemed to be carrying a Mexican baby, a black baby, and some mix of Indian/Caucasian. Suddenly David Beckham came ambling by holding up a very tipsy Peter Pan. As Peter tried to navigate the stairs, Ricky Bobby came by to yell, If you're not first, you're last. Then Buddy the Elf grabbed Peter and yelled, Why dont you just fly you fuckin fairy?

It was a very strange weekend.

How Fitting...

The word of the day is:

impecunious \im-pih-KYOO-nee-uhs\, adjective:
Not having money; habitually without money; poor.

Like I said, how fitting.

Hip and With It

My friend got me a subscription to this magazine for my birthday. The tagline reads: Signs of life in Music, Film & Culture. Now, they definitely have the music angle covered by including a free CD in each issue of the magazine highlighting some up and coming, popular indie rock groups. The kind of bands that would find themselves on the next O.C. mix or playing at Pitchfork Music Festival or any of those other music festivals that claim to have the greatest emo bands in one setting. I enjoy it though. Thats a brilliant angle...include a free CD of the bands you are interviewing and then some...great marketing move. However...I'm not a huge fan of the all the music...in fact, some of it downright disgusts me. How come the popular music, the next great bands always sound to me like they are screaming nonsensical lyrics to some choppy beat. Is that "emo" music? I dont get it. Bands like Beruit, The Weakerthans, Son Volt...I dont get you. You can argue that I dont have an appreciation for music and that might be true but does it even qualify as music? I understand I am way out of my league for writing about music...but then again writing about music is like dancing about architecture. Exactly. Sounds like a lyric from one of the aforementioned bands.

However, I do enjoy these folks so if you have a chance, you should check them out or feel free to come by...I'll give you the free CD.

Iron and Wine-Boy with a Coin
Big Bear- Nashville
Manu Chao-Mala Fama

Cover Letters

Do employers even read these? Do they really "make the difference?" I'm currently in the process of crafting a cover letter for a job that I am not entirely qualified for but I'm trying to sell them on the other positive things I have to offer while expressing my desire to learn and learn quickly. But honestly, when the shit hits the fan, do cover letters even make a hootenany difference. And yes, I just used the word hootenany.

Dream Jobs

In my current search for employment, I often think, oh it would be SO cool to have such and such as your job. Sometimes I wish I was independently wealthy so I could do all sorts of different but enjoyable labor and as soon as it became tedious, I could just switch to something else without having to update my resume. I have spent a good deal of time on craigslist which is awesome but yet not entirely reliable since a majority of the opportunities on craigslist are for employers who are too cheap to actually spend money on posting jobs. Or maybe they know they will find those diamonds in the rough, like me, who constantly peruse the sight and apply as soon as they see something remotely appealing. But back to my dream jobs...

1.) Casting director--this dream job was almost a reality until a "friend" got the job I'd been coveting for a month.

2.) Equipment manager for a new women's soccer team--now, I know what you are thinking, equipment manager and women's soccer...but seriously, equipment managers get to travel with the team, occasionally be on TV and are part of the team and yes, it is women's soccer but it would still be a professional sports. Like I said, these are my dream jobs, not yours.

3.) Food critic--let's see...get paid to eat and be judgmental. Where do I sign up?

4.) Entertainment marketing--doing publicity for a film studio or production company. Save the world from some of the drivel that Hollywood puts out these days.

Mission Accomplished

Upon reading Mags' post regarding the movie Breach and human lie detector skills, I thought that would be a fun way to share my wedding experience this weekend.
So, at this wedding I: (and note, only one of these is true)

a.) Did not trip at all..at all.
b.) Hooked up with a gorgeous guy but then realized he was not so pretty in the morning and when I say hook up, I mean by UD standards "hook up."
c.) Dropped a baby on accident and didnt tell the parents...it was hardly long fall and there was carpet.
d.)Spilled some strawberry sloe gin fizz on the bride's beatiful dress...not noticeable to anyone else but me and didnt tell her.

Fine. All are true. Or are they?

Wedding Bound...

Tonight I'm leaving for yet another wedding. This will be wedding #4 for the year and probably the last wedding for the 07 season. Am I excited? Yes, there will be a few faces there that I havent seen in a while. Super excited? No, I am not super excited because a.) I actually have to do something, meaning a reading, which requires me to walk down an aisle, stand up in front of people and read some Scripture and with my track record, there is a 95% chance that I'll slip or falll or trip and b.) I'm not sure how many stories I can listen to about the 100 things your baby can do now. Cynical and bitter? Definitely. Why can't you just say no to weddings? Thats a great question and as soon as I'm able to say no to weddings then I can say no to smoking and no to free food and no to cream in my cofffee and no to extra free dessert and no to car rides instead of public transportation and no to free internet and no to veggie cream cheeze on my everything bagel. But then again, why would I want to do that?

ABC (WB), NBC, CBS or Fox?

Yesterday, a few friends and I were mulling over cocktails discussing which network we liked the best. We boiled it down to 3 choices originally and I added the WB with ABC because face it, the WB is like ABC for adolescents. Same ridiculous plotlines, sub par acting, and gratuitous eye candy. I also added Fox because it was responsible for one of the singular most hilarious shows ever called Arrested Development.

NBC may take the cake with The Office, 30 Rock (which I hear is really well done), Scrubs, Law & Order, and Heroes. Fox is a close second to since they rule the world in the cartoon realm with Family Guy and Simpsons. CBS...who? I'm not sure I've watched a single show on CBS on purpose. Which brings us to ABC. Greys Anatomy, Ugly Betty, Dirty Sexy Money, Desperate Housewives. When did ABC become ABC sex network?

I'm going to go with NBC. But I do want to know what you think so please, enlighten me.

5 Things About Me that Are Lame...but I dont care

Every once in a while, I feel its important to call myself out on things. Its a purging of sorts...kind of like confession only I dont leave with grace and penance nor does it have the same significant effects on my soul. But I digress and share a few things about me that are totally lame but despite the possible stigma, I hold my head high. At least for a while.

1.) I own Seasons 1 and 2 of The O.C. You know, that whole Marissa-Ryan drama, will Seth and Summer get together, etc. It was gripping stuff with witty dialogue that no self respecting person would ever say in real life. The eye candy doesnt hurt either. It brings me back to what I call the "Paul Walker Syndrome." Greek god looks. Excruciatingly painful acting. Notice how I only own Seasons 1 and 2. Before it got really really shitty. One can argue that it was shitty from the beginning but I dont want to argue, I've already admitted these things are lame, but come on, you thought Seth was pretty funny too.

2.) If my checkbook is messy or there are cross outs, I will, literally, rip out the entire ledger and start over. Even if that means I have to re-enter figures and amounts from 3 months ago. Call it anal, call it ridiculous...either way, neatness counts.

3.) I cannot stand people who misspell things. I love to correct them. Its some sick thing I hold near and dear to my heart but I see misspelling as a major sign of weakness. And I cant stand it. It bothers me. A. whole. lot. So much so that I have to physically get up from the computer and walk away if someone sends me a document with spelling errors.

4.) I love the Thesaurus. All those delicious words floating around just waiting to be used. The 25 cent words that make you seem a bit smarter and more educated. Rather than dwell in the ordinary, the thesaurus allows you to become extraordinary or exceptional, rare, primo, uncommon, remarkable, even singular.

5.) I love liturgical music. All those songs that we sing in Mass, like, One Bread, One Body and Gather Us In, Eagles Wings, Here I Am...those kinds of songs. I love them. Sometimes when I'm supposed to be paying attention in Mass, I will flip to the song section of the missal and pick out my favorite ones and quietly hum them to myself. The song How Great Thou Art brings tears to my eyes. I'm crying now just thinking about it.

Yeah for babies!

I'm going to take a break from Colombia to share exciting news that my cousin is now expecting!!! I love it and I love their little family so I'm uber excited that there is going to be an addition. More babies are such a cute, good thing in this world. Truly great.

My mom left me a message today regarding this cousin's news and shared a conversation she had with my cousins' oldest daughter who is five.

Mom: Hi!! I hear you have big news in the family.

Adorable 5 yr. old cousin: We are having a baby!!!

Mom: I know! So exciting. Do you think its going to be a boy or a girl?

Adorable 5 yr. old: Well...I'm pretty sure its going to be one of those.

Catedral de Sal Zipaquirá

Location: Bogota, Colombia.

One of the very first sites I saw while in this fabulous city. This is famous salt mine in Bogota which was reputed to date back to 3 BC. The mines have been extensively worked over the centuries, but vast reserves of salt still remain. Deep inside the mountain there is an underground "Salt Cathedral" which has been dug out of solid salt and is absolutely breathtaking. Along the path to the Cathedral, miners had dug the stations of the cross to accompany you in your journey. Each of the stations has a large cross carved out of salt and the size of the cross pertains to the specific station. For example, when Jesus falls to the ground, the cross is short and stout depicting his fall.

And this was just day one.

How about that...

So, its been a week and a half since I "moved on" from my previous job and there is this nagging feeling in the back of my mind saying I need to find something fast, something quick, hurry hurry, time's a wastin, how are you going to make money, etc. But you know, sometimes I want to say, "Shut the heck up, little voice." I've only not been working for a week and a half and I did get a part time job helping out a former employer and I've taken some babysitting jobs so damn it, leave me alone.

I am also going through Colombia withdrawal. In Colombia, there is no rush rush. There is "hurry up and get a job" but rather, "relax, its a beautiful day and there is no government overthrow today." In Colombia, in my beautiful hacienda, I would kick off my shoes, play with the dogs, ride my horse in the mountains, drink chocolate and eat crossaints, and take several naps and possibly read my book or take a carriage ride through my extensive grounds. I would eagerly call to Maria to bring me some more limoncello or aguascailente. The funny thing is...all this happened and I was doing this about 3 days ago. No wonder I'm having Colombian withdrawals. The grass is always greener in Colombia.

I went to Colombia and all I got was this dog bite...

Seriously. A dog bit me. We were playing, of course, but he still bit me and I think they shot him. Seriously.

In other news, Colombia was amazing. I cant really blog about it yet because the events of the past week are still sinking in. I can only tell you that I was blow away by the generosity of the people, not to mention the beauty of the country. Yes, parts of Colombia are dangerous but the majority of the people are warm hearted, kind, and hilarious. They are a hard partying bunch too which explains why I'm exhausted. That being said, I'll get back to you tomorrow.

Colombia Bound

Sooo...tomorrow I leave for Colombia. Yes, Colombia the country. Its amazing to me how many people spell it wrong...they keep spelling Columbia like the city in Missouri but its really ColOmbia, the country. Geez.

I'm excited, nervous and wishing that I owned more cute shirts. But alas, I cant go out and buy more cute shirts although I did try today for 2 hours and then I got sick to my stomach because I couldnt believe how many people were at the freakin mall in the middle of the day on a Tuesday. So, I'm heading home to pack and figure out how to hide my numchukas in my bag because if any drug dealer tries ANYTHING, I'm going to whip out my numchkuas and pepper spray and display my skillz. pray for me.

Day 1 in Life of Unemployment

9:00: Wake up and turn off alarm
9:30ish: Wake up for real

10:30: Check email and facebook and blogs and the state departments travel warning about Colombia which happens to be the country to where I'm headed on Wed.

11:00: Watch an episode of Private Practice on abc.com (not too bad--although I dont think I'll bother to watch on primetime)

Noon: Bring lunch to Mom at school

1:30: Chat with Mom and look at all the cute school kids

2:00: Return home and watch the US vs. Norway Bronze medal match from last Sunday. Antagonize about the US's low finish and curse the reporters for perpetuating the Hope Solo scandal.

4:30: Check craigslist for possible career opportunities, think about job search...really think hard.

4:35ish: Check email and blogs again...start thinking about dinner.

Thats where I'm at so far.

Last Day in the Office?

Well, given the FUBAR work situation, this is potentially my last day in the office. I have many thoughts running through my head at this point but the biggest thought right now is how to get accustomed to a new way of living. That may seem a bit drastic but think about, for the last 7 or so months, I've been accustomed to a high quality of life...I've had a steady job, a steady paycheck, a schedule and a career (or so I thought.) Now, I'm faced with uncertainty, finding a source of income, possibly endless days of unproductivity and the arduous task of searching for a new career. Granted, days of unproductivity rest solely on my decision whether or not to attack the world with vigor and agressiveness, but still, there are bound to be at least one or 2 days of blah. I'm not defeated, per se because it is a bit of an exciting time in terms of finding a new job but part of me also wants to curl up in a ball and lick my wounds. No more shrugging off grocery shopping because I can always buy lunch, no more random trips to Payless to buy cute shoes, and most importantly, no more spur of the moment trips to visit friends because hey, I can afford it, I have a job. I'm going to have to hunker down to conserve my hard earned bucks considering I have car payments, loan payments and rent, not to mention those annoying little fees for every damn thing you can think of.

It should be an interesting time. I do appreciate everyone's comiseration and/or advice regarding my next move. Yes, I know networking will be a priority...yes, I know I have a lot of options...yes, I'm glad your friend of a friend's boyfriend's daughter has a butcher shop...you get the idea. But really, its Fridays like this while I'm finishing up projects and passing things on to my soon to be swamped co-workers that I get a little sad and think: Dear God, what have I done wrong?

Glad Handing Dictators

On a different note, what is the deal with Hollywood stars befriending ruthless dictators? I just read an article that said that Kevin Spacey recently had dinner and a 3 hour conversation with Hugo Chavez of Venezuela. Hugo effin Chavez, the dictator, Castro's protege, all around anti-American asshole. Yes, that Hugo Chavez. They had dinner??! It was probably a Hannibal Lector-type dinner where they were eating body parts of freedom fighting Venezualan citizens. Kevin Spacey, I'd check your poo for fingers and toes this evening. Mr. Spacey now joins Sean Penn on the include Chavez on the Christmas card list. This type of behavior is, as Jay Nordlinger points out, "a sickness in our culture — a sickness that causes our glitterati to bend the knee to the worst dictators and tyrants, as long as they’re left-wing...a grotesque and frustrating phenomena." Hear, hear.

The Art of Choking

So early this AM, the US Women's Soccer team lost to Brazil, 4-0. I was/am in shock. Granted the team played down a man the entire second half because the ref made a horrible call...while we are on the subject...what is the deal with the referees making shitty calls. It's like its in their job description, must make 3 shitty, totally unwarranted calls a year. As if to fulfill some sort of quota while the only real quota their filling is getting people pissed. I digress...anyway in wake of the controversial goalkeeper switch...which by the by...the benched goalkeeper is none to happy about in the event of the U.S.'s loss, totally jacked the team in a disheartening way. (view all clips on ESPN.com) They have played uninspired soccer throughout this entire tournament and I am so disappointed in them. Good luck trying to revitalize that women's professional league.

On another note, the mysterious author of the Women's World Cup blog wont publish my comments because they are a.) negative b.) i call the coach an idiot and c.) i disagree with everyone else posts of: "Good luck girlz, you are still the best in my book" or the "hold your heads high ladies, you are champions of the heart." Sick. Sometimes, you just fail and sometimes you are just not the better team and sometimes you just dont come prepared to play. There is some stupid cheer about wanting "it" more to win "it" and its clear the US did not have what IT takes. I think the blog and the team needs a kick in the pants and sometimes negativity will do that...I've already submitted about 4 comments that have not been posted and I'm thinking of submitting this final one: "Your reluctance to publish my previous posts brings me to this final conclusion. You cannot handle adversity just like the US Women's Team." Is that too harsh? Not harsh enough? Maybe I should get my girl Crystal on the case...

Yes, we did end up bowling

For those of you who wanted to know...yes, we did end up going out. We left 3 hours later but seeing as the event was 3 months late...what's 3 more hours? It was enjoyable though even though I bowled the worst game of my life. What can you do when you are surrounded by leather couches, girls with unnaturally short skirts (think strippers), and some kind of creepy, dark red lighting that gives off a vibe of hell and makes you feel like its perpetually night time? Of course you are going to be distracted. I hate those upscale bowling lounges--give me the hole in the wall, smoke while you bowl, pitchers of beer bowling lounge over cheap sex-fueled cosmopolitan hellish thrills any day. Yuck.

It's now 1:30pm and I'm still at work...

WTF? I'm starting to think this midday bowling trip is going to turn into an after work special or worse, a pipe dream. Damn the man...plus I'm starvacious. If it is going to be an after work special well then I'd just as soon go home, ya know?
Yes, yes, I complain a lot....so sue me.

HOWEVER...I may have the answer to both of my problems

My lovable lump of a roommate has walked the walk and talked the talk and we will soon be connected to the world wide interweb from the comfort and privacy of our own home. Now, I will not have to waste company dime by blogging during the day, I can waste away precious hours of sleep trying to satiate you dear readers who crave my words of wit. or not. I can also have the pleasure and advantage to "work" from home making my job search much easier and I wont even have to shower. Benefits all around.

I'll be sure to make our internet a secure connection...can't have those little bastard college kids who moved in behind us mooching off our hard earned broadband.

Wednesday is Fun Day

Today is the day of our summer outing. Now this is funny on two levels: 1.) its not summer anymore and 2.) this was supposed to happen months ago. Okay, I guess its not that funny. What began as a fun Friday family picnic day in August morphed into a Friday afternoon at Great America which fizzled into what is now a mid-week afternoon bowling trip. So, as happy as I am to be getting out of the office at midday, part of me grieves that I will still have 2 more full days of work before the weekend and that I wasted the company dime blogging all morning. No wonder my work sitch is FUBAR.

Dating in the Digital World: Getting Your Mac on Via Mac

The title of my next book chronically the lives of 2 lovestruck Mac adolescents who find love through their webcams and a series of inappropriate emails and emoticons. A pageturner indeed or should I say, "a scroll down for more" hit.

The art of switching your opinion-a democrats way of life

So, I dont mean to go all politico on your reading eyes but I wanted to address the war at some point this year. Now, I am not the #1 Bush supporter but I am well aware that I could do no better in his situation and I believe the leader of our country deserves our respect and support. Plus, I dont like to condemn someone unless I have a better plan or a viable alternative. This being said, those people who criticize Bush and criticize the war need to step back and take a look at the history behind our involvement in the so-called "Bush's War."

I have compiled a list of quotes from several high profile Democrats regarding Saddam and the presence of WMDs. These are the same Democrats leading the charge against Bush and his war in the present day.

1998:
"...are we taking some ambigious route which gives him (Saddam) more opportunities to develop this program of weapons of mass destruction..."
-Bill Clinton

"There are such as thing as international outlaws, I'm not sure China is one of them but I'm quite sure Iran and Iraq are."
-Howard Dean
2002:

"Saddam Hussein certainly has chemical and biological weapons, there's no question about that..."
-Nancy Pelosi

"We know he continues to attempt to gain access to additional capabilities, including nuclear capabilities..."
-Joe Biden

"Saddam Hussein in effect has snubbed his nose at the world community and I think the President is approaching this in the right fashion."
-Harry Reid

"Do you think we could have disarmament without regime change" -Interviewer
"I doubt it...I can support the President, I can support an action against Saddam Hussein because I think its in the long term interest of our national security."
-Hilary Clinton

2003:
"Serving on the intelligence committee and seeing day after day, week after week, briefings on Saddam's weapons of mass destruction and his plans on using those weapons, he may not be allowed to have those..it's just that simple."
-John Edwards

Now all these quotes may have been pulled and edited nicely to create a consumate GOP propaganda tool but hey, I'll take my chances and, as the Democrats have so eloquently exemplified, I can always change my mind.

To Keep with the common theme...

The Word of the Day was panacea. A remedy for all diseases, problems, or evils; a universal medicine; a cure-all.

How apropos seeing as I am in desperate need for the panacea of life. Whatever that may be. To some, its a mani/pedi or a trip to the Hair Cuttery. To some its ending their life. To some its simply taking some time to reflect or improve their relationship with the Higher Power. Some people I used to work with believed a panacea was achieved through vanilla incense and Native American drums.

Eh...to each his own.

In other news, Asiankp has reached an all-time low by, in a moment of weakness, signing up for Urban Dictionary's Word of the Day. For those of you urbanites out there, todays word is daggy, meaning to have no style. Do with it what you will. Insult those you see fitting the description.

Dear MAGS, its called a portmanteau...

A challenge has been laid at the feet of Asiankp. A certain blogger has called her out. Read her nonsense here. To this nonsense, I say again, its called a portmanteau.

My friends at Merriam-Webster define portmanteau as a word or morpheme whose form and meaning are derived from a blending of two or more distinct forms (as smog from smoke and fog). The word in question is verocious which is Asiankp's blending of two or more distinct forms (ferocious and vicious) to make a new word whose meaning is defined by the two distinct forms.

Some other portmanteaus: brunch (breakfast+ lunch), motel (motor+ hotel), chortle (chuckle+snort), bodacious (bold+ audacious), fugly (you know+ugly), dramedy (drama+comedy), fantabulous (fantastic+ fabulous), spork (spoon+ fork), Jazzercise (jazz+ exercise), liger (lion+ tiger), metrosexual (metropolitan + heterosexual), Spanglish (Spanish+ English), and of course, Brangelina (Brad+ Angelina).

Granted, my portmanteau is not widely accepted by the English speaking world nor has it found its way into everyday jargon, but give it time. Heck, Louis Carroll did it and Shakespeare made up words all the time. Get with the program.

Pretty Good Friday...

As far as Fridays go, this one would be one for the books. This morning I had enough car change to get a coffee and a blueberry bagel from Panera. My boss bought lunch. I wrote a damn good pitch that my boss only made a couple edits on as opposed to the usual editing process which involves him scratching out the entire thing and telling me to re-write it. My bosses left early and I'm now drinking beers in the office with my co-workers watching "10 Top World Cup Goals" on You Tube. I'm about to leave and go to Milwaukee to hang out with my cousins and watch some long anticipated soccer games that my dad taped on the DVR. On Sunday, I'll return to Chi-town to attend an MLS game with my beer league soccer team. Oh man...I live for Fridays, nay, I live for weekends. The only thing I'm missing is a little birthday bar hopping for a friend. A small price to pay for a fabulous weekend ahead...

I Do Not Like You Eric Zorn...

http://blogs.chicagotribune.com/news_columnists_ezorn/2007/09/clinic.html

Holy Heckfire...I missed the Emmys!

In all the years of Asiankp's life (24 now), she has never missed an awards show. Some people find these sort of things incredibly boring and trivial and a lot of rich people patting the backs of other rich people. Well, you are right on two counts. It is a bunch of wealthy, well dressed people patting eachother on the back and a little trivial but boring...never. Take this years Emmy's which I, regrettably, missed completely. Thank God for Google News who gave me 343 related articles on the Emmys. I missed the ever hilarious Stephen Colbert and John Stewart riff with special guest Steve Carrell, I missed the potty mouthed Katherine Heigl (say her last name wrong and her head will explode) and the numero uno regret, I missed the ridiculous rant of Sally Field. Sally Field. I didnt know the woman was still kicking let alone on a Emmy nominated show on ABC. I guess in Hollywood you can get 50th chances.

Sally Field's show, Brothers and Sisters, is about a dysfunctional family (surprise! so original!) and she plays the family matriarch. She won the Emmy for the best actress in a dramatic series and in her thank you speech, she goes on a diatribe about mothers. Aww...yes, mothers are the best and they deserve our highest praise and love. But, here's the kicker, at the end of her speech, Sally says, "Lets face it...if mothers ruled, ruled the world, there would be no god damn wars."

Hmm...lets pause to let that sink in. Many of the Hollywood cronies couldnt wait to jump out of their seats and give her a standing ovation. Now, I'm not sure about you, but I know my mother and yes she is sweet and loving but if something happened to me, she would turn into a verocious tiger doing everything she could to protect the one she loved. I feel you be hard pressed to find a mother who said that avoiding conflict is the key to good mothering. Such a statement is a slap in the face to the mothers whose sons have gone off to protect and fight for our country. In a Sally Field world, mothers would be submissive and succumb to immediate surrender. What kind of world would that leave us?? Would young girls be taught to cave in at the first sign of struggle? Would they throw their hands in the air at the first sign of adversity? Sally Field seems to think this would be best. And Hollywood seems to agree. Like sheep, they all follow, bleating incoherent statements about things they have not thought through.

A writer from the NRO put it best:

"On the playground of life, Sally Field is the mom who looks the other way when the brat on the elementary-school slide pushes your son to the ground or throws dirt in your daughter’s face.She’s the mom who holds her tongue at the mall when thugs spew profanities and make crude gestures in front of her brood. She’s the mom who tells her child never to point out when a teacher gets her facts wrong.She’s the mom who buys her teenager beer, condoms, and a hotel room on prom night, because she’d rather give in than assert her parental authority and do battle.She’s the mom whose minivan sports insipid bumper stickers preaching non-intervention at all costs: “Peace is patriotic.” “War is not the answer.” “It Will Be a Great Day When Our Schools Get All the Money They Need and the Air Force Has to Hold a Bake Sale to Buy a Bomber.”

I probably shouldnt even let this drivel get to me. After all these are the same people who gave Al Gore an Oscar.

Just Do It!

With the work day ending and my creative blog posting slowly slipping from my mind, I figured this would be a good time to just do it. There have been several big changes in the last week. For instance, I will soon find myself without the constant Internet access and the comfy chair from IKEA. Thats right. The job situation. FUBAR. I'm not upset or disgruntled or defeated. We had a good run and not even the best PR person in the world could handle a meltdown like Britney's. I'm sorry America. I did what I could. Britney is no longer the nubile, young co-ed who waltzed around on your TV sets singing innocent love songs while wearing a Catholic schoolgirl outfit. No, she is now a Toxic commodity and no longer Lucky. Oops, I did it again, I screwed up and now she's so Lonely and Not a girl, but Yet not a Woman. Oh, well, I'm a slave for you, America.

So that is that. Totally FUBAR'd in the jobby. Which brings me to my next point. Military Acronyms. I LOVE them. I'm totally fascinated by this other language and though, at times, it can be rough, I would love to just talk in acronyms all day. A few favorites include the obvious FUBAR, FIDO, FUNDY (channeling John Cleese here), and DILLIGAF. I recently found it quite entertaining to start saying the word constantly around my apartment and now my roommates have all picked it up and it has become part of our general, late night jargon.

Speaking of words, a friend of mine came up with a word for an internal fart. Genius. It inspired me to do the same. Frustration seems to be my mood of the month and a majority of this frustration is self-inflicted. I thought I wish there was a word that embodied the feeling of frustration brought upon yourself in such large doses that it causes you to feel sick. Thats when it hit me: Frustrabation.

Hmmm...maybe I should steer clear of the Army acronyms and Britney Spears lyrics for a while. They are giving me a dirty mind.

Gosh...

There are so many things I want to blog about and so little time...at work. I may have to sneak away at lunch under the guise of "mailing a letter."

Another reason to have a big family...

Well, there are a number of reasons to have a large family. I simply add another...you can form a band and deliver a truly entertaining and amazing performance.

But seriously, I have been around large families all my life. I do not have a large family, it was not in His plan, but I love hanging out with them. I babysit for them. I have a hard time babysitting for a family with less than three. I can't believe there are people in this world who dont like large families. Maybe I'm just naive.

You Can Thank Me Later...

Check out this site. It should be illegal, probably is...but I really enjoy it.

I should probably add, in case you are confused, you can watch movies here for free...movies just released and old movies as well.

USA 2 Sweden 0

Because I know that you are dying to know...the US women's soccer team won early this morning beating Sweden 2 to nil. Its good because they are now sitting pretty to advance to the quarterfinals depending on how North Korea fares. If they end up on top of the Group, they won't have to face Germany right away. Now, I didnt watch the game but I heard that the team has been struggling and not playing well. They seemed so confident in their send-off series matches...what will it take for them to replicate the confidence they so ably showed on their home turf in China? Maybe a thrashing. Maybe a nice pep talk. Maybe this guy. Either way, I hope they didnt unveil those flashy gold uniforms for no reason. Although, I thought that was pretty snooty, even if they are the "best team we've never heard of."

Entourage

No, I dont watch the show. One of my friends loves it and reminds me everytime I see him to "watch tha show...its off the hizzle...its so freakin guuud man, you dont even know." I see he's picked up the lingo of the show as well. I decided to read up on the show so I turned to Wikipedia because as Michael Scott put it, "Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information."

Wikipedia did not disappoint...they included full plot and character descriptions of everyone including the people that make up Vince's "entourage." It got me thinking...who would I want in my entourage? I came up with a list of 5 fo sho's.

1.) B-whizzle: roommate, confidante and friend to keep you grounded.
2.) C-Dubs: philosophical advisor and speechwriter, aka. publicist, also keep you grounded
3.) Girl from Supercuts: I probably would need a hair stylist and she would be cheap and fast.
4.) Secret Agent Man: I need an agent and if he was secret...no one else would be able to take him from me.
5.) JC-the Big Man. Who wouldnt want him in an entourage? That way you can say things like, "I roll with JC. No one can touch me."

Who would you choose?

If I played on the US WNT soccer team and we were playing North Korea...

I would get a ginormous South Korean flag tattooed on my butt and when I scored the winning goal to beat them 3-2...I would turn and face them and show them that democracy is truly the sunny side up. Does that make any sense? Probably not but it sounds good in my head. I would just want to throw something in their faces for all the grief they have caused the motherland.

14% Chance...

It was a slow day at work so I decided to peruse a website that was recently brought to my attention...I proceeded to have some fun with it. The results are as follows:

My preppy name is Marsden Larkin Oakleigh V aka. Missy
My love life is like the movie Casablanca (hmm...)
If I were crayon, I would be the red crayon.
My Summer Anthem is "Holiday" by Green Day
If I were an X-men, I would be Storm.
My Biblical name is Bethesda Lemuela (I should also note that underneath this name was the phrase-"you will not live to see the end of time")
My punk band name would be the Relaxed Banana Hammocks
My Star Wars name is Katpr Gesco and my Title is the Royras of Nhoj
My Irish name is Avril Doyle
My All-American name is Amy Ann Young (which is funny because my middle name just happens to be Young for reals.)
My Hippie Chick name is Starlight
My Drag Queen name is Mamma Mammeries (ugh)
My Celebrity Baby Name is Leelee Takoma

And last but not least my favorite-"How Sinful Are You":
Sloth: 40%
Envy: 20%
Gluttony: 20%
Pride: 20%
No Greed or Lust or Wrath
There is a 14% chance I'll go to hell.

Awesome.

A Conversation

I'm in DC right now and I run out with my friend to get a pack of smokes.
The conversation I had with Felix, the clerk at the CVS is as follows:

Me: Hi, a pack of camel lights and this pack of gum.

Felix: Hmm....you got ID?

Me: Yep, right here.

Felix: (takes ID and turn it sideways and then back to see if its fake, he then turns it over again and holds it up to the light) Hmm...I'm having some trouble.

Me: Can I help you with something?

Felix: I just...I just dont see a date. I cant sell to you if there is no date.

Me: Well, there is date listed under birthdate.

Felix: I dont see any birthdate on this thing.

Me: (take the ID and point to the first thing below my name): See, right here...B-I-R-T-H-D-A-T-E...birthdate.
(at this point, you might be thinking, wow asiankp is such a little biotch and i was being one but honestly...)

Felix: Oh. Ohhhh.....wow. Wow.

Me: I'm sorry, is there something wrong?

Felix: Oh no...its just you look way younger than that. (there was a bit of an overexaggerated way younger in that statement)

Me: Well, its me. 24. Thanks.

Felix: Yeah. Sure. Okay. Bye.

Please, please please dont tell me that I look younger than 16...because apparently Felix thinks so.

the far east

So, i'm on a vaca. no, not a cow. a vacation. its AWESOME. DC...particularly the Chevy Chase area has some wonderful scenery...although to be honest those circles kind of freak me out. it looks like a major accident just waiting to happen. anyway, its been a phenomenal 3 days so far...chillaxin with old friends and eating some good food. Did I ever tell you about my friends baby...well let me tell you she is the cutest little fatty fat in the world. And, she loves me. Well, I dont know if its love or the fact that i give her food whenever i see her but still...food, love, its all the same thing. i dont want to work again ever. E.V.E.R.

Born Again

Today I was born...24 years ago. Its pretty crazy...I'm almost half a century old. Ick. In 7th grade, we were told to write a paper as if we were 25 and reuniting with old classmates for the anniversary of the Queen Mary sailing trip. It’s funny (maybe sad) but almost everything I wrote in that paper is the exact opposite of my life right now. For example, in my paper, “future” Katie attended the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill and played soccer for their Division I team. She won 3 National Championships. She then got married to an actor and they had 3 children named Leonardo, Franklin and Lucy. She currently lives in North Carolina where she is a successful casting director for Steven Spielberg. She also is the founder of the annual NC Sand Soccer tournament that draws an average of 12,000 people every year. She is happy and she is currently pregnant and hopes she doesn’t have her baby on the boat.

Hm. Well, I did play soccer but for a Division III team but never won a National Championship. I did however manage to eke out a USCAA Championship that involves 6 other independent schools. I am not married and I have no children…to my knowledge. All I know of Steven Spielberg is what I read on imdb.com.
I do live in Chicago (great city) and work in PR (great area). Currently, work is stressing me out more than ever and I never thought I would be that person who stresses about their job. I am happy…but that word now annoys me more than anything. Is anyone really truly happy? You can be happy with this and that in your life but as a permanent state of being…I am nowhere close to that. There are things that make me happy everyday and I will share 24 of those things in honor of my 24 years of living. (not in order of importance)

1.) Amazing apartment
2.) Best roommates a girl could ask for
3.) True and loyal friends
4.) My health
5.) My family
6.) Water
7.) Cheezits
8) Muenster cheese
9.) Bacon
10.) Sharpie markers
11.) Sour Patch Kids
12.) Arrested Development
13.) Netflix
14.) World Cup Soccer
15.) Chinese food
16.) Constant internet access
17.) Sarcasm
18.) Eating really good steak
19.) Cranberry and vodka
20.) SUMMER SHANDY
21.) Sweet potato fries
22.) My casting alerts
23.) My sanity
24.) A future

Patience is a virtue....I do not possess.

It appears now that not one but TWO of my esteemed family members have joined the blogging world. I am so very titillated that I can hardly contain myself. That brings the grand total of blogs I read to number 9. 9 you say..yes, 9! I cant help it. Everytime I come across a new blog, I immediately tag it and mark it in my favorites section. I then proceed to check the blog 2 or 3x a day. Somedays I'll check them more than that...I'll read the other comments and then click on those blogs to get linked to other blogs so I can then mark and favorite those and pretty soon, my entire day hinges on whether or not Toocrazytoeatorsleep has updated their blog. I'll be the first to admit that I've gone overboard. I have a major case of blogitis. Blog. itis. It's a very crippling and debilitating disease that can affect your home life and your work environment. It amazes me how desperately I crave for people to update their blogs or post new pictures or whatnot. Some of these people I dont even know. But I have fallen in love with their wit and writing that I feel as though they are some of my closest friends.

I may have a serious problem.

Wish List

In anticipation of my birthing anniversary, I have compiled the following wish list of things I would like to do/have:

1.) Go to China in September for the Women's World Cup
2.) Shooting range with real guns
3.) Swimming in a giant vat of peach salsa
4.) My very own Police Trainer arcade game
5.) A soft pretzel cart with the good cheese
6.) A lifetime supply of Breyer's All Natural Fruit Bars
7.) Not work
8.) Write the next great american novel
9) Dance Party in the rain

If you think you can make any of those happen...contact me immediately.

Me in Another Life

Worlds Worst Job?

So, in regards to my accident, see below, I spoke to the insurance claims adjustor from the other driver's comany this afternoon. She was a little short with me and rightly so because her company is going to have to pay some massive moola for the repairs to my car. She recorded my "account" of the accident and all that so hopefully this issue will be resolved soon. It got me thinking...could this be the world's worst job? An insurance claims adjustor...dealing with unruly people and egos and a lot of "he said, she said" bullshit. Kinda of like divorce attorneys. I dont know that for a fact but I imagine that is the penultimate of "he said, she said" bullshit.
I certainly did not find her warm and fuzzy which is sign she is probably really good at her job.

It was an accident...

Bull honkey. This morning was a perfectly good morning. There was fresh coffee. We had tons of half and half. I had a granola bar and had gotten a decent nights sleep. I've been having a series of weird dreams lately and last night was no exception. I dreamt that my roommate was Jennifer Aniston BUT the weird thing was my roommate, lets call her Bcaec, was still Bcaec but Jennifer Aniston. Anyway, "Jennifer" kept yelling at me to get up because she wanted to use the bathroom even though she was already showered but she just kept yelling at me saying something about being late for the photo shoot and how she has suffered living with me....yada, yada, yada. Anyway, I finally yelled at her and got up. Then I woke up. Bcaec was showered and dressed but she wasnt yelling at me just simply eating cereal. Weird.
Then, I'm on my way to work and some girl rear ends me. Yep. As in car accident and now I have to deal with insurance, collision, agents, estimates, money and all that other annoying stuff that comes with getting in an accident. I take some comfort in the fact that I am completely blameless but knowing my track record with car accidents, the girl will probably spin this into something ri-cock-ulous like I was the one who rammed my own bumper. Yeah. Makes no sense to me either. Plus, my neck hurts. I cannot wait for this day to be OVER.

!, @, #, $, %, ^, &, *

Oh, don't mind me...I'm just listing off the names of my future children. Little ^ will be such a cutie.

And elsewhere...

I read on Friday that a Chinese couple is attempting to name their new baby, "@". At first, I thought this was some sort of joke. Because, seriously, who names their baby "@". When you say it, "At", it may not be that bad...but then keep thinking about it...soon enough the weirdness of the name will hit you. At. @. At. @. My little @. Baby At. At. @

As GOB would say, "COME ON."

Inbox (8)

This is what I saw when I opened my Outlook this morning. 8 unread messages. 8!!!! So exciting, I thought, wow, something great must have happened. Either another person got engaged, so and so had a baby, so and so is pregnant again, etc. etc.
However, when I opened it...it was 1 junk mail and then 7 Words of the Day that, for some reason, hadnt been sent during the week.

I share them with you now: temporize, masticate, plenitpoteniary, agitprop, celerity, sapid and tattoo. Hmm...it must have been a long week for the folks at Dr. Dictionary.

Who is Kia Vaughn?

Well, you dont know now...but you will soon.

Kia is a member of the Rutgers women's basketball team and a model student and athlete. In the wake of Don Imus' comments, the team has remained fairly level headed and handled this unfortunate situation with dignity and grace...until now. Yesterday, Ms. Vaughn decided to sue Mr. Imus for his comments. She accuses him of libel and slander and causing personal emotional distress.
I dont know about you but it sounds like someone found out they couldnt make a living in the WNBA or perhaps realized they just arent that good. What do you do? I know, sue that one guy who made some racist remarks for tons of money and get your name in the papers.

Sounds fishy to me...read a great op-ed about it here.

Retractions from below

Several corrections to my below post:

-Eustace does not appear until The Voyage of the Dawn Treader...I guess I will have to wait until 2009.
-Balls of Fire-on second thought, I'll not go see that movie...tis a silly movie.
-I am 100% sure that I like all of Cate Blanchett's movies.

But For Reals...

I have read some blogs lately that include a lot of lists...now I always been a huge fan of lists. I feel like its a really nice way to compile a lot of info in a ordered manner. that being said, I'd like to make a list of all the upcoming fall movies that I'm pretty jazzed about seeing:

1.) The Darjeeling Limited-the new Wes Anderson movie. He never disappoints.

2.) August Rush-a fluff movie about an adopted boy trying to find his parents (what can I say...it hits home)

3.) The Curious Case of Benjamin Button-based on the short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald and starring Brad Pitt. It doesnt get any better than that.

4.) American Gangster-2 names. Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe.

5.)Balls of Fury-Christopher Walken as a ping pong ace. Now this i want to see just for a good laugh.

And...looking ahead:

1.) Beowulf-oh come on UD grads...you know you are interested in this one...at the very least, you will all go see it to criticize it and point out its inconsistencies.

2.) National Treasure: Book of Secrets-the sequel to that original adventure romp. probably fluff but really fun fluff.

3.) Prince Caspian-I so enjoyed the first adaptation and am eager to see Eustace again.

4.) Indiana Jones IV-its a classic. plus Cate Blanchett is going to be in it and i am 99.9% sure that she never makes a bad movie.

5.) The Dark Knight-I have loved Christian Bale since Newsies. Plus, it was filmed in Chicago. Represent.

Thoughts

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. thats whats going on in my head now.

arent you glad I shared...

Something to Look Forward To...

ON AUGUST 17th: SPECIAL GUEST-MAGS from thereisnorightanswer.blogspot.com

Dont miss it. Here is a recent picture of Mags:

Thats right...she's that smart.

The Muddy Buddy

Over the weekend, I did this race with my friend. The. Muddy. Buddy. It was, without a doubt, the coolest race ever. A little bit of biking, a little bit of running, a little bit of mud crawling. It made me wish I never smoked. But of course, after finishing the race, what did I do? Grabbed my cigarettes and smoked a victory butt.

Guest Bloggers

Well, I had this brilliant idea...guest bloggers. I was trying to format my blog and make it look all fancy and professional and fun and I found a section that invites other to write on your blog. So, I thought why not have fun guest bloggers. Then I thought, only 4 or 5 people read my blog. But then I thought, well its a good thing those 4 or 5 people are freakin hilarious. So, if you want to guest blog...let me know.

This could be the beginning of a beautiful blogship.

potbellies

Potbellys sandwhiches
not the pigs
george clooney's pet
he is a cutie
george-not the pig

a wreck puts me at a wreck
delicious juicy
stop spending money on lunch
sit on a tuffet
curds and whey.
hey, hey.

Something New

I clicked on a link that led me to a certain infamous actress who has a blog. The tone of her posts are somewhat poetic but in style only. Each of her posts is meant to resemble something similar to a haiku, but without any of the proper parameters. I thought I might try my hand at it:

2 day ate lunch
at panera
sandwiches so good

think about tomorrow
what 2 do with 2 much work
status call at 7am
crazy bickering clients

i want some coffee now
cream and sugar
how do u take yours.

Endless Un-Productive Fun

Here is an awesome game that is guaranteed to entertain for hours, or at least several minutes. It's called "Name that Movie" game. Basically, they show a still image of a movie but with the characters face and body parts removed and you have to guess which movie it is...sounds easy but its not.

So here's the link:
http://www.arizonahikers.com/board/printview.php?t=1640&start=0

It will take you to the page where you can download the excel file - click on "guess the movie" (underlined, near the top) you can then download and play.

If anyone can figure out numbers: 2, 3, 6, 12, 14, 17, 19, 20, 22, 23, 26, 29, 37, 39, 41, 43, 45, 46, 48, 50, 52, 53, 55, 56, 59, 64, 65, 69, and 70, well then, I'll buy you dinner.

Enjoy.

This Week's Sign of Crazy

Oh, that Cindy...here you are getting arrested and you look happier than a pig in shit.

Are you Up to the Challenge?

Just try and test your working memory vs. mine. I got up to 7.5.

Check it out here...take the challenge.

Not sure what working memory is? Well, check here: www.aboutworkingmemory.org

My Leitmotif

I'm thinking I should change the title of this blog to "words, words, words." My penchant for reading through the dictionary and constantly checking the Words of the Day website is seriously becoming detrimental to my work day.

But there are perks such as stringing together the following sentence:

Surprisingly, the avatar's trenchant criticism elicited comfortable confabulations.

Now, I may be using these words in their wholly improper manner but I dont care because its my agon and my leitmotif.

A Clarification

On the below post: That photo is a publicity photo of Tom Cruise's upcoming movie, "Valkryie" where he plays an SS Nazi officer trying to assasinate Hitler. A scientologist nazi. It was funny at the time.

Apocalypse Now!

In Sport's Illustrated, they have this great column called "This Weeks Sign of Apocalypse." I like that. So I have included this image as "This Weeks Sign of Idiots Roaming the Earth."

A Perpetual State of Nonage

Today's word of the day was too good to pass up. See below.

nonage \NON-ij; NOH-nij\, noun:
1. The time of life before a person becomes legally of age.
2. A period of youth or immaturity

This got me thinking. What does one call a period of senescence and maturity? So basically, we are all nonages until we reach a point of maturity...graduation, college, marriage, etc. and then we are an age-age and promptly given a number? Hmm...I could accept that. I have quite a few friends still living in nonage...and loving it. Whoever said 30 was the new 20 is clearly not embracing their nonage. People need to learn to stop hatin' and start participatin'.

I hereby institute the Revolution of Nonage 07. We will have a large global concert, Live Earth-style, and Aerosmith will reunite to sing our theme song, "Living on the Nonage" and we will all throw caution to the wind. I can hear it now:

Tell me what you think about your sit-u-a-tion
Complication - aggravation is getting to you
We're living in the nonage
You can't help yourself from agin'
Livin' in the nonage
You can't help yourself at all
Livin' in the nonage
You can't stop yourself from agin'
Livin' in the nonage

And then Al Gore will come on stage, via satellite, and say, "I invented the nonage," then Bon Jovi will hop onstage with random ass performers like John Mayer, Fergie, and Celine Dion.
Bon Jovi will start with a raging:

Hold on, we're halfway there
Hold on, livin' on a prayer
Take my hand
We'll nonage I swear
Hold on, living on praaaaayer.

Then Fergie will chime in:

I'm Nonag-ilicious(so delicious)
My body stay vicious
I be up in the gym just working on my fitness
Al's my witness (oooh wee)

Stage goes dark and John Mayer takes the stage standing in a sweaty locker room with guitar. His soothing voice says, "I'm super hip and intelligent. I stand for greater causes. Oh yeah, I'm really deep, you can tell by my lyrics."

He continues:

So we keep waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to age
We keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to age.

Then Celine Dion jumps on stage. She joins hands with all the performers including Al Gore who has now changed into a velour jump suit with the words "ageless" across the butt.

She pounds her chest as the entire stage sings:

Every night in my dreams,
I see me, I feel me
Age can touch us one time, nonage lasts a lifetime
Our age will go on and on.....

Oh. If only. Asiankp can dream, right?

Got Bibelot?

Today's word of the day is bibelot. See below.

bibelot \BEE-buh-loh\, noun:
A small decorative object without practical utility; a trinket.

Now, my headline inaccurately uses the word bibelot because there is no rhyme there but I like to eschew those kinds of limitations in order to make punny funs. Thats right.

Anyway, this is a really really fun word. All words are fun but this one just kinda gets my goiter. If you can smell what I'm planting or sniff what I'm cooking or catch what I'm throwing...then you'll really know what fun words are. Phrases. Phrases are fun too. A friend of mine has a penchant for peculiar phrases such as "slower than a herd of turtles in a sea of peanut butter" or "your old ladies' cat" or "Buster you old horny slut."

I hate today by the by, vis a vis, I hate work today. No one explains things or explains their actions and it annoys the heckfire out of me. If you arent going to give me things because I'm not doing a good job, say, "Asiankp we are not giving you this because you did a poor job last time and we dont think you are up to par." I will take it personally but then fix it....dont hide it under a bushel. what is that? best practices...whatever.

Oh and BS, Got Bibelot?

A Simple Fact

In this line of work, my work, I spend a good amount of time on the telephone. I call reporters and tell them why they should write a story about my client because so-and-so has the coolest new whatever that will revolutionize the world. No, I do not do PR for the Republican Party...haha.

ANYWAY...the thing is reporters get sick of me. They dont like me or anyone else in my profession for that matter. But here's the thing--dont ignore my phone calls or I'll keep calling, just pick it up, tell me to stop bothering you and then I wont call again...for at least a couple weeks. Ignoring a pimple and pretending its not there is way worse than just popping that shiz.

I cant believe I'm comparing myself to a pimple.

Live Earth makes me throw up in my mouth

A hilarious commentary on Al Gore's Live Earth concert series. Puhh-lease. I think my favorite part is Al Gore's cliche comment about the musicians not only taking the stage, but taking a stand. Yes, those musicians are are modern day saints. They are the paradigm of morals, virtue, and charity. I, for one, hope my children grow up to be the Pete Wentz's, Limp Bizkit's, Madonna's of the world.

Planning...WTF?

So, today is 7/7/07. BFD. Although the date represents good luck, good karma, togetherness and all that other new age spiritualistic stuff, the date for me represents another failed planning session on Asiankp's part.
5 months ago, I realized that it was going to be 7/7/7. I made a promise that very day to have a larger than life party on 7/7/7 that started at 7 and lasted until 7 and we would drink only 7 and 7s. It seemed like a great idea at the time. I was this close to sending out an evite for the damn party that was only 5 months away.
But, weeks went by and 5 months turned to 2 months and then 2 weeks and then tomorrow. So here I sit in my favorite coffee shop blogging about the great party that never was. A failed planner I am. My roommate, the best planner of them all, recently moved to NY to save the world. I am languishing without her. So, as I gratefully accept the title of world's worst planner, I will sit here drinking my iced chai latte and eating my everything bagel with veggie cream cheese and dream about the greatest party in the word that I never planned.

Fridays Off

So yesterday, I took Friday off. It was amazing. A friend was in town and we went to another friend's house who lives on the southside and sat by her pool ALL. DAY. LONG. It was glorious. It made me think back to when I was a kid during summertime and you could do whatever it was you wanted. Sometimes my parents had these ridiculous things called chores or a schedule for the summer but there was always downtime to do what we wanted.
Besides swimming in neighbors pools, I enjoyed a bike ride to the local pharmacy to buy candy cigarettes and sit on the curb and "smoke" them and look really, really, really cool. Now, I smoke real cigarettes although i dont know if i've managed to get the cool part right.

I hate the sound of my own voice

Today at work, I had to transcribe an audio interview and I caught myself speaking on tape. The worst part is my first reaction was, "Who the hell is that man? I didn't know there was another guy on the tape?" My next reaction was, "What is that weird screeching?" My final reaction was, "I am officially depressed. I sound like a screeching man."

You Call that Poetry...

As a conscientious blogger, I am constantly trying to hone my craft or develop a voice or make my blog worth reading. I make a point to peruse other blogs in the hopes of developing a criteria upon which to base or rate my own. This research is rather hard to do because the only internet connection I have is at work and since at work, I get paid to do work, blog research is not high on my list of priorities. But my dedication to the blogging world trumps all...even money and so I squirrel away some precious moments of the day to read other blogs. I read them all. The good, the bad, the ugly and the fugly. My favorites are the ones in narrative form, the ones that capture the everyday humor and joy of being alive. The uglies are the ones who wax philosophical on Bush and the government. One blogger has even gone far enough to give our President the title, "Bushtard." It appears that someone has not gotten over 2nd grade. I mean, come on, bushtard….that’s not even clever. But aside from these playground insults, the fuglys are the ones where "educated" people talk about how Michael Moore documentaries are mini-history lessons on our government. Michael Moore is a successful filmmaker, I’ll give him that and he certainly knows how to make the system work in his favor. But the fugliest of the fuglies are the bloggers who include their “poetry.” Examples:

Salt pepper salt pepper salt pepper
Salt pepper salt pepper salt pepper
Pepper salt salt pepper pepper salt
Salt salt salt salt salt salt salt salt
Pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper.
Salt pepper salt pepper salt pepper.

No joke. Granted, they did not use this combo of spices but you get the idea. Another example:

The butter was dripping down the chin
Like Niagra Falls
I wanted to lap it up
But alas, I am no corn on the cob
Eager to soak my outside skin in dairy
Unable to enjoy the taste.

They get worse.

Eating is
Murder

On hot days,
Swimming =fun and cool.

Wow. Poetic. FUGLY.

I can’t believe I’m making fun of people for using bushtard when I use the word fugly. Oh well. I guess anything goes in the blogging world.

My Recent Addiction

Before you judge me, check out my recent addiction and then you'll thank me.

Wedding Number 483579

Wedding season has begun and asiankp has already attended three as of today. Three down, 2 to go. Its not that asiankp doesnt enjoy weddings, its that weddings in itself are such a special occasion that if you have too much of it; it can, in time, decrease the importance of the event itself. It's like sugar. You love sugar and it tastes good but if you ate sugar every Saturday for a month, you would get sick of it. Your mouth would ache and your tastebuds would sue you. You would hate sugar for a good 2 months after that. So it is with weddings, one too many can make you forget about the importance of the day and the sacrament and all the other odds and ends that go into making a marriage such a rare and happy occasion in this day and age. Now, asiankp does consider it a true honor to be invited to a wedding, she loves cake and wine and buffet dinners. I just wish sometimes I had 3 or 4 months to recover from the last one. Like I said earlier, cranberry and vodka equals a crazy delicious hangover.

How Rude!

Wouldnt it be interesting if people wore rude monitors on their chests? No, hear me out. It would be like a badge that you wore on your chest and there were numbers or bars or some sort of tally of how many times you were rude to someone. Basically, it would be a super, ultra advanced computer chip that was inserted into your body. Every time a rude word or action escaped from your mouth or was performed by your body language, a loud siren would go off with some obnoxious voice saying, "You are being rude. You are being rude. Your rude level is now up to 100RAs/hour." RAs meaning rude actions. That would really stick it to people. Can you imagine if there was some sort of thing that categorized our actions like that...wow...I'm not a fan of Communism but how crazy would it be if the state required us all to wear these rude monitors in order to calculate how rude the American people are. I can see the studies now...Chicago ranks highest in the Rude People of America category with NY and LA a close second. Or maybe you could get all ethnic about saying, 25% of the rudest people are African-American while 50% of the rudest people come from Asian descent. You get the idea. And, to top that off, maybe some state or city can win "Nicest Citizens Award" and get a big check from the government to buy more rude monitors in order to beef up their tally of nice people and...I could go on and on...but of course, my monitor is at this moment, saying, "You are being rude. You are being rude. People do not want to read your mindless drivel about being rude." Then your monitor chimes in "You are being rude. You are being rude. You are not reading Asiankp's mindless drivel." Maybe what I envision as a positive change for the American people is merely a nusiance and a Socialist agenda. All I can say is, I'd like my rude awareness voice to sound like Janis Joplin.

NOT GO-

Part two of Asia trip saga.

So it turns out there are too many people going. I can't say I blame them. Who wouldnt want to visit the motherland? The CEO of the company looked at the roster...freaked out and made cuts. Its too bad they already bought my plane ticket...who knows, maybe I'll decide to take a little mental heatlh break this weekend and OMG, here is a plane ticket to Singapore sitting on my dresser. It's not a question of ethics. You see the ticket. It's paid for. You go. That would certainly make things interesting. The question is whether I would lay low, soaking up the darkest, dirtiest crevices of Singapore or waltz my way into the Hilton Singapore and demand to be put in the fantasy suite on behalf of my client. That might be a question of ethics.

To Go or Not to Go

I am supposed to go on a business trip to Asia. I have been prepping, planning, plotting, and all the other p words you can think of. Today, my boss emails and tells me I dont have to go. Now, I did not even know this was an optional trip. "Don't have to go" implies a choice. From those 4 words, I now have the option to choose whether or not to take a trip. Let's see...Asia for the week or another lackluster week of work in the old Chi-town. Asia and a 17 hour plane ride looks pretty good. However, my boss's meaning in the email is questionable. I may........

Business Wardrobe

Note to self: Even though you have the luxury of having a profession that allows you to wear whatever you want, it's always a good idea to have a few business suits in the back of your closet...just in case you have to go to Asia for a tradeshow on Saturday and you have absolutely no time to go shopping or get a business suit tailored before Saturday and you feel like your head is going to explode because you dont want to think about jetlag and you are absolutely swamped at work with pre-briefing documents and you've gained about 10 pounds in the last two weeks so your previous semi-professional wardrobe wont even fit anymore.

Just a simple note to self.

Your Blog is Boring

"Your blog is boring." Someone told me that the other day. This shocked me for two reasons: 1.) That someone is actually reading this blog and 2.) I thought the point of the blog was the content not the design so the statement stumped me on two levels: a) I'm a boring writer or b.) the layout and design of my blog is so utterly boring that even if the writing was good, the layout far overshadows any amount of credible writing that I've done.
So, I decided I should spice up the content. Maybe add some pictures...give 'em the old razzle dazzle. Unfortunately, I do not know how to add pictures nor do I know how to give 'em the old razzle dazzle. If anyone has leads on either of these things, please please pass them on...I'd prefer to know about the razzle dazzle before the pictures.

In order to spice up the content of the blog, if I am indeed the "boring writer," I thought I'd throw in these juicy words.

Sex. Drugs. Rock n' Roll.

Whose boring now?

Calling Operator...

I'm been on hold and my approximate wait time is 10 minutes. 10 minutes...now I have two options. 1.) Wait 10 minutes like a normal person. 2.) Hang up and call back in about 5 minutes, hoping that the wait time is suddenly shorter. 3.) Bitch and moan about waiting. Since I said there were only 2 options, I guess waiting 10 minutes like a normal person is totally out of the question. It's probably best to go with #2 although that involves a bit of naivete on my part and since #3 puts me on the world's worst customer list, I'd say a combination of #2 and #3 would probably work best. The problem is, how do I avoid #3 from taking over my life completely?

We are always waiting for something...at least I am and I'm getting kinda tired of anticipation. I mean, sometimes there is an element of fun in surprise and anticipation but lets be honest, most people want the info and they want it now. They want the boyfriend, marriage, kids and they want it now. We live in a selfish society and I argue that this is addled by customer service representatives telling you that they are "experiencing a high level volume of call" and that "we will be with you shortly." That is such a lie. They will not be with you any faster than you will get married and have babies if you use birth control or do not date at all. Makes sense? It doesnt even make sense to me, this drivel that I'm writing...you know why...because I was just asked to wait for 10 effin minutes. Somebody save Asiankp from herself.

Water, Water, everywhere

It has been raining so much lately. I kinda like it. Not only because it reminds me of Gene Kelly and Don Knotts, but because rain is cleansing. It wipes away blemishes and saves you a trip to the car wash to get rid of the bird shit on your car. Rain is useful for starving plants and countries driven dry by drought. But the best thing about rain is the smell. think i'm crazy...well, next time it rains, probably in a couple hours, get your olfactory nerves in gear, grab your umbrella, do your best Gene kelly impression and smell the damn rain.

2:03am

I just finished the last of 20+ emails to China. That would explain why I am up at this late hour. The better question is why in the heck am I still awake blogging about being awake. Because Asiankp is insane. Or perhaps she gets a wild rush communicating with the motherland. Yes, it is truly the former. I do recieve quite a rush communicating with my Asian brethren and I cannot wait to step foot in the land of my ancestors. Asiankp is coming home. Get the fried rice ready...

DENNIS TAR, HIGH SCHOOL TENNIS STAR!

GO. SEE. IT. NOW. and check out this wicked awesome review.

Travel Agents...

are so intriuiging. I have recently been speaking to a travel agent to plan a business trip for my boss. They are so interesting, nice, and friendly. I imagine they have to be since they are dealing with a lot of unruly people BUT what an interesting and fun job. Book travel plans...make people happy...give them the best vacation of their lives. People are already excited to travel so they call you excited and energetic and ready to take on whatever, as long as its in their price range. In another life, I would be a travel agent and book people on exotic vacations and research different countries and do quite a bit of travelling myself. If I were to pull a Tula Portocopolis and meet a handsome English professor while spinning around in my little travel office and get married and be in love...well, so be it.

Aint imagination fun?

I Deleted a Post...

because I had an Oprah moment and I forgave. Kindness is a beautiful thing. Spread the love.

Anger is a Funny Thing

Sometimes, anger is a funny thing. See below post where Asiankp really vents spleen. Sometimes anger drives us to say things we don't mean...sometimes it leads us to say things that really need to be said and have been bottled up way too long. The question is: do the things that have been bottled up and come out really serve the purpose they were meant to serve or do you just end up feeling empty and sad and that there is reason that things stay bottled up in the first place? Like I said, anger is a funny thing.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE my friends

Happy Memorial Day to all! this weekend has been the busiest of my life so I take this memorial day as a chance to relax and catch up on reading and of course, blogging. The weekend began with a wedding of a dear friend...can I just say...that as much as I dreading this wedding...I acually LOVED it. The main reason, you ask? My friends from college. They are simply the nicest, loving, geniune, supportive, non-judgmental, fun, caring, intelligent, witty, did I mention fun people in the whole wide world. I miss them SO much and hanging out with them seriously makes me consider kidnapping them all and taking them to a deserted island where we all live in a happy commune. (hint: i have not been watching LOST lately). Its so sad when friends move away and after 4 years of all living within 2 feet from eachother, we now all live about 400 miles from each other. I hate it.
Back to the wedding...it was beautiful. Molly, you dont ever read this, but you looked beautiful. The reception was held at a place that I like to describe as a old-new warehouse. It had wooden floors and looked like an old warehouse but recreated to give you a old French loft feel...is there such a feel as an old French loft?? You tell me.
Anyway, some fun things i noticed...1.) my friends new boyfriend is uber PDA which can be very distracting esp. during Mass 2.) You can wear non-matching shoes and nobody will notice 3.) Dancing in the rain is fun but VERY cold 4.) Women over 40 should not wear leather pants and leopard print shirts. 5.) I love traditions, esp. old Lithuanian ones 6.) Cigarettes can kill you but they sure make drinking fun 6.) cranberry and vodka =delicious hangover 7.) driving 5 hours back to Chicago after a night of merriment is rough on the body.
The list will grow......

WTF?

This article ran yesterday in the Houston Chronicle. Mr. Harrison explores an interesting trend in Hollywood where white actors are used to portray black characters. Leave it to Brangelina to spark this recent discussion. In an upcoming film, A Mighty Heart, Angelina Jolie portrays slain journalist Daniel Pearl's widow, Mariane. Minor detail: Mariane is black. We all Jolie is an avid adopter of ethnic children but that in no way makes her African-American. I suppose when your partner is producing the film, color is no issue. In that respect, I agree with Mr. Harrison. It's a little weird. For those of you who know me, it would be like creating my life story and starring...Jessica Simpson. Even writing that creeps me out.


But on to the article. First, he attacks Honey, which holds a soft spot in my heart. Terrible movie, but still, it is special to me. He says the casting of Jessica Alba is a perfect example of "blind" casting...is the audience to supposed to believe that a girl of Mexican/Danish/French descent is black?? He goes on further to say, "Alba's parents are played by black actors, but since race isn't mentioned, we aren't sure whether we're supposed to assume the light-skinned Lonette McKee, who plays the mother, is white." Here's the thing. Alba is clearly predominatly Mexican. I'd argue she looks more Hispanic than white. Her father is clearly African American in the film, but the mother appears to be a mix of Hispanic and African descent. Therefore, it makes sense for the daughter to look the way she does. She has a Hispanic coloring but she has obviously grown up in the "hood" so she adapts to the lifestyle with her dress and speech. I feel the filmmakers took extra pains to re-create this mixed race family to further emphasize the internal struggle of the main character. It is never even remotely hinted that you are supposed to believe that Jessica Alba is African-American. That would be insulting the viewers intelligence although this writer was obviously fooled. The kicker lies in the last sentence: "Now if only Phifer's character had been given a Korean name the movie could be hailed for really breaking new ground." All that from a lame dance movie...

Bruised and Battered But Triumphant

So this weekend, I went rock climbing. Not your piddly-climb on some boulders but actual rock climbing with a harness and all the fixings. It was in one word: AMAZING. It was a treat to be out in the wilderness, climbing with my favorite cousins, and getting bruised and battered along the way.

Special note: mad props to my cousin mags who far surpassed her own expectations in our climbing adventure. did you ever know that you're my hero?

Weekends

In other news, the weekend is fast approaching. I love the weekends. 2 days of sleeping in and relaxation. With wedding season upon me, I look forward to the event-less weekends like sweaty people look forward to a shower. This weekend, I will be embarking with my favorite cousins on a trip to Devil's Lake to go rock climbing...now, this is a long awaited adventure for me. My cousin has been a rock climbing obssesive man for the last 3 years or so...I have always thought it looked fun but dont like the way my ass looks in a harness. Just kidding. I'm not that self-conscious...or maybe I am...that's a topic for a different time.

Anyway, I'm going this weekend. Just me. Cousins. Good weather. Drinks. Rocks. This is why I live for weekends.

Ignoramus

Today I got schooled in the art of PR. Now, don't get me wrong. I've been schooled in many things many times. It's called learning with a kick in the ass. It is one of those things that makes you a better person and a better professional but, at the same time, makes you feel like a giant ignoramus. Case in point, I am working on my very first press release. Now the process of a press release is very involved. You must tell a story in simple terms. You may not use marketing language, except in a quote. You have to draw them in. A headline is important, not as important but still important. Do not use words like "unprecendented" or "top quality" or "ground breaking" unless your annoucement falls under those maxims but more than likely, it doesnt. The list goes on and on. So, I wrote a draft that I submitted. Now, this was a first draft for my bosses but more like the 100th draft for me. They looked, they saw, they destroyed. Granted, it wasnt terrible, they said, it just wasnt good. I recieved a copy with so many edits and scratch marks, it looked like cat took a pencil and went to town. Schooled. Sometimes it sucks. I'm still waiting for that feeling that lets me know I'm learning...

Words, Words, Words...

pastiche \pas-TEESH; pahs-\, noun:
1. A work of art that imitates the style of some previous work.
2. A musical, literary, or artistic composition consisting of selections from various works.
3. A hodgepodge; an incongruous combination of different styles and ingredients.

This was today's word of the day. Pastiche. I love it because it sounds like a parasite. Some small, East-African parasite that is commonly found in pineapple trees or something like that. It means the exact opposite of how it sounds. Such a fascinating concept. It could also be some Shakespearian insult, like, "Thou art a cowardly pastiche," or "die a thousand deaths you ignorant, despicable pastiche."

Either way, have fun with this...

Pranks

I want to pull one right now. But unfortunately, I do not have the materials, time or even the creative edge today. I hate when work interferes with play. For a great list of pranks, click here and enjoy.

What The Hell??!

Sometimes, I just have the need to scream out those 3 little words. It's surprising how good they can make you feel. It's almost as fun as screaming out, "I sure as hell am CHIP...CHIP!!!" However, since no one but myself and Crystal Oaklee find that funny, those other 3 words will have to suffice. There was no immediate need to scream them today but I found myself uttering the words the moment I woke up. Could it be because I overslept? Could it be the thunderous pounding outside my window due to construction down the street? Either way, a very quiet but direct, "What the hell?!?" escaped from my mouth. 10 minutes later, sloppily dressed and in the car, I uttered them again. Could it be the ridiculous drivers in Chicago? Especially the one who tried to merge right into my side...a more emphatic and slightly murderous, "What the hell?!?" again found its way into the atmosphere. Now I sit at my desk, I've been waiting for the last 15 minutes to have a meeting with my bosses before our status call in 30 minutes because I will have to update the status report and make about 50 changes which I won't have time for. I feel an exhausted, defeated "What the hell?!" rising in my throat and it's not even noon.

Like sands through the hourglass...

So are the days of our lives. What? What exactly does this mean? Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. We are grains of sand, shifting mindlessly back and forth due to an unknown force that tilts us this way and that. Hmm...maybe those daytime TV writers were on to something...there is a first time for everything.
For some reason, I've been thinking alot about the days of my life...how they pass by so quickly and at the end of the day, I wonder what I did all day. When I look back on my life, will my days be muddled into weeks and then years? Will I only be able to look back on the good weeks or the good years without giving any real thought or feeling into the days? I hope not. Too much of our life is spent thinking about the weeks and years, we don't spend enough time contemplating the days...the 24 hours to do something good or make a difference. Harold Hill once said, "You pile up enough tomorrows, and you'll find you're left with nothing but a lot of empty yesterdays." History is filled with men and women expounding upon "seize the day" mantras, so perhaps we should pay attention and try for once to focus on the today. What can you do for your fellow man TODAY?

Overdue

Sorry Mags...this is WAY overdue.

**************
The cold water felt good on Jerome's face. He let it linger on his face and felt that each falling drop symbolized his life falling to pieces. He aimlessly reached for a towel. He grabbed air. "Dammit." The dispenser was empty. "Like my life," he muttered. He wiped his hands on his pants and headed for the exit. As he reached for the handle, the door opened in his face. A large, bearded man with sunglasses and a cape brushed past him. "Perdon, senor." The man wore a red derby and a large ring with an unusual symbol. Jerome moved to the side to let the man pass and tried to get a better look at the ring. It had a large circle with divided into three parts. The man noticed Jerome's staring and quickly covered the ring.

The Funniest Thing about Working with all Men is...

Falling into the toilet more than once because you forget that the seat is up.

Break? What Break?

Even though my previous post speaks of my divorce from the blogging world, my dear friend and cousin has urged me to "get back on the horse."
As sit and reflect with a bowl full of Jello, I am reminded that in the adult world, there are no breaks. In elementary school, you get R&R days. In high school, you get spring break or "teachers need a mental health day" break. In college, I was lucky enough to recieve the longest Christmas break ever. But now, in the adult, working world...there are no breaks. How could I be so childish as to indulge in the childish fantasy of a break?
So, I am "back on the horse," and I pose this challenge to cousin Maggie. I will start a story on my blog...you must add on. We must devote one or two sentences to the story at the end of each post. Now, that's entertainment.

********************

Jermaine anxiously tugged at his collar. Brock had over starched it again. He made a mental note to exchange some harsh words with the man. Jermaine took a deep breath. He would not fail today. He would make the contact and deliver the message. The only thing that stood in his way was 5'3" petite blonde. He took another deep breath and started forward...

Time to Take a Break

Since delving into the world wide interweb, I have been fascinated with this blogging world. I voraciously read other blogs and find that it has become my number one source of entertainment. I desperately wanted to join the ranks of bloggers nationwide. Desperate being the key word here. As I read other blogs, I am amazed at how witty and well put together they are. I know that these people are naturally gifted because they have day jobs so its not like they sit around all day and just blog, blog, blog. Unfortunately, in my desperate attempt to join the eblogger world, I have found myself stifled in creativity. My blogs are trite and seem forced. They lack the candor, wit, and that key ingredient, entertainment that my peers pour out so effortlessly. So, I am going to take a break. Perhaps I jumped in too quickly without a clear blog vision. Every good book has a direction or a purpose, unless you are Dan Brown, then you lack both. Asiankp is going to take a hiatus and get back in touch her inner creative chakra. She is going to find a blogging purpose in order to stand in the ranks of these other world class bloggers committed to writing, wit, and entertainment. Don't cry for me, World Wide Web.