So, the train ride home was packed. And I mean packed. I knew it would be an uncomfortable ride as soon as I saw the train pull up and some girls nose was pressed against the window...forcefully. No one in their right mind presses their nose against the El cars in Chicago. It's an invitation for all sorts of diseases and possibly hepatitis.
Anyway, I managed to snake my way into a tiny spot between a very dirty partition and a hipster girl. Almost immediately I smelled the alcohol. Right behind me were two very drunk and very gay men. What follows is practically their verbatim conversation. And it was wholly entertaining.
Guy #1: I am SOOO drunk.
Guy #2: Me too. Those shots are now in ma BELLY.
Guy #1: WTF? Why is the train not moving? Doors closing...doors closing....they are SOO totally closed.
Guy #2: Oh man, we are so drunk.
Guy #1: Okay, so here's the plan.
Guy #2: Tell me the plan.
Guy #1: We are going to go to my apartment, eat food, feed the puppies, watch Sordid Lives until 11 and then...GO OUT.
Guy #2: The puppies need food. That is a great plan. Oh...why are we not moving? I am so drunk. Are we moving because we could be?
Guy #1: What if I was pregnant? You know...but I wouldnt have a baby, I would have a vodka bottle, you know.
Guy #2: HA. You would have a vodka bottle for a baby. How many shots did we do?
Guy #1: Well that one bar we have 4 shots of jager and then those martinis and all those damn beers.
Guy #2: Oh yeah, all those beers...mmmhhhmmm...can we bring the puppies to work tomorrow? Damn you...work....thats the last time I'm going out with you during the middle of the day, you got me all drunk.
Guy #1: Whatever. We are celebrating. My husband left me for a soccer player with abs. A soccer player. Abs.
Guy#2: And he's younger than you. He's younger. So we are celebrating.
Guy #1: Yeah, he might as well be 4. 4 with abs.
Guy #2 (to another passenger): So his husband left him. It's sad but he still has the puppies.
Guy #1: Yeah, I'm like the very gay male drunk version of Britney Spears. Except I wouldnt shave my head because its SOO cold here.
Guy #2: And I'm like the gay version of Britney's Spear's bodyguard. So we are celebrating. Oh my god, are we moving? I swear we are moving...
Guy #1: I have to pee...lets just go here. Like the puppies do.
Unfortunately, thats where I left them...contemplating whether or not to pee inside like their puppies do.
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3 comments:
Hahahahaha!! (snickering)
Y'know, when I'm really really sick... I often lie in bed conncocting up elaborate ways to bypass miserably crawling up a flight of stairs to the bathroom to pee.... I just never seem to have the courage/stupidity to act upon them... I came close once... but backed out once I realized I was too dizzy to pull it off without making a mess...
Also, as an adolescent I used to have fears that one day when me and all my friends were pregnant, theirs would come out all nice as bubbly babies, and then mine would come out as a litter of kittens, or an anteater or something bizarre and unnatural... and I'd feel like such a failure...
It is official; I am moving up there.
ahh, gotta love the gays. Why were you partying in boystown? Just kidding, I know it's a great time.
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