The Sycophant Enjoins the Ambit of the Hardscrabble

Dear Dr. Dictionary,

Thank you for providing me with the title for my next book. "The Sycophant Enjoins the Ambit of the Hardscrabble" will prove to be my best selling book ever. I am not one to brag but I feel as though you and I, Dr. Dictionary, are two souls enjoined in the same body. We think and we act as one.

Sincerely,
Verbose in Vermont

Oscar Night-A Winner's Speech

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh. Wow! I never thought I would ever make it up here. Especially with all the uneccessary surgeries I've had on my face, lips, eyes, nose and boobs. My knees are intact which is why I made it up here. Thank God no one ever looks at knees. Oh my gosh...you are all looking at my knees. Karen. KAREN. Make an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon. Now. YES NOW! Oh, excuse me. Karen is my assistant. She's a mindless bimbo from that one school in New Hampshire...oh yeah, Harvard.
Anyway, thank you so much. I'd like to thank the Academy. You really like me. Or maybe you like the money I gave you for letting me act after I skipped rehab. Either way, I thank you. This role was so close to my heart. So so so very close. The drugged out, cross dressing transsexual serial killer who finds a heart on the side of the road was simply a joy to play. Each day on set was like a breath of fresh air. I'd like to thank my director. You beat me, literally, but you made me a better actress. This movie really speaks volumes about the kind of things that we in Hollywood care about. We care about our serial killers and giving them a voice. People arent really that bad...especially serial killers because they care about the earth. They are committed to fighting the global warming crisis our country faces. They use the earth to do their work. Dirt is a very precious precious commodity. It also happens to be my favorite new show. You go Courtney Cox!
Anyway, thank you so much. My time is running out but I want to thank God, my family, my dogs who take the place of my children, my stylist, my hairdresser, my 1st pet I had when I was 4...Muffy you really believed in me, I know you are looking down on me from doggy heaven, I want to thank my eco-friendly car, my manicurist, my orthodontist, and all my plastic surgeons. You have restored my natural beauty and allowed me to become the best actress I can be and it shows today with this little gold man. Thank you...my gosh...this thing is heavy...maybe its because I havent eaten in 10 years...oh my gosh...I can barely lift this damn thing. KAREN. KAREN. What the hell...KAREN...you &%%$ and I'm going to *%#^ you....(censored by ABC).

Words of the Week

Dear Doctor Dictionary,

Thank you so much for sending me the daily words of the day. You are truly a master of healing through the written word. You are the doyen of speech. Honestly. A pure doyen. Every morning, I am woken from turbid dreams by my roommates sonorous snores and I scurry out of bed. I grab the morning coffee and my horoscope and hit the on button on my PC. I wait as the welcoming Windows greeting sounds and then a ping telling me that I do indeed have the wireless connection courtesy of our downstairs neighbors. I hurridly type in my email server of choice and search my inbox. Then I see it. It is the apogee of my day. There in my inbox in that lovable, lapidary size 10 font is an email from Doctor Dictionary giving me my antidote to doldrums. Salvation does indeed lie within.
So thank you Dr. Dictionary for making the world a better place and for giving me a reason to rise and face the drab, unforgiving, ordinary planet we inhabit. There is a malodorus hint of burning toast so I must go.

-Wordless in Washington

Late Nights

I have spent the last couple nights staying up late doing something totally irrational and slightly immature. I cannot say what I have been doing because I do not wish to be judged by the blogger community. Only God can judge me...so remember that.
But, really, why is it that we are forced to stay up late, forgo sleepful nights and fanciful dreams for something we know is probably not a good idea? Answer me that. And then judge me.

On Second Thought

I HATE NEW BLOGGER. CHANGE SUCKS.

Ch-ch-changes...

David Bowie said it best: "Turn and face the strange ch-ch-ch-changes." Usually I love change. I relish change. Whether it be nickels and dimes instead of dollars or Bucktown neighborhood rather than River North, change is a good thing. That being said...I anxiously await the good change that will come of this "new blogger" deal? I even took the time to create a google account just to accomodate the new, improved blogger. I wait with baited breath for any and all new readers...

Awkward!

Interviews. The very word strikes fear in the hearts of all young professionals. Personally, I'd rather have my wisdom teeth taken out again than attend an interview. My esteemed father provided me with several documents to read on interviewing. But who has time to read?! Seriously with all the fabulous TV...who wants to spend time reading documents about a skill that might be vital to our future.

Case in point: I'm sure the document would have a very detailed section on how to avoid extended periods of silence with a prospective boss during an interview.

For the Record

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about seeing a film that was originally a book now a sub-par movie. I decided to back up my claims with some real evidence. I finally finished P.D. James' The Children of Men. And it was far far superior to the film. I rest my case.

Invasion of Privacy

Yesterday at work, I was watched. Yes, watched...the entire day. I'd like to think that my employers had something better to do that watch me on their newly installed security cameras but no, I was watched. Often times, people relish the idea of being on camera. They crave it. There is an instant attraction to be seen and heard no matter how insignificant your musings may be. This was not the case. Video cameras and I have a bad history. My own video camera was violently damaged in a shuffle that involved my dog, some ice, and a myriad of stuffed animals. Video cameras do not give me the added 10 pounds, they give me an added 20 pounds plus 3 more folds in my neck.
So, imagine my horror as I stopped to take a break at work today near the front desk. I had been in the back folding laundry for the past hour and wanted to breathe in some expensive healing scents. I paused to talk to the front desk girls who are wildly funny and picked up a magazine for perusal. Not a minute later, the phone rang. It was for me. On the other end of the telephone was my boss, aka, all purpose asshole. "Katherine," he said, "Do you not have enough work to do? I do not want you standing at the front desk reading a magazine, I do not want you going behind the desk. There is no need for any of this. You should not be reading magazines. The place needs to be clean. I need you to stay focused on your job of making the place clean. Do you understand?" Simple statement, annoying of course, but simple. The thing is I cannot convey tone here and that is what did the trick. I hate it when people say simple things in such a condescending manner that you feel small. I'm not an idiot. I was taking a break. But his voice and his tone made me feel as if I were 5 years committing the world's worst sin. His voice reminds me of a carnie swindling old ladies out of their bingo money. That and his wife dresses him. I need to find new job.

A Case of the Mondays

You know you're bored at work when you choose to read Oprah's magazine "O" from cover to cover.

Simply Awesome

I want to take this moment to let you know that I am totally and completely infatuated with NBC's The Office. I watched Seasons 1 and 2 with my family over Christmas break. I re-watched Season 2 with my roommates in Chi-town. I watch parts of certain episodes before I go to bed at night. I am have replaced my night prayers with a Michael Scott monologue. Okay, that last part is not true. I have not seen a full episode of the British version which I regret and will remedy soon but the American version makes me smile and gives me a warm fuzzy feeing inside. The writing, the acting, the tongue in cheek humor is simply awesome. If you have not yet seen an episode, I suggest you come over to my apartment because chances are, we'll be watching...

Man's Child

Last night, I ventured out with some friends to see the new film, Children of Men. I was very excited to see this movie since I had read some great reviews and I felt the film would make some poignant points about the sanctity of human life. For those of you who are unaware of this film, it is set in 2027 in Great Britain where the world has turned to chaos as women have been infertile for 18 years. The youngest human alive has recently died causing an even greater panic among the world's aging residents. Britain has become a sanctuary for the rest of the world causing the government to put illegal aliens (fugees) attempting to sneak into the UK into WWII-esque prison camps.

The description goes on and I'm sure you can find a better one elsewhere but the acting in the film was tremendously good although not much acting is required. Who wouldn't looked freaked out if they got caught in the middle of a violent cross-fire? The film is good but the plot is a bit convoluted and the characters lack development. I definitely don't think the film brought up the concerns I was hoping it would. This leads me to my final conclusion that most books should never be turned into movies. Save the literature!

Golden Duds

Last Monday, the Golden Globes were on. For most people this is just another boring awards show but Asiankp thrives on this sort of celebrity parading. It is a night that celebrates the best in film and television. It is a bit more relaxed than the Oscars and more legit than the People's Choice Awards. I mean, the people decide who the best actors are...come on...these are the same people who will probably vote for Hilary Clinton in the next election.
Luckily, I had Monday off of work so I slept late, went shopping, made dinner for the roommates, and settled in to watch the Globes. I cheered with the rest when America Ferrara won best actress in comedic series and I booed with the rest when Alec Baldwin won for the males. Honestly, Alec Baldwin? A definite low point in the night.
Which brings me to another low point...the interviewers. After America Ferrara won her award, this "i can see your collarbones busting out of your neck and you should probably eat" woman interviewed her saying, "Now America, what do you have to say to those people who didn't want you to play Ugly Betty?" Excuse me. I wonder where Entertainment finds these winners...but then again, Ryan Seacrest was covering the red carpet and we all know what a gem he is. I can't believe we live in an age where you can actually become more famous for being more dense.

Mother Fried Chicken

There is nothing so tasty as some country fried chicken...and because of that, I've included this musical treat for ya. HI-larious.

Ackk...Disclaimer

I realize that my previous post title includes the word "pap." To clear this up before people think that I'm disgusting...I am referring to a lyric from the musical "Newsies" and "pap" is short for the newspaper not that uncomfortable womanly procedure. Sorry to test your gag reflexes, readers.

Look at that pap with my face beaming...

Tomorrow they may wrap fishes in it...but I was a star for one whole minute. Check it out while Asiankp tries to be funny. I fail miserably and even the dude with emo-glasses is funnier than me...sad day.

It's Baaack...

So, the World Series of Pop Culture has returned and asiankp is back with a new team and a new team name. Asiankp has a strong feeling that this time, she will emerge victorious. A teammates' procrastination kept her out of the game last year but this time...this is THE time. Spanky and The Pirates will dominate. Yes, that is our team name...a new moniker for a new time. Gone are the days of "Your Hollywood Marriage is a Sham," and "Spanky and the Pirates" will be the vessel that sails to the waters of glory. The prize money has increased and so has Asiankp's appetite for fame and fortune.

Today is...

the day that I, asiankp, have decreed, November 16th, as official "Get rid of something" Day. It can be something as simple as getting rid of an old pair of slacks or something more philosophical like getting rid of poverty or in Asiankp's case, its getting rid of liars...seriously, I hate liars. They can all go to the place of Dante's greatest literary work. I think they have a reserved spot too...

My Name is...

In honor of Thanksgiving, one of Asiankp's favorite holidays that celebrates the peaceful unity of Native Americans and Pilgrims, I decided to share with readers a rap/short poem that my brother made up. Or maybe he didnt make it up; but he sang it one Thanksgiving many moons again. And no, my brother is not K-Fed. He's better.

Turkey Rap

My name is Mr. Turkey and I'm here to say
I aint going in any oven today
So go get your brats, burgers and buns,
Cuz eatin' me aint no fun.

Groove Wallow Skip Sprawl

Thanks to truly amazing cousins, Asiankp has been introduced to this great band: Old Crow Medicine Show. The song "Wagon Wheel" has become my comfort song.

Rock me Mama like a wagon wheel...rock me Mama like the wind and the rain...hey Mama rock me.


-special thanks to MG


I urge you all to find your comfort song and let asiankp know.